Today, I asked for Divorce, Yay! or Hey!?

[Safe4Now]

Hi hope everyone's having a good nite. I certainly am. I just left my H of 4 mos. of marriage, only a few wks. back. Have a good councelor, schooled in abusive N/P's  & am very appreciative. I've  had sporadic email contact w/ my H. Until today. This morning I fired off a message stating that I want a divorce & no contact. Period. Of course, I got one back; full of projection, blame & crazy making...like I'm surprised? lol He said 1 thing that really made me laugh tho... HE was leaving me! Imagine.! The rest of the day I kept busy but I was in a bit of a funk. This evening I decided to call my sis-in-law. None of his family even knew I'd left. I like his family, save for his N mother. I didn't know at 1st what I'd say to her, then my story just flowed. She believed me, validated me, asked how I was...then she told ME stories. Stories that I now know are serious lies that my NPH told me & many others. He often poisened my mind against his family, except dear mom. Yet, it was his family that shunned him.More validation. My sis-in-law then told me to call all 3 siblings & their wives & tell them, since they'll have even more light to shed. What's truly sad is that I wasn't the only family member to suffer. After my mom's death, I was so looking forward to having many in laws.. Now that's ripped away from me too. But I can call (collect if I like) & cry on her shoulder anytime she said. So, in my heart she'll always be a sister. So what started out as a tense then gloomy day, became a night full of surprises & AHA's & some sad realizations for many people. I believe in God & have felt thru this process that I shouldn't hide under a rock. That I should tell the truth. Drag the evil from the darkness & bring it into the light. Secrets are damaging, truth is uplifting. That's how I feel right now...uplifted. I don't say this at the expense of my NPH ( altho, I am Very P***ed off).... to me, he's a self-condemned man. I don't even have to go there. He does it all by himself. And answer to God all by himself, b/c he no longer has a wife. Nite, thanks for reading my rant.

[axa]

Hi Safe,

Glad you are feeling upbeat.  There will be difficult times, well he is an N but hang on in there.  I have not been online for sometime but you seem very clear about your decision........... wish I had been so smart and not wasted my time and energy on such a waster.  Anyway good luck

axa

[changing]

Dear Safe-

I am sorry that you are having so much to deal with (((((Safe))))). Like Axa, i wish I had taken the steps that you have, as early in my marriage. I knew then (didn't know about Ns, but I knew). I thought I could change,he could change, God wanted me to stay, blah blah blah- now all these years later and I am counting the days until I am free!!! I hope that you can work on your dreams now that "he has left you" (that is rather humorous, and typical N way of twisting things)
Hang in there!

Love,

Changing

[Leah]

Dear (((( Safe ))))

Your wisdom is truly wonderful to hear.

Secrets are indeed damaging and truth is very uplifting.

With God on your side, giving you strength and wisdom, just know you are going to be okay.

So very heartwarming to know that you had a real mum and have many precious loving memories in your heart.

Glad to know that you have a good counsellor who is knowledgeable in the N/P disorderly behaviours.

So very happy to know that you are standing on the 'rock' and not hiding behind it!

The truth will take you onto a new life, along a much better way than the one NH would have taken you.

Much love & hugs,

Leah

[lighter]

Being proactive, getting over the shame quickly.... reaching out.... holding them accountable immediately for physical abuse and threats by filing a police report and asking for a TPO is extremely important.

I don't know how you managed to understand that but you have.

Get ready for his craziness to escalate...... copy and save his e mails.  Try not to respond.

No Contact is a wonderful thing..... for you.

[Ami]

Dear Safe,
  I hear a strength in you that I did not have it in my marriage. I think that you have the most important thing-- yourself.
  You did not get denuded(it does not seem). So, you will be able to handle the situation without all these emotional issues burdening you.
  I think that you will know what to do and how to do it if you listen to yourself and respect that "still small voice" inside.                       Love   Ami

(((((((((((((((((Safe))))))))))))))))))

[Safe]

Thank you for your words of encouragememt. I have been documenting & am bracing myself for escalation on his part. I was very fortunate when I lived w/ My NPH, in that I have a dear friend who's a psychiatrist. She helped me thru my mom's terminal illness & after she passed. When a bit of the grief fog lifted; was when I was able to see my H's behaviours more clearly. My friend, then showed me the criteria for an N & P in the DSM. At first, it was a shock, but I then read & researched as much as possible. Put 2 & 2 together, & voila....I left in a N.Y. hurry. I suppose I wasn't too surprised about H's diagnoses, since my mom a few yrs. back, had an NP co-worker who created complete havoc in her office.We'd email info back & forth re; Dr. Hare's book, so I was aware of these personality disorders. Being proactive has definetely helped me thru this first mo. Yet, I feel the need to embrace my emotional healing at his time; as painful as it is. Having No Contact will be a blessing as I journey on. My focus now will be on ME! And yes, I'm quite clear about my decision. But I don't think that it was about being smart or not, that I was able to wake up early on. My heart goes out to you who've endured this torture & continue to. I see that there are varying circumstances that lead us to stay for however long; Kids, money, wanting to believe it will go back to the honeymoon phase, etc.. The important thing is that your'e aware of the disorder, know that you can't do anything to change it & that the change has to come from within you. That's why were here; to support each other, no matter where we are in our journeys. I'm still apprehensive of my future; but I do know that I have loving friends, a great councelor & most importantly God above. I count my blessings ea. day, since I know that if I bought into my NPH's dream any longer, I wouldn't feel any support around me. I'm also thankful for this board. Your stories & wisdom sharing has helped tremendously. I do have a couple of questions; Ami -what is denuded? And how do I get rid of the white envelope beneath my name? I tried to get rid of it last nite, to no avail. Hence today, I'm not logging in until it's gone. Love & peace in Christ to all. Safe

[Leah]

Love & Peace in Christ to you Safe,

The white envelope shows your personal email address.

You will need to log in and go to PROFILE

then at the left hand side go to Modify Profile and select ACCOUNT RELATED SETTINGS

then Tick Box with HIDE EMAIL ADDRESS FROM PUBLIC?

Rest assured, with the Tick Box activated, no-one else on the board will see the white envelope and have access to your personal e-mail address.

Love, Leah

[Hopalong]

BRAVO, Safe.

Oh bravo.

Can you set your email account to automatically forward all emails from him directly to your attorney?

xo
Hops

[Safe]

Hop...I don't have a lawyer yet. Yet being the operative word. Things work different here in Canada. I can wait a yr. & file for divorce. But if NPH wants to take the gloves off & fight me in court...it'll be a bad scene. I have enough to bury him already. He doesn't know where to find me to even serve papers on me.But I'll keep it in mind, if I have to retain one. So far, he hasn't emailed back...good. All's quiet on the front...for now. Leah, I tried doing the above...still nothing. Guess I'll have to go thru the site admin., do you know how I can contact them? Thanx, Safe

[Leah]

Safe,

With the Tick Box activated no-one else can see the white envelope

You can

But we can't

Leah


Just looked at your posting as Safe4Now and white envelope is still there.

Ok

After entering the TICK in the Tick Box alongside HIDE EMAIL ADDRESS FROM PUBLIC?

did you scroll down to bottom of screen

and enter your CURRENT PASSWORD and click on CHANGE PROFILE ???

This you would need to do to activate the update/change

[Safe]

Hi All...haven't posted for a while. I gave up trying to rid the white envelope, so I'm writing as a guest & can't start a new thread. Someday, i'll figure this thing out. lol It's the least of my worries at this point. A few wks. ago, I was so clear, felt so strong & empowered. I wanted a divorce & no contact. My no contact was breached 5 days later, when my NH emailed me w/ the news that he'd gone to see our priest. NH said, that he was told to wait til the new yr. to make any decision on annulment/divorce. Now he's going to bible study 1X a wk., mass 2X a wk., is decorating the church for advent & on the church bowling team. A cradle catholic who barely attended mass til he met me & now he's pratically moved in there. What's worse is, I caved in. It's working on me. I question what kind of person I am for not being forgiving, to not cast the 1st stone. After all, I'm no saint...I was a bad a$$ when I was younger; lied, led a hedonistic lifestyle & treated men like dirt. Maybe I deserve no better than I gave out. Perhaps I'm a masochist...I like to be dominated. Thought about that a lot lately. How my NH provided me w/ ways to fuel my sick little fantasies. Today is my brother's birthday. He's been dead 6 yrs. We were tight. Last yr. on this day, my NH was so sweet to me; offered to take me to the cemetary & was very loving all day. He even held me while I cried myself to sleep that night. But at around 2 am, I felt H's hands on me & he took me by force. I was in shock, barely awake, couldn't move or speak. Part of me remembers now, that I told myself I liked it. That's why I feel just as sick as he is. This morning I got an email from H, who wants to put flowers on my brother's grave, since I'm far away. I can't seem to shake this "connection" between my H & I. The holidays are looming; a sacred time for being loving & I'm missing the fellowship of my church. I miss my brother & my mom who's now buried in the same plot. And I miss my H. I guess I'm all over the map lately....thanx for letting me ramble. Safe

[Leah]

Dear ((((( Safe )))))

Personally, I truly understand, as I found the run up to Christmas to be a most difficult and painful time; as I was in a strange place and all alone for the very first time in my life; after having left a refuge and found a flat, with divorce proceedings in place.  And admittedly, there were moments that I actually romanticized and thought of going back, as preference to the feeling of shock emptiness that was mine, at that time.

Separation and loss is like grief.  Separation and loss from your H, from people who mixed with, from your church, everything that was a day to day normality.

My heart truly reaches out to you, as you have more pain that i had to endure, as you also have the anniversaries of your dear ones, your mother and your brother, at this time.

Dwelling on your life with H in this way is absolutely normal, as was explained to me at the time.

Oddly enough, my now exH took my church from me also!!  And it was most angst bearing at the time as he had not wanted to set foot in there previously!  Honestly.  Apparently, that is not an unusual angle either, something else I learned.

You will walk through this; walk into the light from all this darkness, believe me, I did, though at the time, I never thought I would.

Keep writing it all out as you feel led and comfortable, Safe.

Gentle thoughts of you.

With sincere empathy,

Love and a Hug,

Leah

[lighter]

Hi Safe:

I'm sorry the roller coaster ride is so confusing..... but it's a roller coaster ride, no way around it.

Your husband didn't get where he is,in your head and heart,bc he doesn't know what makes you tick. 

He does.

Please be aware of your intuition.  It KNOWS THINGS.  Pull back and observe his actions.  You don't have to make any decisions right now.

You may notice he's playing on your sympathy.  Asking for your pity after he's done some pretty awful things to you.

Turning around and playing good cop/bad cop to keep you coming back.... keep you hoping he'll change, keep you under control, maybe?  Doubting yourself?  Telling you that you caused some bad behavior on his part?  Just listen to what he's doing, not what he's saying. 

Blaming you isn't loving behavior..... no matter how many church bowling teams he joins.

It's OK to hope.  It's OK to take refuge in that part of your relationship that offers safety. I used to call it 'keeping the demons away' but..... I just knew where the demon was..... and when my father fell apart after unsuccesful brain surgery.... when my friend was dying of cancer.... it made me feel better to have my ex husband "keep the demons away."  He'd just sit by my bed...... after all the awful things he'd done and said to me.... I was comforted by his presense, bc of what he meant to me at one time.  I knew I was the special part of that relationship.... what made him special was my belief, not him.  He was never really safe for me and never wanted me to be OK.  That was the reality.


If I ever let him back in.... it always went back to blaming and shaming and crazy anger on his part for things he'd done to me.  It wasn't going to work.  As long as I was independant and he wanted something from me...... he was kind and pleasant.... provided we didn't talk about anything important. 

He finally realized that there was nothing for him here but friendship from a safe distance.  He ended the relationship and that was that.   

You don't have to love your H the way he wants.  You can put yourself first, that's one of your jobs.

If he's truly an N..... then his kind words are spoken in currency..... he wants something from you and he's spending them wisely.  He won't be wasing kind words when he doesn't want something from you. 

That's no way to live..... waiting for a kindness that only comes when you're in revolt.

If you're anything like me, and your younger days remind me of myself, then you may crave serenity.  You're willing to do and say things that aren't fair, to keep the peace.  We're good people for demanding controlling people to have around.  They don't think we deserve to be treated fairly... and on some level.... we agree. 

You can do that for only so long.... then it becomes crystal clear that you can't bend over far enough, long enough, the right way..... in order to keep the peace.  They require we bend until we break.... and then there's no pretending anymore, is there?

I wish we didn't have to come to that point of no return, before we figure it out, but it's often the case.

I don't like feeling the confusion you seem to be dealing with.

It's awful. 

I wish I could buck you up and help you trust yourself. 

If nothing else..... can you just sit with your feelings..... whatever they are..... sit with them and not DO anything about them for a while.  Maybe keep a journal and go back to it..... sometimes seeing the details of our lives helps us find clarity over time.  Always helped me when I could remember to do it.

If he loves you and cares for you,in a way that allows for you to be OK too.... he won't try to talk you out of your ideas about what's good for you.  He won't constantly be trying to change your NO's, into YES's.  He'll support you and help you, not keep coming up with reasons you shouldn't honor yourself. 

Good Luck Safe

[Hopalong]

If he's truly an N..... then his kind words are spoken in currency..... he wants something from you and he's spending them wisely.  He won't be wasing kind words when he doesn't want something from you.

Lighter,
This is cogent to the point of poetry.

You use your mind...and what luck to be a witness. Thank you.

love,
Hops