Struggle continues

[Lupita]

struggle

And the everyday struggle continues. I had a substitute on Friday. Yesterday Monday when I came back, my clock on the wall had disappeared. My paper clips were all spread on the desk, several things that I had deep inside my drawers were outside showing me that they had access to my belongings.
Why do they dislike me so much? There are other teachers there who have children playing Nintendo all day, going in and out of the classroom, teaching nothing, and they are loved and nobody bothers them. I teach very well, have an impeccable classroom, work all the time and my students are learning very well, and they dislike me, and make my life miserable. Dr. U is not there anymore, but I still feel the unwelcomeness. I do not know if Dr U started it or it was there before. But those behavior problems were there last year, and this year I have much less behavior problems, only once period bad, all the rest of the day is very nice. How can I discern if I had a good day and I just feel bad? I wish I could know.
I feel totally confused, alone and lonely.
No openings other places right now. Until summer will not be openings.
I need to survive. Until summer when I can look  for another job.
But if I do not know if I had a good day, any other place I am going to feel the same. Because the otehr teachers do not talk to me I do not know if they have the same problems and it is just me. When I ask they tell me that thier classes are perfect, but I know that things happen there too. But they do not tell me. I am always isolated. Everywhere I go. Nobody trusts me. Like my mother.

[Lupita]

I do not want to pay thirty dollars ro that woman on Wednesday. She is not worth it. So much sacrifice on my part and she is ignorant. She does not even have a phd only a masters. How do I know that she knows what she is doimg? She did not impressed me with her vocabulary.
I have the impression that CB, Ami. Hop and Lighter know more psichology than her.
Please help. What should I do?

[Leah]

Dear Lupita,

Yesterday, on the web came across 'Reach Out' site with 2 insightful articles;

'Challenging Negative Self-Talk'  http://www.reachout.com.au/default.asp?ti=2251

'Common Thinking Errors' http://www.reachout.com.au/default.asp?ti=2252

Maybe something there that shines a light for you.

Love, Leah

[lighter]

I don't think you should spend that money if you're going to go into that woman's office and feel awful about it the whole time.

On the other hand..... Mr. V wants you to feel better, improve your attitude and not feel hunted in the school.

How can you do that, without going to this woman?

You have to change the way you're thinking about your situation.... .that's a given but it's hard.

You'll change your employment as soon as you can.

I'm sorry this is so hard for you...... I know you'll look back someday and say..... "Ohhhhh, that's why I had to go through all this."

Until then, it's a struggle.  I think you're winning the one at shcool, if that helps: /

[Ami]

I have the impression that CB, Ami. Hop and Lighter know more psichology than her.






YEEEEEESSSSSSS

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
  I have been to so many shrinks---of all varieties. The board has so much more wisdom than  all of them--put together(IME)
 Lupita,I think  that you are making progress.It is slow,but you have a lot to overcome.
 You are a miracle to be functioning as you are.
  Now, you see that your insides are determining your external environment(to a large extent). You did not see this last year. That is a big step.
  Have you read Gabbenangel's posts. She is a treasure(IMO). She has forced herself to face the pain and from this she is shooting up like a flower--filled with beauty.
  To me, that has to be your destination---facing all the pain. At some point, you will see that it was NOT your fault--at all. At some point, the spell will be broken and you can be free to be you ,without the horrible messages of shame.
   My heart goes out to you. When you told the story of your M giving you bad food and laughing when you got sick,my heart broke for you. I told my S about that last night. He almost cried,too.
  Lupita, you have "earned" the right to every pain that you have . No one should ever judge you unless they suffered the same way.
  I think that you CAN reclaim yourself --if you go slowly and are willing to face the big ball of pain inside that is driving your life.
                          Love to You  , Ami

[Iphi]

Dear lupita - I am thinking of you every day though I don't always have any encouraging or inspiring words to say.

It is strange to say but the misbehavior of kids is not personal but just what they would do to any teacher.  They don't see you as an equal but as a Superior Authority.  They believe your power is greater than theirs and so for them it is mischief to see if they can pull tricks on someone who has power. 

I know you don't feel like you have power and it just feels like they are your equals (except in age of course) who are just being jerks to you.  But they see only your ROLE, and not your SOUL.  They are kids and aren't deep.  Even if some of them are deep, they lack broad experience so they have huge blind spots and areas of total ignorance.  They will learn by steady enforcement of rules so that in 5 or 10 years they can say, 'Wow Ms. Lupita was right to send me to the principal.  I definitely deserved it!'  But they won't say it now!  I'm sure many of their parents are being treated the same exact way and are wondering how in the world to make their child mind them and respect their teachers.  And I also think that people who say "everything is perfect. I have no problem. It must be all YOU."  Are lyiiiiinnnnnnng!

[Hopalong]

Dear Lupita,
If she is kind, and a good listener, she is worth $30.
You need a THREE-D friend and advisor.

I hope you will go.

love
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
  I hear what Hops is saying about 3-D.  My inner child book says that IF you have had severe trauma(which I think that you have ,Lupita), that you could use s/one 3 D to help you.
  However, where I am "concerned " with this current lady is if she  CAN  help you to heal deeply?
  Since, you don't have money to waste,Lupita, I would be very wise about where  you spend that money .I would pray and ask God to lead you to the right person.             Love  Ami

[Leah]

Dear Lupita,

A kind, good listening ear is priceless.

My hope also, that you go along.

Love,

Leah

[Lupita]

Guess will give it a try. Not a long time. Just a few times. The church is helping only with six sessions. After that I am on my own. Aneway 30 times 6 is 180, that is too much money anyway. And after that I am on my own.

Still, I feel very lonely.

[Lupita]

At least, and at last, I had a good day yesterday. Hope that those days repeat more often. Still do not feel happy. I am afraid to feel happy and suffer again because of things going on. I am afraid to feel well and have to feel bad again. I am afriad to be positive and recieve negative. If I go high I have to fall and hurst more when going down.

[Lupita]

The problem with self-talk is that it always feels true. Even though your thoughts might often be biased or incorrect, you tend to assume that they're facts when they're actually perceptions. 

I started the article. Thanks Lea. HOw do I know it is a fact or a perception? There is no way I can know.

[lighter]

Good Gravy, Lupita...

You know you aren't a bad person.

You know you don't deserve the bad treatment you receive.

You know the Bible Study Teacher doesn't deserve it either.

You know Dr. U was fired bc he's a butthead.

You know that he treated you and the Bible teacher badly.

You know that kids/teens aren't perfectly behaved for anyone.

You know that you're smart and a very good teacher.

You know your skills are in demand.

You know you have a problem with confidence, boundaries and asserting yourself.

You can work on confidence, boundaries and asserting yourself.

You know you love to dance so, keep dancing.

You know your mother's treatment of you wasn't appropriate... and that you have to overcome that and the negative voice it left in your head.

I know you're smart enough to handle all this, overcome this and feel better.

I don't blame you for fearing feeling good.... only to have your pegs knocked out from under you.

That's part of growing stronger.... unfortunately.

You have to start trusting yourself to take care of you. 

Sighing and focusing on the jackass instead of becoming freaked out and fearful and allowing them to persue you throughout the school. 

The jackass wouldn't persue Mud through the school..... the jackass would have to face Mud.

You can face the jackasses too, Lupita.... and be less bothered by it.

It'll just take practrice and learning not to become overwhelmed, which is your job.... it's everyone's job.  That's one of the things I learned in therapy that's worth the 30 bucks you'll be paying. 

I hope you learn just one important thing that helps you... and find the 3 D validation everyone needs in their life. 

Just being validated can help, btw.

You'll become more sure of how you feel and that your perceptions are pretty on target, you'll keep being very careful that you aren't making anything up and get stronger. 

Nothing fancy, just becoming more secure in your own skin.... learning to protect yourself and recognize people's behavior for what it is a little more quickly.  Observer mode.... not so emotionally available for them to take apart... ya know?

I highly doubt you;d go through the same exact struggle again, simply bc you've been there, done that.... skip the agonizing and accept the reality, deal with it.  That's BIG, Lupita.... it means you've gained more experience, internalized it, grown from it and learned better how to deal with it.   

I think Mr. V didn't save you.... I think he validated your own worth to you.

Sometimes I read your posts, lately anyway, and it's like you're a bit uncomfortable being validated.  You pretend it's something else or not for you, but for the bible study teacher, and you don't acknowledge that it's YOU that was valued and Dr. U who was shunned.

It won't be comfortable.  It won't feel like home.  It won't be easy..... but you're finding your place at that school.  Accept it and remember....

you can fake it till you make it. 

Lupita is worthy, maybe more worthy than many.  Maybe that's one reason why the try to tear you down? 

They feel badly about themselves, then you come along.... certainly more qualified and well educated than any of them.... AND you're a foreigner. 

Some small people have prejudices for no reason and the world is full of trouble that causes even sedate people to feel unrest with people from other countries right now.  Now you're as much a citizen as anyone else so feel it in your chest and don't let people take that feeling from you anymore.

My point is....  that you have to start feeling worthy and capable inside your chest...... and it'll come with these experiences and others.

Don't assume life will remain this hard, it won't. 

You'll figure some things out but, then you;ll face new ones.  You'll continue to grow, whether you want to or not.

Look how far you've already come. 

[Leah]

Dear Lupita,

CB has given profound insightful wisdom and signposting to enable the making of a better 'choice' in how you 'see' the events of each day.

The negative self-talk highlights incorrect thinking patterns .... when one can only 'see' the negative at every turn, and thereby, inwardly building up a condition of inner turmoil.

In life, it is my belief, that we need a right balance, with healthy choices, and don't feel the need to expound any further on CB's superb illustrations.

Having a right balance, accepting and dealing with both negative and positive aspects of daily life, making right choices, while living on my own, having been forced to live in an otherwise unknown new location, and building a new life all over again, has not been easy, but, the daily choices that I make each day, in my new life, truly make a real and lasting difference.

With all honesty, the choices are made with an inner peace, and serenity.

Love, Leah