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N mothers

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Anonymous:

--- Quote from: Tokyojim ---Yes, N behaviors can often be seen clearly when there is a death or serious illness.

My N "friend" demonstrated this twice.  Needless to say, he would not attend the wake or burial services.  I did not even ask.

When his own uncle died, it was the same thing.  "Funerals make me depressed, and it does not change anything anyway," he said.
--- End quote ---



It sounds as if this person does not believe in death, and thinks that if he doesn't look at it, it will go away.  Funerals do change something.  They allow us to let go of people we love, and commit them to God's care, if we happen to believe in such a thing.  They are an important part of life.  It is disrespectful to just sweep a person under the carpet as if they were never there in the first place, imo.


Cathy

Tokyojim:
Cathy,

Very insightful!

My N "friend" very, very frequently talks about old age and death.  He tries to frighten me about it.  For example, saying that when we hit our 70s, how horrible and ugly we will look.  And that we have already lived at least 70% of our lives and the years are passing faster.  Whenever I say ANYTHING optimistic or positive, like I notice many elderly people finding peace, or that can be a time of freedom and reflection, he says that I am in denial and that he has accepted the fact that we will soon become impotent, disfigured and scoffed at by most of society.

These ideas themselves do not depress or affect me in the slightest.  What I find offensive is his purpose and his attitude.

Anonymous:
Tokyojim,

This guy sounds like massive creep with few redeeming qualities that don't compensate for the bad qualities. How can you stand him for even 30 seconds?

bunny

mighty mouse:
Yeah Tokyojim,

I would like to know what Bunny asked as well? Not trying to gang up on you....but very curious.

MM

Tokyojim:
Bunny and MM,

I do not feel as though you are "ganging up" on me at all.  On the contrary, I thank you for your interest.

There are many people who post here, so I do not expect anyone to remember one I posted almost 2 months ago that answers your questions (April 13).

I will just cut, paste and edit:

I have an N “friend” of 40 years, since high school.

I have wondered why I continued to maintain the friendship. It was fine from a distance – an occasional phone call and a brief meeting when I was in town. However, whenever the contact became more frequent, it soon becomes tedious, and I become frustrated or very angry. I cannot rely on him, I am embarrassed to introduce him to my real friends, and he has enraged me a number of times. I had pretty good parents, have no inclination toward codependency, was married a very stable woman, etc. So why did I maintain this “friendship?”

I reflected on this when it became unbearable and finally realized the terrible reasons. First, his energy and fantasies can be interesting in very small doses. However, much more than that, the disease was infectious! He had put the poison in my mind that I was really better than everyone else. How easy life becomes with that! Whenever there was some normal conflict and stress, I could retreat to my kingdom where I am superior to my surroundings, above it all. I have had a farily normal life – a marriage to a good woman, job success, and a couple of stable kids who are now grown. A couple of years ago, I went through a divorce, moved to a new town, and started a new job. I was alone and shaky, and the N went for the jugular. I got re-infected with the idea that I was superior to everyone and above it all, so the people around me were not worth any effort. How easy! I felt something was wrong. It was probably like a drug. There is a temporary good feeling, but one knows that one’s soul and humanity are being destroyed. I cut off the N supply two months ago. Naturally, he stopped contacting me. The result is amazing! I am enjoying people in the community, seeing their humanity, and they are contacting me.

I am writing this because I may have a different point of view. Most people here seem to have been intimately involved as a spouse or a child of an N. I became an infected person who absorbed the disease to some degree. So far, my healthy part won out, but the N thinking had to be fought before it destroyed me. Under its brief spell, I was incapable of love and friendship, and was becoming isolated. Of course, I still worry because some remains.

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