Iphi -
I want to say something about your post- inherent self-worth - and it is mucking around in my gut, not coming out straight and clear. Hops can always find a clear way to say stuff - wish I could be like that.
When I was in college, I had a new boyfriend. I was crazy about him. I made the mistake of telling my mother about him (I never had done that before and never did it again). She looked me right in the face and asked, "What makes you think you're so good that you deserve him?" (That's a word-for-word quote. It's burned in my brain.)
Years later I asked her why she had said that. Her reply was that she "had followed Dr. Spock's teachings" (I call him Dr. Spook) and his message was to "never let a child get a swelled head". I wanted to, but didn't, ask her, "And you allowed that to be a substitute for your common sense?" What I think today is she allowed that as a justification for her cruelty - or that was only her interpretation of Dr. Spock and it was a handy rationale for her N'ism.
Regardless, it was a primary outside source for my self-worth - she began this process when I was very young and all I can remember is being blindsided time and again, not knowing how or why. It was like everything became a blur and I didn't realize at that young age it was the death of my survival instinct, cuz the outsome was I absorbed her venom as an absolute truth about myself.
Many years later, having forged some tentative sense of self-worth for myself, I am fortunate that the words of caring therapists and friends come back to me more often than hers.
I have learned:
I am unique. There is no other like me.
I have gifts, valuable to some but always valuable to me.
I like my own company and to hell with those who don't - or who want to change me or who are uncomfortable with me to the point of criticism.
I am wounded. My personality has partly been shaped by those wounds. Walk a mile in my shoes and then criticize... if you can.
I am a fortress. I will care for all within my walls even when we are besieged from without. I will open my doors carefully after doing my best to determine if those who seek to enter are friend or foe. I may make a mistake, but I know my self-worth built these walls and I have refuge.
I am allowed to spend time - most of my time - with those who lift me up, inspire me, value me, trust me, and recognize my gifts. I let go (almost) of the inbred demand that I am "obligated" to spend time with those who seek to tear me down or brutalize me.
I am allowed to feel good about myself, like myself, and even crow a little about my innate goodness.
I am also allowed to point out to unconscious others when I do something good, beneficial, altruistic, or clever, without pride but just as a matter of fact. I am allowed to build my own reputation, if I care about such things.
These are lands I have wandered into with wonder, curiosity, and a lot of trepidation. I have allowed myself to get "hooked" on feeling good about myself instead of hooked on the negativity mixed with mother's milk.
I have learned that the best way to solidify my self worth is to be open - and a little humorous - about my weaknesses, something I kept hidden and silent about fearing it would give "them" ammunition against me. I have listened a long time to others reveal their mistakes, their OOPS's, their disappointments in themselves, and watched as the skies didn't fall, no weapons were unsheathed, no claws were bared. So, little by little I have done the same and find, in the doing, a stronger sense of being a worthy member of the human race, rather than a freak.
Peace, Iphi.
Kate
