Does anyone have this?

[Ami]

I was not going to put this on the board. I wrote a PM to a member who is further down the road that I am and asked her this question. Then I thought,I am almost '"totally bare'" anyway, here----- so why not just be honest.
  The other day at my party,I had a HUGE growth experience. I was able to see "bad" traits such as selfishness, being judemental, not  liking s/one(this was a VERY bad trait in my house) and I was able to observe then without judging myself as bad ..I just saw them float by. I reasoned that they were just "human feelings and thoughts'.
   This was a huge step for me in being "normal". I define normal like this.  You can  accept your feelings and thoughts as they are and  you can  see life as it is.To me, those things would make me "normal"(in my eyes)
   So ,here is my question. I have a quality that  I can emotionally detach from feelings as if I am in another dimension where there ARE no feelings.IOW,I can detach to the point where I do not feel the "feeling" that I think the situation would call for. I can observe the situation like I am  looking at a bug under a microscope.
  Yesterday,I had a moment of this when the guy broke the beer bottle. Maybe ,it is nothing at all. Maybe,it is "bad". However, whatever it is, I have it.
  So, with all other "barings' of my soul-I hope that somebody out there  understands and can relate.   Thank you again for giving me a place to ask these kind of things.                      Ami
   

[changing]

Cool, Ami, cool. That detachment is very Zen- you could spend years in a monastary learning techniques for this!!! This is major spritual level stuff in all religions!!!!

I can do this when there are natural disasters or other moments pf extreme peril. I did this after my accident. I only wish that I could master detachment to the extent that you have!

Ami, you don't have to give yourself away, not value your own judgements, or like every jackal, turkey or weasel in the world to be good- you just have to be you!YOU are good. God gave you discernment and free will!!!

Love,

Changing

P.S.
What manner of person broke a beer bottle?!?!?!

XXOO
C.

[Ami]

Dear Changing,
   I need so much validation that I am "normal' . Another friend said to me,"You are fine, everyone can see it ,but you.". That meant so much to me ,as your comments did.  I have such severe self doubt.
  I was brainwashed for so long and so deeply that I was not "normal' and my M WAS that I simply have to be '"de-programmed" like people are when they get out of cults.
  Changing, thank you so much for your  wise answer. .. Honestly,it is like pure gold to me. Love You,   Ami



(((((((((((((((((((Changing)))))))))))))))))

   

[Ami]

I have to add s/thing . I SEE that my H was also trying to get me to think that I was "crazy". This is "too" big to face. I see (from what Changing said about isolating you) that he hated any friend that I would have unless it was within a social circle of his friends.
  I can see how he tried to turn Maria against me. I see how he ,always tried to turn both my sons against me.
   Now,I see why I always related to the book 'Rosemary's Baby".. Rosemary was trying to convince everyone that SHE was sane . The whole book was about her trying to run to 'safe" people and get them to see the truth. I remember the worst part was when she ran to the doctor. . She got there and she thought that she was "safe'. She was breathing so heavily from escaping . She thought that she finally could rest and  be O.K. The doctor was in the coven and he delivered her back .
  I feel very overwhelmed with seeing that my M and then my H tried to take away my trust in myself
                                                                          Ami                                                             
 

[Ami]

I see that for me to be 'normal,I have to face that my "outside "world was not normal. I got a small  picture of this last night. My parents had invited my B over for dinner for his B-day.
  My B was complaining about the meal and my parents were upset.I said to my F,' It is NOT about the dinner .This is about people getting divorced b/c one squeezed the toothpaste wrong.Mom violates him and abuses him and then expects everything to be O.K. b/c she makes a nice dinner." My F was NOT happy with what I said. They want to blame my B rather than the elephant in the living room- my NPD mother.
NOW, my M is trying to cozy up to my older S. He and I decided that he is not going to take her calls. She wants someone to validate her. She is so "nice" to my S--so caring and kind.
 Honestly,I feel like I am in Rosemary's (Rosemary's Baby)world. I really do.                 Love   Ami


Thank God for you guys.
I,also, see how my F was part of the whole drama that EVERYONE in the family could be sacrificed so my M could look "normal". My F wants to blame my B for not liking the dinner. Lord Help Me------Is this how life is----all LIES?Everything and Everyone can be sacrificed EXCEPT the person causing the problems---the NPD.

[Hopalong]

Hi Ami,

Completely apart from who your mother is (completely agree w/you there) ... you're saying your brother was complaining about the meal that was made for him for his birthday???? This isn't quite computing. Not saying I am a reality check, but... that seems ungracious of him. It would be more "normal" to be gracious and thankful when someone cooks you a bday meal. (No matter who the someone is.)

Just in case you don't see anything odd about your B. It sounds like a great deal of entitlement to me.

I love your son's decision about her calls. When he's old enough, he can handle his relationship with his grandmother on his own, to whatever degree he wants. But to not have her calling him under your nose sounds like it'd be a relief.

Hops

[Leah]

NOW, my M is trying to cozy up to my older S. He and I decided that he is not going to take her calls. She wants someone to validate her. She is so "nice" to my S--so caring and kind.

Honestly,I feel like I am in Rosemary's (Rosemary's Baby)world. I really do.                 Love   Ami

Dear Ami,

That's exactly what NM's do, and what they do best, in my own personal experience.

Your son seems to have a lovely wise head on his shoulders 

Agree with Hops regarding your Brother.

Love, Leah

[Ami]

I am looking at the larger picture. When people get divorced ----is it b/c one squeezed the toothpaste wrong?  That was my larger point.
                                                                                                 Ami

[Ami]

What my M ( and H) tried to steal from me was the "knower' inside, the reactor,:the part of me that would say,"No more.". They wanted me to doubt myself so badly that I would discount my normal self protective mechanisms  .                Ami     


There is a guy that I listen to on the radio. His instincts are so good. He can "feel" the intent of the caller. He can hear 'under the surface verbiage" to the real issues. I love to listen to him b/c he is like an animal with all it's instincts intact.
  He does not have to be hit over the head to "get" the real point about what is going on. He trusts himself and he is usually right. I had an incident with Maria where I "felt" s/thing was happening,but I wasn't sure and didn't trust my instincts. Later,I found out that I was 100% right.
  Our instincts are so precious. They are so life enhancing.
  My former b/f(cop) ALWAYS trusted his instincts. On the few times that he might be wrong he said,'So what?Look at the 95% of the time that I am right."   

[Ami]

With the N mother and the N(ish?) H --EVERYTHING is so you don't trust yourself. It is SO big to see this.

[Ami]

A crude example came to me. Oprah Winfrey was molested by a guy who would buy her an ice cream cone. Should she have thanked him for the ice cream cone? [ My B and dinner]                     Ami

[wiltay]

Ami, I think Rosemary's Baby is such a good analogy for how a skilled N tries to bend, manipulate and shape the reality of everyone around them for their own ends.  They  'absorb' the people around them by convincing them they hold all the keys and that they must always look to the N to define reality and then to be the tools to carry out the Ns agenda.  (The N in the movie is Satan, of course, and everyone else his sycophants).   Families, or any situation dominated by an N are the same way, IMO.  Of course I don't think all Ns are the devil (although it has crossed my mind!).  The end goal for the N (and Satan) is omniscient power. 

Bill

[Ami]

This thread really set me free. I  feel so much better. Thank you so much for your comments.  Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

Hey Ami,
Sorry if I missed something. Was your brother also abused by your mother?
Did he WANT to go have dinner with them?
Is he still involved...was he upset...

I think I don't have a clear picture about him.

hugs
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Hops,
 He was more abused than I was. I could give a whole list ,but let me say that it was severe cerebral N abuse.
  My family is living a lie that my M is normal. That accounts for how I feel so "abnormal"  b/c  the standard for normality is her
  Anyway, I guess that you got caught  up in a minor  point  when I was making a life changing point----Oh well-   the problem with cyberspace.                            Ami