Glad you liked it Lighter and Ami. I went back and looked at it just now. The guy who devised this used to give seminars based on his triangle. I would be very interested in learning more. I so fully get ALL the stuff inside the triangle but I don't really get the stuff on the outside - and of course that is exactly where I plan to get.
when I first looked at the triangle I could only really take in the three inside corners: Anxiety; Avoidance; Unworthiness. It was so shocking to see there in black and white, a triangle, with some of the very issues that I have been assiduously working to overcome on a daily basis.
When I just looked again I really saw for the first time that Self Doubt is highlighted, enboldened, right in the center. That really speaks to me. While the triangle doesn't give me a clue as to how to get on the outside, here's a little excerpt from my little book of Favor. "If you expect favor to flow to you from your Father's table then you can come and dine today. Living in doubt, fear, frustration and I cannot do it will only bring evil into your life."
Just under "self doubt" in the triangle is "helplessness". Oh my heavens. I have fallen into such a trap of helplessness. What a shock to see it tied directly to "self doubt" surrounded by "despair" (that's me), "failure" (me too), and "isolation" (oh my gosh). And then to see the connective tissue between anxiety and avoidance is "paralysis" and between unworthy and anxiety is "shame", the two things I have written about most since I've been here. The only thing in the triangle that does not connect with me is "boredom". I suspect I could scrounge around and find a substitute word for that which does apply to me but "boredom" does not.
So, I found this triangle that describes me to a nutshell. The only thing it leaves out is, "How did I get in this triangle?" and "How do I get out?" I definitely am on the path out. For me it is changing around the way I view and react to the world, which has everything to do with how I got into this trap in the first place. The more I work on changing my world view the more I understand how I got here and the more I am able to move out of it.
My experience with my mother and the orange bin was so helpful because is was a shining light into my life long experience of having the rug pulled out from underneath me by my own family and then when I complained being made out as "the problem." I've been through a psychologicallly similar experience with one of my brothers and nephews this weekend. I found myself in a psychological maelstrom that was pulling me down into a dark abyss. The only way out was to put all of my effort into meditating and concentrating on positive thoughts and on being loved and feeling love. It was a real battle for two nights (while I stayed with my nephew). I got very little sleep and each time I awoke with such a tremendous sense of dread and wretched (reoccurring) dreams I would return to meditation positive thoughts. It is an extraordinarily powerful experience for me to begin to break free from this ever present darkness I have lived in.
My whole life, and I am not alone here, especially as a child, I was marginalized and belittled and told things that boiled down to leaving me in a state of expecting the worst. (Since my teens, even before that, getting up in the morning has been difficult because of an indescribable sense of dread. It has taken me years to understand where this came from.) Why have I always expected the worst? Because the worst was expected of me!!!
The same action done by two different people will be interpreted according to our view of the person. If we like the person me might praise the action. If we dislike the person we might excoriate the same action. Well many of us here lived in a world where whatever we did was viewed through a lens of condemnation. When you live in a condemning family, especially one that claims to "love" you, there is little hope of becoming anything but a self-condemning person filled to the core with "Self Doubt".
So now the cat's out of the bag for me. I lived in a condemning family. I became self-condemning and bitter that the world rejected me and powerless to do anything about it. I was victimized and have been waiting for someone to come along and rescue me - someone, anyone!!! Not a good, hopeful or successful position to be in - just a set-up for more victimization. I look back in amazement at how foolish it seems that for so long I thought that if someone could recognize how desparate I was that they would rush in and rescue me. HELLO!! People see deparation and RUN!!! Would that help me understand why I have been living with rejection and in isolation? It might be an itty bitty clue.
"Expect to be kicked around, and ther will be those who are eager to do it. Expect success and favor with God andman, and you will get exactly what you expect."
"Daniel was a captive. He was a foreigner. His people were hated in Babylon. There was no earthly reason for him to have favor with the leaders in this gentile court. Why did he have favor? He had favor flowing from his spirit. He expected good things to happen. he had a healthy attitude toward others, regardless of his surroundings. He did not allow his adverse circumstances to turn him sour. He had a sense of success flowing from within. he had authority. He walked in strengght and in victory."
(from my little book of Favor)
I've got the picture!!!!!
My whole life I was scapegoated, projected onto and treated like scum and I began to act like scum and expect to be treated like scum and treat others with those expectations and in like manner. I was SO helpless!!! and SO deparate!!! And the only way out was to be rescued. WRONG!!!
I am pulling myself out of the mire. I will not be defeated and I will not languish in dispair and loneliness and isolation any longer. Things are beginning to happen for me and I am thankful. And as always, indescribably thankful to Dr. Grossman and the Voicelessess community for helping my find my voice. - Love, Gaining Strength
