Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

N mothers

<< < (2/5) > >>

Portia:
Hiya Cathy. What a confusion. The way I see it, your friend is dead. The funeral will be theatre for the Ns, while it should be a group remembering. It’s bound to be awful, it won’t be a good opportunity to remember your friend. So if you go for your friend, you will feel hurt (on behalf of your friend) by others’ attitudes and probably actions. You can grieve for A yourself, privately, perhaps at the time the funeral is taking place? Perhaps do your own thing at home? And tell us what you do, if that will help. If you want, I will be here at the (UK) time tomorrow (if during the day) and you can share your memories with me, if you wish. I don’t think going to this funeral is what you want to do, and I don’t think from what you’ve said it will be any good for you. Whatever A wanted or didn’t want for her funeral doesn’t really matter. If there isn’t any spirit life, she won’t know, she already gone. If there is a spirit life, she’ll possibly be aware of who is grieving for her and who is using the event for themselves. So I guess the best you can do for A is to be true to yourself.

Now, what about L? Were you her friend too or not? She’s presumably asking you to attend out of memory for her sister, but funerals are really for the living, not the dead. So do you want to support L by going, and even if you do go, will you be able to support her? That’s a big commitment and if you aren’t that close to L, there’s a limit to what your presence will bring.

So. What do you feel? The most immediate question is about L isn’t it? If you feel you want to support L (and I hope you don’t feel obliged to because of your friendship with her sister), there are other ways you can do this. You can call her today and tell her you won’t be there, if you decide not to go. If you want to, you could suggest meeting her separately. It might be good for just the two of you to meet and share memories. And so on. But it is not your duty to support L. It would be your choice.

One more word about the death. A died when she died. It was an event that happened. It’s over. The funeral doesn’t change that, it’s an event held at an arbitrary time. If you want to remember and mourn A, in my book it’s better to do it the way you want to, with honesty and meaning. Funerals often don’t achieve this.

Let us know what you decide…..P

PS. Thoughts while making coffee. I don’t want to believe the mother’s attitude. Saying that to her daughter, to be nice to the aunt? Totally denying the idea that the daughter may have her own emotions. Sorry, just got angry about it. And the mother has no emotions (or is in deep grief shock, who knows). But anyway, I thought wouldn’t it be great if you could say to the sister, hey, you don’t have to go to this funeral, let’s do our own thing. And that would be culturally and socially acceptable. Sigh.

Portia:
Hiya again Cathy. A story for you. I went to a funeral last year which was a real celebration of the deceased. They played his chosen music, talked about his life and, a real corker! – they had a spiritualist make a speech about how the deceased had recently become interested in spiritualism and how he had had a particular dream just before he died. And this was in a Church of England church! The vicar was not happy and made it clear in his reply speech. It was a hoot. Really, just what he would have loved – religious argument at his funeral. He was a man with a cynical sense of humour.  :D So he was very much ‘there’ in our minds. However my mother was also there and her presence and behaviour totally overshadowed my mourning his death. If I say I was left in a position where I was seated between my father and her boyfriend – who each did not know who the other was – it might give you a flavour of how ridiculous the whole day became.  :roll: It was my turning point in realising and admitting about her. So – funerals. The sister L may have her moment of realisation at the funeral, maybe not. But if she does, she’ll need someone to talk to about it, someone who won’t judge but who will understand. And you may want to be someone she can talk to. Maybe not. Just a thought. P

Anonymous:
Cathy,

My condolences on the death of your school friend.

It doesn't sound like the deceased even wanted a funeral! So don't bother going to it unless you want to attend for yourself and/or to support her sister. At this point it sounds a bit harsh to tell the sister that you won't be there. But if you'd be traumatized, then you have to take care of yourself first.

bunny

Tokyojim:
Yes, N behaviors can often be seen clearly when there is a death or serious illness.

My N "friend" demonstrated this twice.  When we were teenagers and young adults, my father gave him free medical care and was otherwise kind to him and took us to fun places.  When my father was hospitalized and in his last days, my N "friend" would not visit him because he said sickness makes him depressed.  Needless to say, he would not attend the wake or burial services.  I did not even ask.

When his own uncle died, it was the same thing.  "Funerals make me depressed, and it does not change anything anyway," he said.

Anonymous:
Still wondering about this.  One minute I am sure I will not go.  The next I am sure I will.  I have consulted two friends today - apart from your good selves, that is - who both say I should not go, because it will not be what I need, and that I am too unwell, which is another aspect that I have tried to ignore.  I always think, if I try hard enough, I can do it, and pay for it afterwards.   :oops:

My main reason for going would be for L.  She told me that she does not want to go, but thinks that if she doesn't, she will offend the husband and daughter of her sister.  Which is not really a good enough reason, except that because I knew it would be hard for her, I said I would do my very best to be there for her.  A and L were both good friends of mine at school; Anne was closest, but both were good friends.  We were all prefects together - the goody two shoes of the school!!!

So, Linda is going so as not to offend the family.  I am going to support L.  Madness.  We should neither of us be there.  And you are right about this being a gathering of Ns, and lots of ego stuff.  I am getting my suspicions about the husband as well.  Some of the things he says about himself - in fact most of what he says is about himself.  So if I go I am playing the supply game by another route.

Twilight zone music as I feel myself surrounded by these creatures!!!

Stay at home time, I suspect.  I'll let you know.  Thanks everyone for your support.  I have read all the stories and they are horrific - just like my mother - she uses every funeral she goes to as a re-enactment of her grief for her parents, collapsing in anyone's arms who happens to be around - you have to make sure to stand away from her - and saying to everyone there in effect, 'you may think you are grieving but just look at me!!!  Nearly forty years on and still as bad as the day they died!!!!!  Nobody loves like I do.'  (Which is right!!!)

 :D
Cathy

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page