Author Topic: I think I have just had my 1st encounter with a Narcissist - help  (Read 11476 times)

gabbenangel

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A few a years ago I met a woman through a mutual friend. The first time that I saw her, she was praying at a Mass being held at our mutual friends house. I was struck by what seemed to be her exceptionally devote and what seemed genuine mannerisms while praying. Initially I can't say I was drawn to her but I was a bit curious, she seemed untouchable and bit aloof as if she would never walk up to someone and introduce herself, she seemed beyond reproach.

Over the next several months I would see her at my friends house it was there that she conducted spiritual direction sessions with parishioners and others. Then, one day, our mutual friend gave me a book written by her that was about mystical experiences and Catholicism, I was curious so I read the  book but I remained skeptical and decided to meet with her for an appointment in spiritual direction. In our very first meeting I was struck by what seemed to be a gentle, deeply spiritual and humble woman. She was gracious, feminism, and extremely polite, almost to a fault. She seemed like the kind of person who would never hurt or even could be capable of hurting anyone.

I decided to work with her in hopes of deepening my faith and healing some old wounds, she has a MFCC license and I was told that she specializes in grief counseling, I was hoping that she would be compassionate to the painful childhood memories and complicated grief that I was trying to work through and heal.

After about our second or third meeting she invited me into a prayer group which was led by her. The prayer group was strange but I was hungry for fellowship and in much need of new connections in my life. The psychology of the group appealed to me at first but after a while I became uncomfortable with what felt like spiritual elitism. When I would express my desire to leave the group I would be met with her calm but reassuring excuses covering what seemed a hidden frantic need. I figured that she was just really a deeply caring person and really wanted either what was best for me or what was best for the group. However, something just was not right, one thing that seemed certain was that she seemed bent at always being the center of attention.

We continued to work together in spiritual direction and I did learn something's. However, overtime I became frustrated with what seemed like her subtle judgments, projections and lack of insight. At times I felt like as if was subtly despised by her. There was a certain tension between us that began to develop. I recall one time, when I was in grief over the loss of my father when I was a small child, she kept hammering me with the need to forgive him. I was angry and dealing with old feelings and she was completely without empathy. Of course I would forgive him, but it takes time and it is a process.

That was when I called it quits with her. I did try to express to her how I felt about her lack of compassion for my delayed grief and she gave one of those defensive unsympathetic apologies.

I was free... So I thought.

This NS woman runs in my social circle at my church, she is highly elevated, popular and well esteemed. Because of this and despite my intuition, I unconsciously questioned my judgment of her. I think that I hoped that one day we would at least be friends, I did like her or, I think it was her charm I liked. There was a time in our work and friendship when I would baby-sit her son and we became somewhat friends outside of working together in spiritual direction. At times I would even confess that I felt a bit jealous of the attention she gained through her work and her popularity but I felt OK enough with me and at peace with myself as well as I knew how to quickly nip aroused jealous feelings in the bud by being grateful at others gifts and goodness.

In my quest for spiritual growth I started working with a new spiritual director, a man that she knew and really respected or highly admired too. About a week after I ended my work with her I noticed that she asked this man to help spiritually direct her prayer group.

A year goes by. I am still happily working with this man in spiritual direction. I have not spoken with her, I have not seen her. I have felt better than I have in years, healing, growing, new friends, old friends, relationships are happy for me. The man that I work with leaves for the summer and instructs me to work with her in his absence. I am reluctant because of my hunch, something about her that just does not seem right. Nevertheless I begin work with her on the phone and once again I sense contempt and despise coming from her at me. She seems incredibly distrustful of me and I always feel, the best way to describe it, emotionally dirty after I have a conversation with her. It is like she brings out the worst in me. As the summer moves on I begin to have more memories from the time that I was abandoned when I was a child, this is not a new set of memories, I have worked diligently on this particular trauma over the years. A close friend of mine was moving away this summer and it brought up some pain. The NS seemed aloof, unsympathetic to my pain and suffering and uncaring. I finally had had it - I called her on this stuff, I told her how I felt, judged, despised unable to open up with her, etc. Her response was to shut me out, the silent treatment it hurt. I was tactful and kind the way I tried to rely my feelings and she was cold and contemptuous.

I let it go and moved on.

Then a week before my spiritual director comes back to town I hear that she has a Mass planned with him, he is not even back yet. A funny feeling crosses me but dismiss it, she would never do that I tell myself she is too spiritual.

Then I meet with my spiritual director and he treats me with coldness and aloofness like I have never experienced from him, not to mention he treats me like the abuser in the situation with the woman. It becomes clear to be me that she spoke with him about me and made me out to be her scapegoat for her bad behavior. It felt as though she projected herself onto me and then made me out to be the narcissist to him and her out to be the victim.

My reputation has been ruined at my church, with other friends in my social circle and all the while I have been distressed. She is the really popular one, the kind one, the one with the degrees and the one that my spiritual director esteems. I feel as though my reputation was vandalized by her so that she could protect her image. She seems now to me to be a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Does this sound like a story of a female narcissist?

Ami

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Re: I think I have just had my 1st encounter with a Narcissist - help
« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2007, 08:16:06 PM »
WOW. It sounds really bad, friend. It sounds like it could be an N. Whatever it is, it is interesting that your intuition tried to warn you so many times.   I think that you knew for a long time that she was not good. I remember a show on MSNBC. It was about con artists. All the people who were duped went against their gut feelings.
  She sounds horrible. I am sorry for the terrible distress that you must have felt.             Love   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

wiltay

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Re: I think I have just had my 1st encounter with a Narcissist - help
« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2007, 08:53:08 PM »
My vote is yes. gabbenangel.  She sounds like a classic narcissist--self-absorbed, controlling,manipulative, no true empathy--the whole nine yards .  Not to mention the scape-goating and smear campaign, very hurtful things that Ns are well-known for in group situations. You are very knowledgeable about narcissism for a 'newbie!"   If you are looking for support you will not find any 'blank stares" here because we all sympathize with you when it comes to narcissists.
Bill

reallyME

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Re: I think I have just had my 1st encounter with a Narcissist - help
« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2007, 08:47:15 AM »
yes gabben,

She sounds very narcissistic and borderline to me too.  Everything wiltay said and the things I've experienced, line up with the typical.

The one thing that really stood out to me, was that your male friend all of a sudden was being cold to you.  N's and BPD's delight in turning people's friends against them.  I experienced this from the bpd and n's in my own life.  It makes me glad that my friends are online mostly, so my own dysfunctional daughter can't turn THEM against me too.

My daughter already poisoned her boyfriend's parents toward me.  The only time I had a long convo on the phone with the bf's mom, she informed me that I hated her, judged her family, said they were all a bunch of ___________.  I was sitting there, holding the phone, telling her "No, I did not say any of that.  I don't even KNOW you!"  The lady could not be convinced.  Apparently, my daughter had worked her wiles, by letting bf's mom know what an awful person I was, how I wasn't there for her for years and still am not (could have something to do with her COME CLOSE AND RUB MY FEET MOM/  I HATE YOU, I NEVER LOVED YOU, YOU ARE NOT A MOTHER AND YOU ARE RUINING YOUR OTHER CHILDREN LIKE YOU DID ME" behavior.  A human can only be put down so much before they crawl into a safe hole somewhere.  For me, that's my computer world at times, or my crocheting or reading, or praying.

I'm so sorry you endured that crud from the lady, gab.  One good thing did come out of it...you found some nice online friends who care, have been there, and will hold your hand as you get back on your emotional feet.

Blessya

~Laura

Leah

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Re: I think I have just had my 1st encounter with a Narcissist - help
« Reply #4 on: November 07, 2007, 09:33:27 AM »
Yes, Gabbenangel,

"The Saintly Narcissist" are by far the worst, in my experience.

A very warm welcome to you.

Love, Leah


PS>  The Abuser's Tricks http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=3030.0 is breathtakingly accurate,

insightful and validating.


Edit:  http://www.kickbully.com/page1e2.html

« Last Edit: November 07, 2007, 10:31:33 AM by LeahsRainbow »
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

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wiltay

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Re: I think I have just had my 1st encounter with a Narcissist - help
« Reply #5 on: November 07, 2007, 02:06:58 PM »
Leah, the Abuser's Tricks was excelllent!  Thanks for passing it along.  It fits so perfectly withwhat I experienced and I wish I had seen it a long time ago.  I'm putting it in my "N file."
Bill

gabbenangel

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Re: I think I have just had my 1st encounter with a Narcissist - help
« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2007, 04:02:31 PM »

 Thank you for all of your feedback and support - that made a big difference. It seems that most of you have had deeper and closer relations with narcissists you wounds must be greater than mine.

The NS plays such a subtle psychological game against people, it can be so distressing.  I lost my reputation with someone who I valued but at least I have myself and I know who I am. The pain of the situation touched another nerve in me that has helped to serve to heal more wounds and bring me into a fresher perspective on life. All things get renewed.

I've learned from this experience and will keep my eyes more wide open in the future.

NS's seemed adept at holding popular positions and drawing people to them, as soon as you start to get wind or see under their mask they cut you off, disown you and trash your imagine in the process.

Do NS's ever get caught?  Will other people start to suspect them eventually too? What usually ends up happening to them?

Thanks again for all of your feedback and support.

Leah

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Re: I think I have just had my 1st encounter with a Narcissist - help
« Reply #7 on: November 07, 2007, 04:30:38 PM »
Leah, the Abuser's Tricks was excelllent!  Thanks for passing it along.  It fits so perfectly withwhat I experienced and I wish I had seen it a long time ago.  I'm putting it in my "N file."
Bill

Thanks Bill, you are so kind.  I have also placed a copy in my "N file" along with a copy of your 20 traits of Nism.  Likewise, wish I had known years ago!  Love, Leah
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

gabbenangel

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Re: I think I have just had my 1st encounter with a Narcissist - help
« Reply #8 on: November 07, 2007, 04:41:53 PM »
Leah, the Abuser's Tricks was excelllent!  Thanks for passing it along.  It fits so perfectly withwhat I experienced and I wish I had seen it a long time ago.  I'm putting it in my "N file."
Bill

Yep, agreed - thank you for passing this info on to me - It was very helpful.

Leah

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Re: I think I have just had my 1st encounter with a Narcissist - help
« Reply #9 on: November 07, 2007, 04:42:47 PM »
Gabbenangel,


NS's seemed adept at holding popular positions and drawing people to them, as soon as you start to get wind or see under their mask they cut you off, disown you and trash your imagine in the process.


Wholeheartedly agree and identify.  The N eyes turn from bright sparkly clear blue waters to an expressionless dark black stone .... in an instant.


Do NS's ever get caught?  Will other people start to suspect them eventually too? What usually ends up happening to them?


My experience to date is that they don't get seem to get caught as the ones who seem to lack the necessary knowledge of Nism remain their closest ally.  

I too have wondered as to what does happen to them, eventually?  There must come a time when their Nmagnet begins to weaken?

Love,

Leah

Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

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gabbenangel

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Re: I think I have just had my 1st encounter with a Narcissist - help
« Reply #10 on: November 07, 2007, 05:09:17 PM »




[My experience to date is that they don't get seem to get caught as the ones who seem to lack the necessary knowledge of Nism remain their closest ally. 

I too have wondered as to what does happen to them, eventually?  There must come a time when their Nmagnet begins to weaken?

Love,

Leah


[/quote]
It is a bummer they do not get caught - I have had to relinquish my own feelings of revenge otherwise I would be playing their game.

Since this woman has a MFCC license and is a grief counselor I wonder if filing a complaint against her to the behavior sciences board would do her some good and protect others from her harm in the future? The last thing that I want to do is cause her pain and suffering - I'm not the vindictive type, however, I am also not going to deny my own feelings of anger and hatred towards her that I had to work through to find some acceptance and peace.I have had to wait to get clear on my motives and I feel a sense of duty to be honest and outspoken about her incompetence, especially if she is a grief counselor and she lacks empathy...

Thanks,
Lise

Hopalong

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Re: I think I have just had my 1st encounter with a Narcissist - help
« Reply #11 on: November 07, 2007, 06:26:18 PM »
I'm very sorry you experience that, Lise...and welcome.

It seems there are an awful lot of Npeople who are bright and competent enough to get into professions where they're awash in supply (the trusting attention of the vulnerable is a great sort of supply), and unfortunately "counseling" and "ministering" can slide into that so easily.

I think it takes a strong center, a personal understanding of your place in things, and some calm unannounced humility, to lead people in such intimate ways, imo. A deeply grounded person who's won most battles with the ego...

She sure doesn't sound like that.

Glad you're here,
Hopalong
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betr4

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Re: I think I have just had my 1st encounter with a Narcissist - help
« Reply #12 on: November 07, 2007, 06:43:24 PM »
Gabbenange,
Thank you for sharing this experience.  I have experienced similar situations.  I let it really bother me and felt bad about myself.  I let myself feel less than.  Now I know better.  I think it's great that you can see the reality of the situation and can share about it openly.
BR

Leah

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Re: I think I have just had my 1st encounter with a Narcissist - help
« Reply #13 on: November 07, 2007, 06:48:27 PM »

Quote
I think it takes a strong center, a personal understanding of your place in things, and some calm unannounced humility, to lead people in such intimate ways, imo. A deeply grounded person who's won most battles with the ego...

Hops,

Just want to say that I truly appreciate and value what you have written.

Love,

Leah

Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

gabbenangel

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Re: I think I have just had my 1st encounter with a Narcissist - help
« Reply #14 on: November 07, 2007, 06:59:49 PM »
Thanks Leah for your kindness and your time to write me back!  :D