Remember that story about the surfer who pulled his own hand off?

[lighter]

He was attacked by a shark and ended up with his hand in it's mouth so he sawed it off with the shark's teeth and managed to swim back to shore?

It happened... really.

Is that where people have to get in order to go NC with an N parent?

Is it like cutting off something as important as an appendage?

So.... it's almost impossible to do?

The surfer never would have thought he'd saw off his own hand, on purpose.... but there he was..... doing it, nonetheless.

[lighter]

It's scary to come to a place like the shark or the rocks.

It frightening that cutting off a piece of oneself is better, safer, the ONLY choice at some point.

Even scarier to think that some leave themselves wedged in the rocks.... in the sharks mouth..... under a cruel N's control. 

They dont' survive,

do they CB?

[Overcomer]

my H basically is on contact with his parents-oh he sent them a birthday card a few weeks late and they have not responded-did not send me one.  but he has the luxury of being 2000 miles away-I live 5 blocks away and work with my mom.  Although I see her as a run away train-she is going to crash.  I guess my situation is not worth cutting my arm off for but their have been times I wanted to run!

[Ami]

WOW
What analogies with the arms. I think that they are good analogies. You have to be very desperate and have a very desperate situation to go NC. Our familes are  very important to living a "whole" llife, I think. It is like cutting off an "arm"(emotionaly).
 It is about pure survival. Now, I am looking at my H. Do I have to lose another arm--bleh?                  Ami

[Hopalong]

Cutting out toxic hope
may be as painful...

but it also saves our lives.

I saw a documentary about the one
who sawed off his arm in the crevasse.

A reporter went back there with him.
They re-walked his journey.

He is healthy, alive, moving forward into his life.
He has left the crevasse behind.

He is so very present in the present.

If his arm were an N he couldn't stop hoping after...
life's better.

Look at how the doggies with three legs, or in wheelcarts respond.
Soon as they're healed enough to move, they MOVE!

They are ALIVE! There's stuff to smell! Other dogs! Other people to kiss!

Let's get smellin'!

xo
Hops

[lighter]

I guess choosing to saw off a hand is an easier choice......

you say.... "I want to live" and you saw..... and maybe you live.

If one chooses to go NC with a parent..... of an entire FOO..... you don't have the apparent life or death struggle.

You can't say.... I can either die or saw/go NC/erase them from my life, bc you won't physically die.

You say..... for my emotional survival/wellbeing I am cutting them off.

People look at you as though you've grown a third head.... as with Tayana's co worker.

They don't see survival issues..... but they're there, nonetheless.

[lighter]

I agree with you, Shunned.

It's just harder for outsiders to understand it's a matter of survival.

They don't want to know.

They don't want it to be true......

so they doubt and become confused and make assumptions that get them off the hook.

How could they understand something that makes so little sense?

It's improabable.... it's a nightmare and children live that nightmare everyday..... how overwhelming for those who focus on the problem of child abuse within FOO's.

I guess everyone has their dragons to sleigh......  everyone struggles with what's on their plates, under the best of circumstances.,

I'm curiouse, Shunned...... looking back.... what could have been done, that wasn't done for you?

By outsiders, teachers, neighbors, family or friend's families? 

What would have helped and what would you do for a child you saw struggling in your shoes today? 

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  I wish that s/one would have done that for you.                    Love  Ami

((((((((((((((Amber)))))))))))))))))))

[lighter]

If someone had taken me aside, privately and asked me what was wrong. Why I wrote stories in the 6th grade about nightmares and being able to predict the future... If someone had asked what it was like at home.


If I knew - or even suspected - a story similar to Twiggy's belonged to a child I had contact with - I'd try to find a way to make her feel comfortable, safe, and then I'd listen until the words stopped. Then, I'd try to help her form a plan to go on... a way to put it into perspective as an event in her life... and tell her how other people live and treat each other. Educate, commiserate, console and encourage.

Ok.... I felt rather hopeless reading your post, until you got to this part of.....

"helping the child form a plan.... a way to put it into perspective as an event in her life..."

That makes sense I couldn't see that part of the puzzle, though I've thought about this over the last 25 years.


I always thought that we take so many fluff and stuff courses in school..... why not have something that educates children on abuse and identifying it in their own homes, their friends homes.    Help them identify healthier ways of relating and teach them there are alternatives to the FOO life they're stuck with now.

Education and mentors... hmmmm.

How much can a mentor do and how would they be able to listen to the truth and send the child back into the home?  Eek.

It's such an overwhelmingly difficult problem bc there seems to be no solution good enough.

People are pretty much allowed to be abusive parents..... and if we remove the children, they may end up separated from sibs or in even worse situations... foster care etc.

If we make the parents mad.... yikes,bc the child/children are likely to end up back in the home eventually.

There's no way to stop people from being dysfunctional... they're already overwhelmed as I see it.... but the children have to be exposed to education so they can do better somehow: (

(((shunned)))  I wish there were better classes on family life, domestic abuse and the different types of abuse out there... covert and overt, etc.

I assume lightbulbs would go off all over the place..... and maybe that's just what the system doesn't want to happen?: /

They're already struggling.....

[Hopalong]

Well - I have done that for me.

   
                           

(((((Amber)))))

What a wonderful line to read.

Very glad,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

This is such a powerful thread for me.  I often wondered, for years wondered why noone stepped in to help me or to just acknowledge to me what was going on.  But finally I realized that had anyone offered a hand to me that my parents would have found a way to "cut it off". (Seems an appropriate metaphor for this thread.)

I find that the only ones who can really understand are others who have had some part of a similar experience.  I am so thankful to find others who have an inkling here.  But then the real difficulty is that many others who have had similar experiences, while they can be very hepful and affirming they can also be easily triggered by some of our own wounds.  That happened in my relationship with my late husband.  I have seen similar instances here on Voicelessness but the great value of this place is that we can turn off the computer and we can put blocks on our PMs and we can choose not to read certain posters.  This is a safe place for me to explore my wounds with others who have had horrific wounds as well. - GS

[Ami]

Dear GS,
  I find that God can reach me as I empty out pain. He was there all the time but I was too filled up with pain to let Him in.
  I think of so many hurting and dysfunctional people in the churches. I always wondered why are they  so dysfunctional when they have God and should be at peace. Now, I think that I know.
  They are trying to cover over a "swamp" with perfume.
   We have to get rid of our "issues" before we can allow peace,joy and love in.
  The pain will crowd them out. This is what I am realizing, anyway .               Love   Ami