Hola Lupita,
Muchas gracias for the compliment. I am not an expert, but I have been in therapy and I have read many books.
I read the New Mood Therapy and it is a good book. But, in my opinion, I personally prefer Albert Ellis because he teaches how to dispute irrational thought using the “ABCD” method (although I believe that Burns does that too).
Buying these books can be expensive. Why don’t you try the library?
I again suggest you read the Albert Ellis Book called
How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable about Anything: Yes Anything! and another of his books called
A Guide to Rational Living. Here’s the link for those books at amazon.com:/www.amazon.com/Guide-Rational-Living-Albert-Ellis/dp/0879800429/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/105-0824688-2540469?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1195426179&sr=1-1.
Amazon often sells books used and they are much cheaper. For example, they sell used versions of A Guide to Rational Living for $2.00. Here’s the link
www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0879800429/ref=dp_olp_1/105-0824688-2540469?ie=UTF8&qid=1195426179&sr=1-1I’m glad you bought the New Mood Therapy and I think you will find it helpful.
You wrote:
I wish that my mother was a nice person who treated me nicely. That is not going to happen either. I am in the process of accepting thatExcellente, Lupita! You see you are already using “rational thinking”, you just need to keep doing it. It is so difficult to change the way that we think. Our parents, family and society have taught us to think in ways which hurt us and we finally come to a point in our lives when we realize that we must change the way we think or else our “irrational”, unhelpful thinking will make us so unhappy and might even make us physically sick.
I think of you Lupita as starting a new journey in your life in which you are learning to change the way you think, change the way you perceive yourself and other people. I think as you proceed in this journey, you will feel happier and more peaceful within yourself, but there is also a lot of pain in this journey as we face the truth and step out of denial. Also, this journey is not like taking an express train. We don’t immediately go from self defeating, irrational thinking to rational mental health. Some days are good and some are bad and we make mistakes along the way. I think it is important to be patient with ourselves, to forgive ourselves for mistakes we make, but learn the lesson and keep going and not give up on ourselves. We have to show ourselves love, patience and understanding as we grow and make the journey.
You wrote:
Yes, but, I try to forget, and it comes back, like an obcession because I know that my beans on the table depend on a jerk. And how to control the stomach ache? It comes by ot self. I wish I could push a botton and feel well and not to care. I know a teacher whose students misbehave all the time and she says that hse is very happy. I cant do that. Lupita, that's an excellent point. I think you are describing the very essence of what it takes to change your thinking and how to move from “irrational” to “rational” thinking.
“Yes, but, I try to forget, and it comes back, like an obcession “It is difficult to control our thoughts, but what you have to learn here is how to MANAGE and ORGANIZE your thoughts. You must become CONSCIOUS of your THOUGHTS and realize that your THOUGHTS effect your EMOTIONS and that your EMOTIONS can effect you PHYSICALLY.
So, you try to forget the Pastor, but the THOUGHT of him comes back and then you feel an EMOTION like anger, fear, sadness and then you get a PHYSICAL reaction, like your stomach hurts or you can’t sleep. So, for right now, just become CONSCIOUS and AWARE that these 3 things (thought, emotion and physical-body reaction) are intertwined and connected. Because these 3 things are inter-connected (thought, emotion and physical-body reaction), it is so important to become consciously aware of HOW you think (rational or irrational) because it all starts with your thoughts. Your thoughts trigger your emotions and your emotions can trigger physical reactions in your body (like stomach aches and insomnia). This is why it is important to MANAGE your thoughts so that you can feel your emotions without having a stomach ache or insomnia.
You don’t want to think about the Pastor, but he is an intrusive thought. So think about the Pastor and become aware that when you think about the Pastor, you feel emotions like hurt, anger, fear, hate, frustration. Allow yourself to feel your emotions, don’t run away from your emotions, feel them and own them. They are your emotions. But then, start using “rational” thinking and ask yourself “I feel these emotions, but what can I do to feel better so that I won’t have insomnia or a stomach ache?”
You can tell yourself “I realize I feel these emotions (hurt, anger, fear, hate, frustration) because I want the Pastor to be different. I want the Pastor to like me, help me and compliment me, but I know that will probably not happen. I know that is not realty. I know the reality is that the Pastor may want to hurt me and I know that I cannot change the Pastor. So, what can I do to protect myself against the Pastor so that I won’t feel so bad”?
Maybe at this point, you want to write a list of things you can do to protect yourself, like not letting him hug you, avoiding him, not choosing to give him the power to make you feel bad about yourself, etc. You should also repeat positive affirmations to yourself. Now, you may feel better because you have taken back your power, you have a plan for how you will think about and interact with the Pastor so that you no longer feel like his victim. You are being PROACTIVE and using your power to make yourself feel better and you are no longer being a powerless REACTIVE victim of the Pastor (or the teachers who give you dirty looks or anyone else)
Maybe I can write this in a poster and read it everyday and see if I use it as an affirmation it might sink in my brain. Like Lighter says, fake it till you make it..Yes, these are great ideas: make posters for yourself, if you like, get some color markers and paper (arts and crafts supplies) and make yourself some beautiful posters. Yes, fake it till you make it. Believe in yourself and take back your power. Promise yourself that you will no longer give your power away to anyone.
T
hat I already do, and definitively will keep doing it, since all my behavior is unconsciousI think this is something you have to change: You must try to become CONSCIOUS of your thoughts, emotions, behavior and how your body reacts to your thoughts, emotions and behavior. We don’t want to unconsciously sleep walk through life. We want to be aware and conscious of what and how we think and feel. This is a skill which takes time to learn, so be patient with yourself.
T
his is very difficult, since I get paralyzed when somebody is aggressive to me.Lupita, this journey will be difficult, but you can do it if you want to. It is very difficult to change our thinking and behavior patterns, but we must. To go on living as we are is too painful and self defeating (we feel that we suffer), so we want to change. So, spend time thinking about how you can react next time someone is aggressive. Remember what I said yesterday: make a conscious effort to not be physically close to these people and if someone tries to hug you, step back and block their arms, not in a hostile way (they’re not trying to mug you), but in a calm and assertive way and say (in a calm and assertive voice) “please do not hug/touch me because I don’t like it”. You have to learn to be brave and assert yourself, but not in a hostel way. Remember, be calm, assertive and SELF CONFIDENT. If you do not feel self confident, then “fake it till you make it”.
So, those who choose to be mean are just mean people and I cant change them. YES, YES, YES! Correct!
but difficult to believe since people obey him and if he tell them to do dirty work they will do dirty work. But, they have made a choice to do his dirty work. Doing his dirty work is their choice.
So hi has power, and it makes me feel bad that he does not like me, because I feel rejected for the one thousand time again. Yes, he does have power, but you have to choose to NOT give him power over your emotions. He has power in the school and church, but he can only have power over your emotions and your soul if you allow him, if you give him YOUR power. The pastor does not own you and he doesn’t own your mind, your body or your soul. You are a free woman and you are free to make your own choices in your life.
If I get caught off guard I get paralyzed.Not getting paralyzed is something you have to work on. Practice in your mind how you can react in a non-paralyzed way. Read some books on how to act assertively. There’s a book on “verbal self defense” called The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense at Work by Suzette Haden Elgin and here’s the link:
http://www.amazon.com/Gentle-Art-Verbal-Self-Defense-Work/dp/0735200890/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/105-5018522-7356415?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1195431601&sr=1-1. You can buy a used copy at Amazon for $5 or check the library.
I tell my self, everyday I cannot suffer for them I cannot suffer dor them and I am still suffering.Learning not to suffer is what you hope to achieve by taking this journey. Please be patient, it takes time.
This is what happening to me, everybody tells me how I should feel but nobody tells me how to do it. People can give you suggestions on how to do this, but ultimately, it is up to you to discover “how to do it”. Realize that you are taking this journey to learn “how to do it”. You know that if it was so simple that someone could just tell us “how to do it”, then the world would be emotionally healthy and everyone would be happy. But that’s not realty. I think one of the main objects of your journey is for YOU to figure out how YOU can “do it” so that you feel happier and won’t feel like you are suffering.
Con mucho amor y de nada.
