5-year-old DD wants to know about her N Grandmother

[Heather]

Hello all:

Sorry I've been absent for a few weeks, dealing with my children's birthdays, and a bout with respiratory illness. I'll try to catch up on what I've missed. 

Tonight my 5-year-old daughter asked me to tell her about my mom. She has asked generic questions before, but tonight was different. She wanted to know everything about her, and also about why we don't see her.

I wasn't prepared for these questions. They really caught me by surprise. I have absolutely no idea what to tell her that won't confuse or scare her. I'm also not sure that I want to even bring the spector of my mother into our lives. Up until now, my children have been blissfully ignorant, and therefore, happy.

I would welcome any advice.

Love and hugs to you all,
Heather

[gabbenangel]

Hi Heather,

I do not know your entire history. Perhaps your daughter is curious about your mother because she is wondering if it is her fault that her N Grandmother, (correct?) is not coming around. I could be way off but little children have big fears that center around themselves. She may be feeling as though perhaps your N mother does not love her or like her...why else would she not come around (just a guess). Children can't see the big picture beyond their hearts and minds...most everything is about them at that age and that is OK.

Lise

[isittoolate]

Hi Heather

I don't have any answers. What is a DD?

If that's a divorced daughter, well she's only 5 and think of something that will satisfy her, that is the truth, but not something you want her to repeat. Got any one-liners about Grandma still loving her? or your cars are too worn out to travel that distance.

When she is somewhat older you can add to what you have already said, and again when she is totally able to understand...........all truth as it stands at the time.

Is N Grandma out of the picture permanently?

Izzy

When my daughter was 14 and graduating with honours and a couple of other awards, she wanted her father to attend. We hadn't seen him in SIX years.

Boy was I stuck! He never supported her nor ever wrote or sent a card! He was an alcoholic.

I said, "He doesn't have a car to come down."
she sasid, "Well he can use the bus."

He doesn't have enough money for a bus ticket.
Well you have money. You can send him some.

He would just spend it on alcohol, I'm afraid.
Well send him a bus ticket

He can cash that in for money and would just spend it. I know you would really like for him to see you graduate and I wish he was able to come, but I don't know a good way to handle this.

I forget if that was all.............................

Izzy

[Heather]

Izzy-

On a message board I used to post on, DD was short for darling daughter. Is that not the case here? If not, I will have to change my slang accordingly!

Heather

[isittoolate]

Thanks Heather,

I guess at some but I am one who types the word in full

S;ok to use DD, i just needed to know what it meant.


Izzy

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[Heather]

Izzy-yes the N grandmother (my mother) is out of the picture permanently. We have not spoken in more than 7 years now.

Bean-so far.....well, she asked some basic questions about what my mom looks like and stuff, and I just answered those. But when she asked why we don't see her or talk to her like the other grandmas and grandpas, I didn't know what to say. I told her that it's hard for me to talk about my mom, and I would like some time to think about her questions. I promised to talk to her about it some more tomorrow. Then I came here and asked you guys!

[Ami]

Dear Heather,
  I grew up in a FOO where lies were everywhere and all the time. I told my children the truth of my M right from the beginning. They knew about my life b/c it was the 'truth' of my life. It was what made me who and what I was (for better or worse).
 When my kids were disrespectful,I used to say,"YOU should have one week with my M and you would appreciate me." So, my M was like some "bogeyman"-.
  For me, I was always truthful with everything,with my kids, b/c kids know the truth anyway. So,if you don't tell the truth, they get confused.
 That is how I did it. Emotional illness could be done away with in one fell swoop,if people could simply face the truth of their lives.(IME) Lies breed emotional problems. Truth frees emotional problems and brings health.
 That is my opinion and what I did with my children. Compost what does not fit.            Love   Ami

[lighter]

Ahhhh Heather, she's only 5 yo.

Whatever you tell her, and I have a 5yo too.... keep it age appropriate and G rated.

Emotionally G rated, that is.

She doesn't need to know anything scary about Gmother.

She doesn't need to know details.

IMO, I'd keep it very general..... "Mama and Grama don't see each other for lots of reasons that you won't understand and someday you will"  then show her pictures and share good stories that help build the kind of legend you want her to have in the space where healthy grandma's should go.

Keep it light and keep moving..... it's not necessary you satisfy her questions any farther than what's appropriate for her age.
::whispering:: That means she may not be satisfied to let it go at that, but you're the mama..... you know best, right? 

[BonesMS]

Hello all:

Sorry I've been absent for a few weeks, dealing with my children's birthdays, and a bout with respiratory illness. I'll try to catch up on what I've missed. 

Tonight my 5-year-old daughter asked me to tell her about my mom. She has asked generic questions before, but tonight was different. She wanted to know everything about her, and also about why we don't see her.

I wasn't prepared for these questions. They really caught me by surprise. I have absolutely no idea what to tell her that won't confuse or scare her. I'm also not sure that I want to even bring the spector of my mother into our lives. Up until now, my children have been blissfully ignorant, and therefore, happy.

I would welcome any advice.

Love and hugs to you all,
Heather

Hugs back to you Heather!!!!!

I'm putting myself in the shoes of your five year old in contemplating the question of why we don't see or talk to Grandma.  As a five year old, I would probably be able to handle the following answer:

"Honey, sometimes there are problems, between grownups, that are very difficult.  It's hard to explain right now because it's so complicated.  Because I'm your Mommy, I love you very much and want to protect you from getting hurt by anyone.  Grandma has some mental problems which are very difficult.  For now, it's better that we love her from a distance and Mommy will continue to take care of this problem."

Just my thought.

Bones

[Hopalong]

Hi Heather,
How about:

It's very sad, but sometimes two people aren't good for each other. You know? Have you ever known two kids who just can't like each other, no matter how hard they try? They finally just stay away from each other.

Your grandmother and I are two people like that. She hurts my feelings sooooooooo much that it's bad for me. And it's bad for her too.

So we are two people like that.
I am sorry this means you don't get to know your grandmother.

But I promise you're going to have LOTS of people who love you more than you can imagine!

Who do we know who's an older woman who might just love a little girl to get to know?

etc...

?? (No idea if this is good advice, please toss/ignore if it rings wrong...)

Hopalong