Ami
Thanks for your kind words, they are much appreciated and enjoyed.
You speak of me meeting these writers that you speak of, but more than all I would rather meet you. You are of more interest to ME, than they are, because you have experienced and felt things that I have. Together we could share something, from them I could only gain knowledge. You as a person are more important than any idea.
This is where I would like to make a clarification in what you wrote. You speak of me seeing a truth, a truth about my father. Or perhaps, it is a truth about our relationship. Or perhaps it is a truth about the power of the relationship.
But I beg to differ. Instead, what I see are untruths, for truths are nothing but absolutes, and as such they make us slaves. Do not look for truths but instead look for yourself. If you search for ideas, they become more important than you. They take on a power. If you want to face truths, you are just setting up another "ghost" that will rule you. No, just look at yourself, ask of yourself, and most important ask yourself. Do not ask others, but take information from them as you please. But in the end, you need to put yourself at the center, make yourself the ultimate valuation, and make all untruths answerable to yourself.
For when the untruth is ultimately face to face with myself, it is an unworthy opponent. It can never defeat me, I can only defeat myself. All untruths are nothing but fodder, and they can only have value for me in how I choose and nothing more. If they have a temporary value for me, I make them my own, and when they no longer serve me, I toss them away. The important thing is that I own them and do with them as I will.
When I, and I mean the very capital I, stand before any untruths, I see a power of infinite proportions. There is no entity, no power, nothing other than myself that has any value. The untruths are like a speck of dust in a forgotten corner of the universe. They are for me to do as I wish, they are my own, I possess them, they do not possess me.
So, all you need to do is see yourself. See your body, your mind, your emotions, or anything else that is you. Bring yourself to revelation and declare to yourself (no need to declare it to anyone else, because that is superfluous) that you exist and that you are the most important thing to yourself. Everything else must bow down before you and become your servant.
This may sound dark and ominous, but it need not be so. We are animals, but we are also intelligent animals. In all our naturalness, we are not really that terrible, that dark, that cruel, like some would have you believe. We are what we are and there is no doubt that the social is also an important part of us. We know how to act and we know how to behave almost instinctively. Some do it better than others. There are aberrations, the psychopaths for example, but they are just that, exceptions. We must deal with them as we have to. But in general, we enjoy being with others, we enjoy experiencing them, we enjoy consuming them. And to do this we must act in ways that brings us that enjoyment. Again, some do it better than others, but I will place confidence in one thing. Those who have themselves squarely between their eyes certainly do not become delusional. They act in the most proper steps. They are not led by their ideas and fantasies but instead are led by themselves, that person, that individual, who is just as unique as anyone else, and that individual is all of you and the ultimate importance.
So find that person again, throw off all your clamping shells, bring yourself out and proclaim to yourself, I am it, I am the most important, everything I come in to contact needs to pass through my value function. When you do this you no longer get caught us in the illusions of fame, of success, of recognition, of acknowledgement, of praise. For all that is hollow, because at the end of anything that may exist or happen, ultimately the only judgement that matters is mine. And I see myself as "perfect" and so it is. I will make errors no doubt, and I will learn, but I can not be any more than I am at this point in time. I accept myself totally and unconditionally!
Steve
