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Please help; hanging on by a thread

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Nic:
Hi el,
No i'm not saying that your situation is hopeless, absolutely not!  We obviously don't have the same twists and turns..as this moves along though anything could happen because it is a "core" event.  It touches the center of both your lives and the pressure of breaking free from such relationships can become literally unbearable.  A situation such as yours and mine will bring you to the very core of who you both are.  It's a toughy and I wish both of you the strength and fortitude to deal with all the aspects.  Above all, it is a situation requiring tons of patience.
I'm happy that your inlaws though of you as their best friend etc., my ex wife was quite admired also until it was thought that everything could be blamed on her..she was the stranger.
I can't describe to you how terrible misguided loyalty feels.  My Nparents had expectations of me that went far beyond the reasonable..it is something that one feels because it almost never is verbally expressed.
Again, Bunny is correct in encouraging you to be intensely counselled during this period.  Dealing with someone else's mental illness is very difficult..your N in-laws have no clue that what they are doing is morally illegal!
Stick to the truth, as best as you can conceive and understand it.
Yes it is difficult to cut off your family.  I've seen many therapists prescribe this very medicine to their patients with varying results, most of them very positive.  You have one life to live and It's YOurs!
The circumstances you are in and I am in are very unusual! What you are living is NOT normal, very few people beyond your therapist and a few close friends can understand what is going on let alone conceive of it.  It's important to get out of it in a healthy way, even if you could lose your home etc.
Very few Ns realize that their actions will inevitably come back to haunt them.  they are to be pitied in that sense.  In the meantime though, I would suggest you do everything you can to save yourselves even if it hurts.  It will be better ultimately..
sorry if i somehow implied that things were hopeless, it wasn't my intention.
Nic :)

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: el123 ---Something that I did not mention before was when H's brother called, and told my H to call his mother my H did call her.  But when he spoke to her he told her in no uncertain terms that he wanted space from her and from his brother.  It wasn't just a social call to shoot the s**t.  He used it as an opportunity to set some type of boundaries with her which she and BIL cannot seem to respect.
--- End quote ---


If he called her to set boundaries, that is still not going cold turkey.  In fact, he crossed his own boundary right there. It's more like a relationship addict finding "reasons" to call their partner, even to scream at them or argue just to hear their voice.

I urge you to call your therapist tomorrow because you could use some grounding and support.

bunny

el123:
Nic,  I guess what I was asking when I asked if things were hopeless is can a situation like mine ever 'work'?  Can we ever have a healthy enough relationship to continue it or is divorce usually the ultimate end?  I just want things to work out so badly.  It's so hard when some of my own needs go unmet, though.  but regardless, I still want to be married to him.  I love him and my kids do as well.  I'll do whatever it takes to try at least.  My therapist thinks that we can work things through.  But what do you think?  I really value your opinion since you have been through this.

bunny,
--- Quote ---If he called her to set boundaries, that is still not going cold turkey. In fact, he crossed his own boundary right there. It's more like a relationship addict finding "reasons" to call their partner, even to scream at them or argue just to hear their voice.
--- End quote ---


I know he still didn't go 'cold turkey' but I think that it was more the other way around here.  It was the N's in his life that found a reason to call him in order to hear his voice.  My H didn't even call his mother on mother's day so he's not finding excuses to call them.  They are the ones unable to accept his boundaries.  He merely took the bait.  I spoke to him last night about this and he said that he gave in and answered the phone when his brother called because his N brother kept calling him (without him answering) so he thought that it might be an 'emergency' (I know, I know).  This one particular time he said that he just grabbed the phone without even thinking of it.  I know that he still should not have answered it but I do have to say that he truly doesn't want contact with his N family right now.  It's his N brother and N mother that are having the difficulty respecting his boundaries.  I know that it still is not ideal.  I don't need to be convinced of that.  And I'll see what I can do with my therapist.  -E

Learning:
Hi El,

I am so, so sorry this is happening to you.  I am glad that you and your husband our in therapy and that you are voicing your issues here at this forum.  There are many people here that are so knowledgable and supportive.

Your desire to stay with your husband makes sense to me.  I would also try every avenue possible to make it work for the children.  As a mother, I am always considering their welfare.  One thing I have learned about myself and my relationship with them is that if I am distraught, I am unable to fully meet their emotional needs.  I have recently stopped speaking with my parents because I see how they affect me and how that detracts from my ability to be the mother I want to be.  I wonder if the emotional drama you are experiencing with your H is creating a similar situation for you?  Please forgive me if I am overstepping my bounds here.

Another thought I have had regarding your children is the financial welfare of the family.  Mighty Mouse has mentioned taking the checkbook away from your husband, and I think that sounds like a good idea.  He has not been responsible with your (yours and his) money.  You need a home to take care of your children.  It is also in the family's best interest to keep your credit rating positive.  It is not fair to you or your children that he is taking risks with these things.  Since he seems unable to keep his boundaries with his M and B (at this time), maybe you should control all the finances.

El-these are just ideas.  I am not in your situation.  I really hope this all works out for you.

Bless You,

write:
what I was asking when I asked if things were hopeless is can a situation like mine ever 'work'? Can we ever have a healthy enough relationship to continue it or is divorce usually the ultimate end? I just want things to work out so badly. It's so hard when some of my own needs go unmet, though. but regardless, I still want to be married to him. I love him and my kids do as well. I'll do whatever it takes to try at least. My therapist thinks that we can work things through.

can your situation work?
- well it's not working now is it, so something needs to change.
I'm not getting divorced, but neither am I going to live with h.

Why not mentally separate yourself from your marriage and your children, to you the person you are without these considerations? Can you still do that? What do you think then?

I despair when I hear therapists proscribing outcomes ( assuming this is what they said, not what you heard )
A therapist can't possibly know whether you can 'work things through' or what is the best outcome, only facilitate your working that out for yourself.

( by the way I've noticed that there are a number of dodgy counsellors here in the US where religion features in the therapy and there's pressure to preserve the 'sanctity of marriage' or a definition of 'the family' )

I would NEVER put myself in couple counselling with anyone who hadn't already done personal therapy on their own issues; joint therapy can put a lot of pressure on the partner of someone who's really screwed up.

If you have a chaotic unreliable partner/ extended family that's 'crazy-making' enough, without it extending into therapy.

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