Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Please help; hanging on by a thread
Anonymous:
Let me put it into a few nutshells:
(1) Between your H and his family there are no boundaries. He would like to have boundaries, but he doesn't yet have them. It takes months or years of practice to develop the boundaries required here. You can muse about who crossed the boundary first during your holiday, but the bottom line is that there are no boundaries.
(2) Your husband is massively ambivalent about whether he wants to cut off these people. Sometimes he definitely wants to. Other times he wants to return to them. It would be unrealistic not to see his ambivalence here.
(3) Taking what people say and do at face value is going to slow down progress in repairing the marriage. Your husband will say a lot of things that are contradictory or else what you want to hear. Then you'll be "shocked" when he does the opposite of what he said. If you realize that he is regressed a lot of the time, his words are just a mask of adult competency. You might be observant of when he or you are regressing into a child-like state. And you want to see things metaphorically rather than literally. For instance, the BIL is a millionaire but expects H to pay bills. This is symbolic of the BIL's feeling of emotional impoverishment, regression, helplessness, no boundaries, and a bunch of other things. When you understand the symbols, things won't seem so confusing.
(4) The reason your H can't help you when you're upset is that he regresses instantly and feels helpless, angry, resentful, and frightened (traumatized). It's not that he doesn't care. He just goes into survival mode. He is actually creating a boundary the only way he can! This is bad for a marriage, and the therapist must work on this. But it's not all about him. This is also in my marriage and we've been working on it for *years*. It's not an overnight fix.
(5) If you love your H, things can get better if you'll invest in the therapy time and expense. And you need a competent therapist, one who doesn't advise cutting off a family cold turkey. Because that is an easy suggestion that you could get from anyone on the street. I'm assuming the therapist made an error, they can make mistakes like anyone else.
bunny
el123:
New day, new emotions. I feel that I need to clarify myself. Yesterday I was completely distraught, jet lagged and still in the emotions of the fight from the night before. Today I feel more clear headed and realized that I may have misrepresented my situation somewhat. I have to say that when MIL and BIL did most of the damage (when 1st child was born, yelling, stuff that I wrote of in the initial post) was about 10 years ago. Especially when my H worked for his mom (He was attending school at the time as well). He now does not work for his mother. He has not worked for her for over 6 years. He has a good job/ salary, etc. He's a computer architect (I'm sorry but I forgot who asked this). But at that time he was financially dependent somewhat on his mother as she was also his boss. Also, my MIL used to not like me so much but eventually began to like me and then, the past couple of years, I was what she considered her "best friend". Also, my H and his family are of Asian origin and family dynamics are culturally different and play a role in this dynamic I believe.
Ok, now to a few months ago. My BIL somehow convinced my H that he did not have enough to pay their M what he owed. He told my H that his money was all tied up and that he needed help (big lie but he's a master manipulator). He told my H that if my H didn't help him out by paying the bills that their M would have no food, etc. Basically guilted my H into it. Yes, my H should have seen the lie and yes, probably his dysfunction prevented him. Anyways, my H told his B that he did not want to pay and apparently they got into a huge fight over it but my H reluctantly DID pay. He kept the info from me. When I found out about it, I freaked out and my H got into a big blow out with his B telling him that he never wanted to speak to him again and he would not give another cent towards it. After this incident, my H decided there was a big problem (lightbulb went off in his head). This situation in a way was a blessing in disguise as it made my H see how dysfunctional his family really was. Before this he wasn't quite as clear about it. He put himself in therapy, didn't talk to his family for almost two months and made dramatic improvements. HE decided, ON HIS OWN, to cut his family off cold turkey. The therapist said that he thought it was the correct path for him. The therapist did not order him to do it. I cannot stress this point enough, my H, through his own free will, decided to cut out his family cold turkey.
What happened while I way away in France last week was the first time he had spoken to his B or M in almost 2 months. That was big for my H. He ADMITS that he shouldn't have done it and does not want to speak to them. He is not unlike a lot of others on this board who are having a tough time cutting off the N's in their lives.
He has improved SIGNIFICANTLY with the enmeshment within his family of origin. He never, ever lets them say anything remotely negative about me or the kids. A long time ago, he would not have done this. He has improved a lot.
How is he different from others on this board who are trying to cut out unhealthy N's from their lives? His boundaries have improved significantly with his B and M. BTW, he may post here. He really recognizes that he has problems and is actively working on them.
Learning, write, and bunny, thank you so much for your kind and thought provoking input. I think that I will control the checkbook from now on. Great idea. And yes, bunny I recognize the dysfunction that he has when he regresses when I'm upset. He recognizes this as well. This is one of the things he is presently working on in therapy. I know it will take a long time and may even be impossible. But I feel that I need to give it everything I've got. Maybe I'm naive, stupid, completely a fool. I don't know. But again I feel the need to ask how he is unlike many on this board who have trouble cutting out N's from their lives? I would write more but I need to run for now. -E
el123:
Forgot to add that our therapist did encourage H to cut his family out cold turkey and that he doesn't usually advise this but it was after H himself decided to do this. He was not swayed to do this. -E
Anonymous:
E,
Okay. Your husband wants to cut them off but he had a slip . So it may be a simple matter of forgiveness and finding better strategies to prevent any further entry into your home by phone, email or letter. If you can think of other practical measures to guard your home and assets, good idea.
bunny
el123:
bunny, so glad that you wrote this. For you to say this means a lot as I feel as though we've gone around in circles with my confusing postings and I apologize for that. I know that my H is trying and improving significantly. I freak when I think that things may go back to where they were. I also have major trust issues so any type of dishonesty on H's part makes me crazy. Ironically, because of my reaction, it's harder for him to be honest about certain things. Take care, -E
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