"Divorce"----Time

[Ami]

I can't do it anymore. I can't want my M to love me anymore. I can't try to be "good " enough anymore.I can't try to think in a screwed up enough manner so she will love me and be a mother.I can't do it.
 I have felt that I was wrong to divorce my M b/c maybe God would be "mad" . I know that He doesn't get "mad,but I didn't want to "disappoint"Him.Maybe He wanted to use me to "help" her. However,one wise man used to say be careful when you offer s/one a life preserver that you don't go down ,too. Don't offer it if you will be pulled in to the water and drown.
 I just can't do it anymore.
 I can't sacrifice myself for her ,anymore. I have good qualities  that I have to "mine". I have perceptions that I have to trust.I have a 'core" that I have to reclaim from the wasteland that she pushed it in.
 Having an N mother is like having a disability.I knew a guy who was a "thalidomide" baby. He was a very good  organist.. He had a disability.
   I was handed a "disability". I have to grow new tissue over the scar .I have to start "growing",not keep picking at the scar.                     Ami

[Iphi]

I completely understand what you are saying and want to share what I sometimes think - who says god especially wants us to help the willful and instransigent who refuse to learn their own lessons?  Sure god allows us to help them - and maybe that is our lesson to learn.

[JanetLG]

Ami,

Have you ever wondered that God might be 'madder' if you went through your whole life, with your NMum beating you down, and wasted it? You are capable of such a lot, and she's been dragging you down, so that she looks better than you. I wonder how God would view that?

Janet

[Ami]

You are right--once again--my friend.I was hanging on to "stupid ideas" and thinking that it was God. People(myself very included) use the Bible and stay in things that they should not, like abusive relationships.
  Our Father (God) loves us and wants us to be whole and sound in mind and body.I just figured this out---but at least better late than never-right?   Thanks for your support and love ,Janet     Ami

[JanetLG]

Ami,

You're right - God would want both you AND YOUR MOTHER to be whole...but that doesn't mean that it's your job to make that happen (for your mother, that is). She might tell you that it's your job (if she gets one more chance, which, hopefully, she won't, now that you've started NC). But you have the responsibility for you, and she has the responsibility for her. That's the difference, I think.


Janet

[gabbenangel]

Having an N mother is like having a disability.

This is a good analogy.

I feel as though I am disabled from loving completely, as though my heart was broken, doused with gasoline and set on fire the scar will always be there and the healing is slow and journey back to health can have pitfalls - yes, that is a bit dramatic.

You recall that guy John Gray who wrote Men are from Mars etc... a book that reads almost like a parody? Well he also wrote a book called Mar's and Venus breaking up. Which he wrote that a broken heart is like a broken bone; if the bone heals properly, taking the time to reset it, it will actually grow back stronger. Which seems true, I broke my left arm at the wrist when I was in 6th grade. My left wrist is now stronger than my right one and I am right handed.

John G. said that the same is true of our hearts. If we take the time to properly reset our hearts, feeling the anger at what happened, the sorrow at what we did not want to happen and the sadness and fear of what may happen:

He claims four healing emotions:

Anger
Sorrow
Sadness
Fear

That might be the wrong order and I can't recall all that he said. But the main thing is to not get stuck in any one emotion - we have to work through all to heal a broken heart so that we are not disabled in our capacity to love but instead are more capable in our capacity to love, our hearts will grow back stronger...

I think that people that have had N parents have had a piece of their heart broken every day. In order to live they have had to heal over and over again..that is why they are so capable of being loving and strong.

[Iphi]

Wow gabbenangel, your post is wonderful.

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
 HOW did you figure out to keep going within and facing and facing your pain? I can see how there are gifts  AFTER you heal. The big "trick" though is to actually heal and not just put perfume over the swamp---as so many people do.      Ami

[Ami]

Is Today your birthday---Leah?    Happy ,Happy Birthday.                                        Ami

[gabbenangel]

Dear Lise,
 HOW did you figure out to keep going within and facing and facing your pain? I can see how there are gifts  AFTER you heal. The big "trick" though is to actually heal and not just put perfume over the swamp---as so many people do.      Ami

Hi Ami,

This is interesting...we will be healing for the rest of our lives but sometimes I wish we could be healed and live in fullness NOW too. True fullness will come in heaven.

Our painful story is always trying to find a way to act itself out and tell the world our secret pain, when I stop acting out, or manipulating life, I have to feel, I have to surrender and sometimes the surrender takes me deep into my grief and loneliness.

I stay south of my head...anywhere below my neck, my old therapist used to say "stay with those feelings"

I think about Christ on the cross, suffering, hands nailed, unable to reach and grasp for anything...no ciggs, or starbucks or high carb food, no glass of wine or medication....he had to suffer alone but he was not going no where he was on his way to a life beyond anything that we can imagine.

 Are we not supposed to live life like Christ did on the cross? The only comfort Christ had was the blessed mother Mary...and that is true for us..we can pray to her and ask her to be our mom..she is supposed to be the perfect mom, without sin.

The problem is that "mud always sticks to a clean spot", right?  And how easy it is to project my cold-hearted mom onto the perfect mom and her perfect love...I'll never give up trying though.

Love,
Lise
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[gabbenangel]

What the heck kind of a font is that?? oops... I am new to this board and these little font tricks and stuff throw me for a loop sometimes. Here is the same post again without the super blinding red font.





HOW did you figure out to keep going within and facing and facing your pain? I can see how there are gifts  AFTER you heal. The big "trick" though is to actually heal and not just put perfume over the swamp---as so many people do.      Ami

Hi Ami,

This is interesting...we will be healing for the rest of our lives but sometimes I wish we could be healed and live in fullness NOW too. True fullness will come in heaven.

Our painful story is always trying to find a way to act itself out and tell the world our secret pain, when I stop acting out, or manipulating life, I have to feel, I have to surrender and sometimes the surrender takes me deep into my grief and loneliness.

I stay south of my head...anywhere below my neck, my old therapist used to say "stay with those feelings"

I think about Christ on the cross, suffering, hands nailed, unable to reach and grasp for anything...no ciggs, or starbucks or high carb food, no glass of wine or medication....he had to suffer alone but he was not going no where he was on his way to a life beyond anything that we can imagine.

 Are we not supposed to live life like Christ did on the cross? The only comfort Christ had was the blessed mother Mary...and that is true for us..we can pray to her and ask her to be our mom..she is supposed to be the perfect mom, without sin.

The problem is that "mud always sticks to a clean spot", right?  And how easy it is to project my cold-hearted mom onto the perfect mom and her perfect love...I'll never give up trying though.

Love,
Lise
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[isittoolate]

Having an N mother is like having a disability.I knew a guy who was a "thalidomide" baby. (irrelevant)He was a very good  organist.. He had a disability.
   I was handed a "disability". I have to grow new tissue over the scar .(Have you ever grown more skin after the skin has healed to a scar?) I have to start "growing",not keep picking at the scar.                     Ami
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Posted by: gabbenangel 

Having an N mother is like having a disability.

This is a good analogy. (Think woman, think!)

Hey girls

Please don't say this again"Having an N mother is like having a disability"

That is an over simplification.

You can go NC with an N mother,and the problem is over. She has a mental disability. I have a physical disability and I cannot turn my back on it, so it will go away.

An N mother, I expect, has the ability to cause her children to have their own mental disabilties, but did she give you CP, MS, quadra-tetra-paraplegia, spina bifida, were you a thalidomide baby?  Where are the scars on most of these and many other disabilities. I have a scar on my back from my shoulders blades down approx 18" with rods nuts and bolts and clamps that held me together.

Can you qualify for Disability Pension because of your N mother? When you are approved for that, I will take back this post!!

What an N mother gives to her children is wrong ways of thinking, Heinz 57 varities of abuse. I'm sure you have experienced crazymaking? She screwed with your MINDS, and gave you a mental disability to overcome You can do it! Just dump mother!

Many physical disabilities are permanent and cannot be overcome. My mother had spent 39 years in the wheelchair when she died. That did not allow me to 'dump my chair'.

Izzy

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[Ami]

 Dear Izzy,
  No disrespect was meant to anyone. A physical disability is very different.
  I brought up the organist b/c he played with his feet.              Ami

[cats paw]

      (((( Izzy's mother,  Izzy,  Izzy's daughter )))


                        (((  Izzy  )))

[gabbenangel]

An N mother, I expect, has the ability to cause her children to have their own mental disabilities, but did she give you CP, MS, quadra-tetra-paraplegia, spina bifida, were you a thalidomide baby?  Where are the scars on most of these and many other disabilities. I have a scar on my back from my shoulders blades down approx 18" with rods nuts and bolts and clamps that held me together.

Well that is certainly a different perspective. Yes, you lost a part of yourself  that you will never get back.

I can only speak for us, N mothered disabled people, that we lost our soul and ourselves and our genuine childhood, yes we can reclaim our selves and our souls and then we can help others and love more deeply.

Throughout my healing journey I have often felt dissabled, depressed, unable to get our of bed, socially disabled, unable to connect with others, and emotionally disabled. Yes, we who have been wounded are dissabled in a different way. I do not think that to say "having an N mother is an over simplification."   I wanted to jump off a bridge once...feeling disabled because of our lack of love as children is not an over simplification.

Izzy - I DO see your perspective and I value it!!!!