Newbie

[Safe4Now]

Hello Everyone    I jumped in on the "Perpetual Victim" thread, instead of intitially giving some info on myself. I apologize if my post seemed intrusive. Thanx Lighter for your suggestion. I'm a Canadian woman who just left her NH, 3 wks. ago. It was a classic scenerio: my mother was dying of a terminal illness. I had dropped everything to move & be w/ her for the last yr. of her life. Yet, that yr.I see as as precious gift of bonding. I was grieving long before my mother passed on. So I was a prime target when I met & moved in w/NH. Thought he was the "man of my dreams", I ignored red flags, allowed my boundaries to be pushed,& hindsight is 20/20. We lived together 1 yr.1/2, but I didn't wake up until shortly after we married. We were only H & W for 5 mos.. My mother passed on shortly after our honeymoon (if you could call it that). I was in grief councelling, but my husband "turned up the heat". I knew that what I was experiencing wasn't just the loss of my mother. I was losing myself. Between therapy, my faith & my friends (one of whom is a psychiatrist), I quickly got my H's number & got out & moved far away. I'm in councelling w/ a woman well versed in PD's., am surrounded by caring friends & have accessed many resourses lately.During my "research phase", I came across many forums & felt this, the most comfortable & inspiring one. I feel the need to connect w/ others in the same boat & also w/ people who've "landed ashore". I know I must be driving my friends nuts by rehashing, but I definetely don't want too spend much time in that place. I'm seeking out as much self care as I can to guide me through this nightmare. I want back that woman I once was not too long ago & reclaim my life again. I have confidence that I'll heal from this & learn protective measures for the future. Your stories here are inspiring & insightful & I look forward to sharing. I love to read, so any book suggestions would be very appreciated.

[Ami]

Dear Safe,
  I would be interested in s/thing,if you care to share about it. I lost myself at 14. You said that you lost yourself with the NH. Could you explain HOW were  before and  how you lost yourself?IOW, did you have self confidence and a trust in yourself before the NH? Were you confident and "strong" about who you were?
  Since ,I am trying to "reclaim" myself,I would be interested in your perspective b/c you did not grow up with an N parent,but married an N.
  Thanks so much , Ami

[Leah]

Hello Safe,

"A Very Warm Welcome"

You are in a good place here.

So very pleased to know that you have support, that really does make such a difference along ones journey.

Well here on board, you can go ahead and rehash as much as you feel the need to, the voice of freedom is yours.

Love, Leah

[isittoolate]

hi Safe4now

I have confidence that I'll heal from this & learn protective measures for the future

You appear to have yourself under control. The above sentence of yours just made me think that with your -- I was grieving long before my mother passed on. So I was a prime target

Many people who don't see it coming are usually in a delicate situation of some kind, perhaps their minds totally on something other than meeting a man, and he falls in, right 'out of the blue'.

It's after the fact that we learn about these quick romances, quick marriages, and all his past marriages etc.

Welcome and good Luck
Izzy

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[gabbenangel]

Hi Safe4Now!

Welcome. I am new to this board too. I have found it to be like Leah says, a safe place to hash and rehash. People are warm and accepting and they have some great insights to share.

you said:

I want back that woman I once was not too long ago & reclaim my life again.

Through your healing, staying with the feelings and letting go you are guaranteed to get back the woman you once were, reclaim your life and then some...Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual growth.

Peace,
Lise

[S]

Thanx for the welcome. Ami, in response, yes, I was confident & felt strong before I met my NH. I grew up happy, despite an absentee father. My mother worked hard to raise my brother & I. I always had repect for her for bringing us up "right". In my 20's I went for therapy & dealt w/ the" dad issues". When I got news of my mom's illness, I had my own biz, great social life & felt very at peace. But I had no qualms about leaving to be w/ my mom. We lived so far apart & couldn't see each other often. We were close, so I wanted to be w/ her.But I was also far from everything I knew & called home. Another disadvantage for me.....no support system. Of course, as I go thru this, I'm sure I'll discover what exactly was going on w/ me to get in this mess. The last thing I want is to repeat this mistake. By "losing myself" I mean, I no longer laughed, or wanted to call my friends, lived in fear, made excuses for H's behaviour & ignored taking care of my boundaries. All the opposite of how I was before I met NH.Your'e right , Izzy. It was a quick marriage & hindsight is 20/20. I tried for a while to push councelling  w/ H & then gave up when I realized it was a dead end. His behaviour wouldn't change, so I had to. I clearly see my blind spots now.I take responsibility for not having my eyes open. I've never been in an abusive relationship & my last b/f & I were together a decade. I hope this sheds a bit more light. Have a great night everyone. I'm going to do some yoga & work out some of the anger I have. lol Thanx for listening. PS: Lise, I entirely agree that pain causes our souls to grow. Night.

[reallyME]

S, WELCOME!  Thank you for sharing your story with us and letting us know where you are at in life.  Blessya!

There are many many good books to read.

Here are my suggestions:

To avoid getting hooked to another narcissist- The Language of Letting Go
To understand borderline personality disorder- Stop Walking on Eggshells
To understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder- Why Is it Always About You
To learn how to respond to verbal abusers- You Can't Say That To Me

There are many great ones out there- M Scott Peck's "People of the Lie", "The Borderline Mother" "Mommie Dearest"

I have read soooooo many books, seen videos, done studies on personality disorder, that I can't even remember all of the names of them!

Many people who don't see it coming are usually in a delicate situation of some kind, perhaps their minds totally on something other than meeting a man, and he falls in, right 'out of the blue'.

I want to reply to this.  X found me, blubbering and mourning over the friend/ministry partner who had dissolved our relationship of 3.5 years.  i was a mess, lonely, felt like i could not go on.  In X's favor, I will say that, I believe that SHE believed she was doing what she could to help me, be a mother figure, a minister, a counselor to me at first.  When she finally met me face to face (started as internet relationship), I didn't fit the bill of someone she wanted to have with her.  I acted immature, wasn't well groomed, and was very upset and confused.  I was too big of a project for her to undertake, not to mention, psychologically, I had too many hangups from my past.  I do believe X had some narcissistic traits and borderline ones, but to label her an N, well, there was too many mixtures of what might have been her issues.  She saw God as someone who was very displeased with people who didn't know Him personally and do things that made Him happy.  I think she saw Him very much like she saw the relationship with her minster-father.  Very untouchable because of being so holy.  That's just not the God I have a relationship with, so I couldn't go along with it and that confused and angered her, so I was punished in various ways.

Ok, well I didn't mean to hijack a thread here, but I wanted Safe also to know that I can relate to what she and all of you have shared here.

[lighter]

Hey Safe:

Are you separated from you N and how difficult is he making it for you to divorce?

Is he against it at all costs?

Are you employed and can he get to your bank account?

Who's name are the untilities and lease in?

House note etc?

Are you out, sorry if I missed something.... and sorry you lost your mama ((Safe))

[Safe]

Lighter, yes I am out, been gone for a few wks. now. There's no kids or joint property involved. Thank God. He has no access to my bank account & I am very far away from where he lives. I emailed him yesterday & told him I want a divorce. His email reply consisted of all the lies I've told, my fantasy I live in, blah, blah, blah. Projected what he'd done to me for the last yr. & 1/2. Said he was the one who would be letting go of me. Ha! First, he's going to the priest for an annulment. He still has to save face (more like his a**) to the church & our priest. Thanx ReallyMe for the book suggestions. some look beneficial to me. The ones about The N mother would give me some insight into my NH's mother, since I suspect that she's an N. My H I truly believe fits all the criteria of a somatic N plus he has most of the hallmarks of a psychopath as well. Again, thank you for your warm welcomes. It's a comforting feeling knowing that after feeling so bad about myself, even if it was for only a yr. & 1/2. I can't believe how much damage he inflicted in such a short time. Even as far away as I am, I still look over my shoulder. I hope everyone has a great day. Thank you for your condolences Lighter. My mother was a kind, loving woman & I miss her dearly. Such a shame that the events of her passing were shadowed by the pall of a sick man. NH used my grief against me & had a strange affinity for "death dates". He had circled dates of ex g/f's & my family passing, in his daytimers. He then used those dates to inflict the worst kind of pain.On the anniversary of my brother's death, was when he raped me. If I would have stayed longer, I have no doubt that he would have contined that sick game when the 1st anniversary of my mom's death came around. He's very sadistic. Thank God I'm out of there.  S