Shunned's Tale of Twiggy

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  There is some fascinating information in your last two entries.
   I see how my N mother really squashed my emotions (other than fear) as yours did. Fear was acceptable. Self destructive behavior was acceptable.
  However "good" emotions like joy, contentment, peace would be "punished' s/how. It was made clear that you would get "hurt" s/how for daring to feel anything good. The punishment could be shame or ridicule,but it hurt sufficeintly that we(I) knew NOT to dare have it again. Then, the role(the false me) did not even feel it --anymore.
  At some point,"good " emotions were lost--even to me. This is so sad.
  So, with emotions ----only fear was allowed. The others were punished.
    Intention is thoughts that then go forward in to actions. Emotions are probably more "primal" than thoughts. We feel and then we interpret the feeling as a thought.
  However, I am aware ----now----of my thoughts---what a freakin mess. I will watch them ---as you said.
  I am aware of my feelings,too. I can see that certain situations and even certain thoughts trigger feelings. Being around woman triggers depression and feeling frozen.
  I noticed s/thing new.When I want to do s/thing good for myself like take an art class or ,even clean a closet
  a feeling of depression and being paralyzed comes over me.
 I can do certain things w/out getting these feelings. I can study new things.I can buy things for my appearance like contacts, make-up, clothes,etc. I don't feel depressed when I do this. These things made my M proud of me. She took pride in my appearance and in my education. HOWEVER,if I want to do s/thing that will make me stronger emotionally or happy---I get a huge depression come over me. I just saw this.
  I am watching my emotions ,now. I am not so afraid of them,anymore. I CAN watch them.I am not powerless  and afraid that they will overwhelm me. I can always do the inner child exercises on them and release them. I see them as teaching me s/thing.
 They are a source of information----not an enemy.
 I feel very happy to become whole. I see myself as getting centered and whole----little by little.             Ami
   

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
   I see how I am "afraid" or uncomfortable with any emotion other than fear . I have been feeling anger.it feels really scary and like I will come "unglued".
 However,I realize that I can reclaim anger..It will feel a little strange,but it will come back in to my tool box of emotions .
 I see that I am uncomfortable with being "confident" and strong ,but comfortable with being weak, submissive, "nice'(our favorite) and self destructive( another favorite)
   The "weak" ones did not threaten my M.In fact, they built her up and me "down" so she encouraged them.
   I guess that in time, I will feel comfortable with the "good stances'like "strong" and confident.It will probably take a little time, though.   Hope that you are doing well, Amber.                 Ami

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  This is a HUGE,life changing revelation.I will get back later,as I want to really study it.I am very very happy for you.I bet that you feel lighter and freer inside. Am I right?                         Ami

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  I think that there is a "natural' drive in the human to heal,like a plant moves toward the sun.I am so happy for you that you made a huge shift. All it was ,as I see it, was letting go of more lies. We were forced to "eat" lies. Now, we can  get rid of them and we are new , beautiful creatures---strong, confident, whole and loving.                                    Ami

[Ami]

I just saw this last post.I was feeling discouraged at the enormity of how the "role" engulfed my life. I am really feeling a sadness   to face that all these years ,I was engulfed by the role and I "thought" that it was true.I thought that it was "me". This is BIG,BIG to see.
  However, on the other hand,I have to "practice" as you and I think(Bill meant this ,too)the "real" me.
  When I lost myself at 14, I liked many of the qualities of the "real" me.I was very social. I was not a perfectionist,at all. It was "not in my vocabulary"" to be the "best" at anything.I was happy being me with what I had. I could face myself as I was. I could face my "bad" human "leanings"( ie selfishness, pettiness etc) as "just human". I knew that I had these and everyone else did ,too.
  I had activities that I liked ,but I did not have to be the best, by far.I just enjoyed it.I had an ability to make people feel comfortable and I liked that.
   I have to recover these qualities and then go forward from there,I think.I have to add facing life ,as it is--without  illusions--bleh. This is hard,but it is needed.
 So, I think that what  you mean, Amber is  that we have to be "us" and not the role and go forth practicing this until it becomes who we are. (I think I got it)                     Ami

[Ami]

Dear Amber, You are doing SO well. You are right. There is resistance to letting go of the Role b/c it is familiar . It kept us "alive" and we trust it----bleh. That is how I see it.It is also a habit.I think that part of the fear of letting it go might be fear of people's anger at us if we become "strong"---or better than Mom,as you said.i think that the 'better than Mom thing is a hUGE key. That is a huge root for me, too.
 You were very wise when you said,"Little by little."
   I want to share s/thing BIG that happened to me,today.I was not sure where to put  it,but decided that it could go on this thread  b/c it was under the heading of re=claiming ourselves.
  Here is what happened. My S(older) was talking to my M on Sunday night. My M was being very charming and 'loving". My S knows about N's b/c he had a boss who was an N. My S told me that he would never have been able to even "comprehend my M if it had not been for this boss. So, my S understands N's very well.
 After ,my S got off he said that Grammy always tried to turn us against you--even when we were little kids. He had told me this before. However, suddenly,I "knew" things that I never faced before.
  My M was  good  to my S. However,I was the TARGET.. She could deceive my S so she could be the "good GM". However,in her core, she was ( and always will be) trying to destroy ME.
  I guess what I saw was HOW EVIL she was.
    I told my F this morning. He  tried to "take away my reality" and "blame " ME  for seeing it.I held firm. I told him ,"Of course, you don't want to face it. Why would you? I HAVE to face it if I am going to get well."
 So, I faced a little more about HOW and WHY I got so sick.I simply could not face the evil in my own mother.
 I would rather get mentally ill than face it. So, that is what happened.I did.
  Now, healing involves facing whatever is the truth. I started  seeing this whole scenario while I  was trying to help Lupita and Lise . I was telling them that they HAVE to face the truth. Then,it hit me that I did too-bleh.
  The truth is the "pill"-- the magic pill --if there is one. The truth---the truth--- the truth --until you are free----no matter WHAT you have to face. Or  the opposite --- stay sick----Sigh.               Ami.

[Iphi]

Dear shunned - I identify with every word of your post completely down to smoking reinforcing the lowliness so that the N can feel above us.  It feels amazing to read your words!

[Ami]

Dear Amber and Iphi,
  This thread is really mind -blowing. Thank you so much for being there.                        Ami



(((((((((((((((((Amber,Iphi))))))))))))))))))))

[Iphi]

I missed your new post Ami while I was posting my own.  First - your S is so great.  I loved hearing about his reaction to his grandmother's snow job on the phone.  I wish to god I had some family like that instead of a bunch of suckers and ostriches.. and delusionists.   

This is relevant but I need to give some background.  Last year before I discovered N-ism I was already working on my issues approaching from the angle of anxiety (which came into focus clearly as a crippling issue when I quit smoking in 05).  At that time, I (probably foolishly) told my sister that I had a breakthrough on smoking and stuckness in life and my anxiety issues - that it was all connected to our FOO and being the Target.  I told her "I am the Target. He needs to use me that way to take out all his negative emotions."  He is constantly trying to entrap me into a situation where he can "open fire" with ALL he's got and he's got a lot.  I'm the target target target and everywhere I go, in relation to my NDad, there is a fat bullseye on me and he will never let me take it off.   

And the story will always be you are the target because you deserve it.

Anyway, my sister thinks I deserve it because I provoke my dad to it and that is just very disillusioning, but it shows that the N's story works, at least for a while and with some people.

I understand what you are saying completely.

[Ami]

Yes--so much stable to shovel--too little time.
Iphi-- one thing that is "neat" is that you can raise your kids to be "honest". My S and I have a relationship that I WISH I could have with everyone.Mainly, we are honest with each other. When we get mad at each other, we figure out who was at fault. and that person remedies it..
   It sounds so simple.I guess that it is simple ,but people's ego's get in the way,I guess.The neat thing is that you can bring up your kids totally different than you were brought up.
  Thanks for your sweet words. I will tell him .                  Love    Ami

((((((((((((((Iphi))))))))))))))))))
 

[Leah]

Dear Shunned,

So identify with what you have shared here regarding your NM and being "in control", the charade of her being the 'head of the house' and if one felt good, and/or succeeded at anything - even having good friends and social invitations - she would be jealous.  And yes, would claim the credit, find a way to spoil it.

Amazes me, once again, the similiarities of Nism interactions in FOO life.

Just want to encourage you by saying; YOU will get YOU back ... ALL of it.

YOU deserve to BE.

Love, Leah

[Ami]

Just a thought, Amber.I think what is stopping us in just being "us" is fear.
 I see that fear is the glue in many of my  "dysfunctional" behaviors. For example, I have seen two of my own "dysfunctional' behaviors and how fear was the "root"
  One is perfectionism. I see how I take it as a" failure" if my Yorkie goes to the bathroom in the house.(for one example) It 'hit" me that I am "imposing" this standard of perfectionism on MYSELF. Why? I am afraid that I will feel shame ,somehow. I am afraid that it reflects  on me in some way that I will feel "bad" about myself. The other one that I saw was "control". I feel like I have to be "nice" so people will like me. Then,I can "like' myself and not feel "shame". So,again, I am afraid to feel 'shame". Again,I am imposing this on myself. The root is fear--in some twisted way(usually).
  So ,back to us and the Role. In some way, we are afraid to give up the role. Maybe, we have lived with it for so long that we know "how" to live with it and to "cope"like this. What will we be like when we are "real"? Will people still 'like' us? Will people reject us when we get strong?
Will people think that we are "too full of ourselves?"
  Better the devil that we know than the angel  we don't(or however it goes).
  Anyway,I think that our resistance to change is some form of fear?
                  Ami

[Leah]

Fear - is a state or condition marked by the feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger or uncertainty. Unlike anxiety, fear has an object that can be conquered with self-affirmation and courage.

As I have learned, one needs to have courage to be.

Love, Leah

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  I find that as we talk about it( our being suck in the Role) here-- the power of it diminishes. It is like a huge balloon" that loses a little air each time we look it straight in the face. Do you agree?        Ami




PS Amber-- Can you explain your last post more. I know that you have a profound point ,but I can't really get it. Thanks Amber

[Leah]

Courage, confidence, and boldness to use my voice, is through my faith in God, my source of affirmation and courage.

Love,

Leah