Today, I asked for Divorce, Yay! or Hey!?

[lighter]

((((Hops))))


::offering Hops some Southern Comfort Egg Nog with a little nog::  MMmmm.... want some?

[Hopalong]

Long as I get to stick my nose in nutmeg!

 

Hops

[lighter]

You can have the whole can..... I just want the sweet creamy smoothy goodness that is the egg nog. 

I suppose I'll be good and sick of it by Christmas, lol. 

[changing]

Hi Safe-

Sorry that you are feeling blue.
I too have had so many misgivings during the long dark nights of holiday season- was it really my fault, if I change would they love me then, etc. Being isolated makes it feel like any familiar connection at all would be welcome, even a hurtful one. I know that you will figure out what is truly best for you, and not let emotional vulnerability have the last word. Whatever you choose to do, do it from a position of strength. You know what is right. There is so much to explore and be happy about and there are so many worthwhile endeavors to give one's energy to in life- I hope you find some lovely people and things to engage with during the holidays.

I am so sorry about the tragic losses of your mother and brother. I hope that you find your mission in life, friendship and love and a place to belong and contribute- I know that your loved ones would have wanted that for you, and would want you to be happy. (((((Safe))))) God Bless You.

Love,

Changing

[Safe]

Thank you all for your words of love & encourgement. I try to sit w/ my emotions & just feel, I journal a lot & yet I still feel numb. I wrack my brain to think of the bad times, the little things are the hardest to put my finger on....I come up empty & just remembering the fun we had together. I feel guilty for not being a good catholic & being by my husband's side, esp. w/ Advent coming.And the message that I'm no better, plays over & over. I wish I could shut my mind off....stop all the chatter. I woke up @ 2:10 am....couldn't breathe, sweating (I know it's not menopause- have those symptoms under control for a long time)....couldn't get back to sleep til 5. One thing that's really bugging me, is that this is the 1st time I've ever been married. I waited til my late 40's to say my vows b/c I wanted to be sure that the man I wed, I would be w/ for life. I had the perfect Catholic ceremony, mass & all...said my vows before God & meant them. My priest happens to also be a psychologist. I've emailed him, told him my situation & still he insists on working w/ my H. He wants me to wait & not make hasty decisions. I wish I could hate my H....would be so much easier; but I don't. Instead, I feel badly for him; that it wasn't his fault for having a bad childhood. I go to counceling ea. wk. & I haven't been able to access my deep emotions yet. I force myself to look for them & wind up numb & confused. It's like my head knows one thing & my heart feels the opposite. An internal battle, I can't seem to win. Does that make sense? Lighter...when you say "buck me up"...it reminds me of my mom; she's British & said it a lot.Thanx for that.It's definetely a roller coaster but not an enjoyable ride. I used to pull back, listen to the words H used & how he said them. Many times, I'd pull the reciever from my ear, look at it & ask "Who am I talking to?" Lately, it's not like that...I can't wait to hear his voice or look for his emails...I feel like i'm going nuts. Thank you again for all of your kind words. Safe

[changing]

Safe-

I will be praying for you. God gave you free will choice as a birthright. You have the right to choose and to use wisdom. Whatever you do, use your wisdom in doing it. One thing that could help in getting your mind clear is to do things that make you feel happy and strong, meet with friends, do nice things for yourself, exercise, do whatever makes you happy.

I love music and art and nature.These things give me perspective and strength. Whatever it is , you deserve to enjoy life and thereby give credit to those who have loved and cared for you. May you have God's comfort  and protection and blessings.

Love,

Changing

[lighter]

What happened to the Psychiatrist friend of yours?

Are you holing up alone..... or has everyone kind of withdrawn?

You need support.

Where did the people go who have an understanding about N's and how they operate?

Of course, your Catholic Priest wants to 'work on your H' he thinks he's seen everything and can fix everyone.

He's going to be a bit surprised if he tries to fix this N, I'm afraid.

Please stop with the guilt.... guilt sucks.

Please trust yourself..... pay attention to the obviouse and stop making excuses for the improbable.

The improbable is the story of what your H has done to you and his marriage.

There's no good reason to deconstruct either but..... that's what he's done.

Don't let him make you doubt that reality.... don't let him make you feel you're crazy.

You came on this board sounding strong and sure...... you were feeling confident about your feelings.

Your N's been working on you..... it's all over your posts.

Please, talk to the people who know something about N's and don't let eveyone else talk you into doubting yourself or what your N has done.

If he loved you..... and treated you well..... you wouldn't have been planning to divorce him 5mo into the marriage.

Pull back.  Observe.  I couldn't breath for a while there either.... something was actually locked up in me gullet..... my diaphram or something.  It was nerves and shock..... confusion, pain and doubt working on me physically.  

Oh.... I wanted to say this.... before I forget... about the post before this... something you said..

You may enjoy being dominated..... ::shrug:: that's part of you.  Accept it.  

Here's the thing...... that looks pretty OK now.... you can see dealing with that in your 40's, right?

What about in your 50's?  

What will it look like in your 70's?  When you're sick?  When he's in charge of your care?  

That's one thing that always sobered me up, if I got stupid and wanted to sink into what if's about staying.

I don't want to be at the mercy of someone who takes pleasure in deconstructing me.  

I don't want to even think about it.  

Where's your line?  If you don't know yet...... you will.

Ride the waves.... you'll feel stronger again, soon enough.  It's an ebb and flow..... the bad times don't last.

My father always said....."nothing good nor bad lasts forever."  

He was right.  


ps... you can always play games (with regard to domination) with a nice trustworthy man.  Games can be fun.... this is real life.  You'll want to be very careful about who you trust with your body and soul.... yes?

[Hopalong]

Me too.
Some of the thoughts that released me from my 2nd marriage (about which decision I was paralysed for years because I meant my vows with my whole soul, and the guilt kept me in a toxic situation for a prime chapter of my life...) were:

--can I envision this person taking loving care of me if I were ever helpless? NO
--can I envision him being kind and selfless interacting with children or grandchildren? NO

Enough.

I left the marriage and my only regret was not rescuing myself sooner. I deeply wish I had been assertive enough to get an annullment. I had EVERY right...as you do, Alone.

And in years since I've created a loving community of friends, who would care for me kindly if I ever needed them.

You WILL be okay without him.

And your priest does not know a woman's life, and is relying on dogma to advise you what is right for you.

Please don't let him.

love to you,
Hops

[Leah]

Dear Safe,

I was raised to respect the priest's final word.

However, my angst was turned to peace, by the actual truth of God's word.

And all my research to date has both affirmed and validated my heart rending decision to end my abusive marriage.

In the 'What Helps' I have posted some info on the 4 reasons one can divorce, as the covenant is broken.

Applicable in the 1st century and still today in the 21st century.

With no feelings of guilt for doing so, none whatsoever.

Hope my sharing is of some help and comfort to you.

Sincerely yours,

Love, Leah

[changing]

Leah-


Thank you for directing us to the other area- I must admit I rarely go there. It seems that with one of those 4 reasons for divorce,  the others  are usually there as well, perhaps hidden. I have always marveled at how some take one sentence and act as if it were the entire wisdom on the subject, especially in issues such as divorce. God's law is there to protect the righteous and as a guide for a good life, not to make them prey to evil. Religions sometimes force girls to marry against their wills, or to submit children to the perversions of the hierarchy, saying that God wills it and using one verse or another.

Even the priesthood has changed regarding marriage.At one time in church history priests could and did marry. God's law is perfect, but man can use it wrongly.

Thank you for the information Leah.

Love,

Changing

[Leah]

Even the priesthood has changed regarding marriage.At one time in church history priests could and did marry. God's law is perfect, but man can use it wrongly.


Thanks Changing,

Yes, the priests did marry.  And also, there were women priests!

To date, have thoroughly enjoyed my research and study -- ongoing!


Just to say, all the very best as you sit your Finals

Feel sure that you will do very well indeed.

Love, Leah