going in circles, chasing my tale like a dog

[Hopalong]

I know, Lupita.

I know that weight.

But I'm here, and more of us...sending you lots of love.

I give thanks that your voice has been here to teach and enrich my life.

Thank you!

with love,
Hops

[Lupita]

Hopalong you are a very compassionate person. Thank you.

[Ami]

[q_{uote author=Lupita link=topic=6168.msg99767#msg99767 date=1195687316]
It seemed that everybody was going wonderful for a few weeks after my sister in low left. Even bad sexy dancing boy was an exciting adventure. Suddenly Dr. U came in to my life and everything started going down. He left and the problems at work did not leave with him, problems that I did not have last year. That put me down and I have not been able to recover. I need to move one. I really need to move on and stop dwelling in the past. At least I know that. Just cannot do it yet.}


Dear Lupita,
 My point ,on another thread, that the outside will not heal the inside is made by you (above). When we get an outside "high", it is a painkiller( for the moment). However, if we do not have inside resources to hold us up, then we become addicted to it.
                                                     Love   ami

[Lupita]

Dear Ami, at the begining you spoke arabig to me. Now you start to make sense.

But if we have the EDD we will not recover unless somebody loves us. UNCONDITIONALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is not going to heppen because the only unconditional love comes from a parent and that is gone, zepo, nada, does not exist.

So, it is like we are empty.

OK let us go with the "BS" of love your self. I still I do not know how to love my slef.

Bubble baths? I prefer the jaccuzzi. I do salsa dancing, I love that, but I feel rejected even at salsa dancing.

I feel rejected because Lighter has not responded to my post in where I am telling her about my cousin. I know, I know, she has kids, she might be busy, but she was posting after that. She chosed not to post here.
This is not the first time she does not uknowledge my post. Even if she says I do not want to talk about it, butnot ignore the question.

Lighter, you are great, you are a womnderful person. The fact that I feel rejected is not your fault. It is my problem.

do you see Ami?

I feel bad even if the sun comes out or if it is cloudy. I was guilty of everything in my mother's head. I am still.

I was deprived from love.

OK, I am going walking with a group this morning. I have to be thankful that there is that group and that I have the health to o walking.

Still i feel disgusted. My reasoning tells me that I am lucky. My heart has a ton of concrete on it and is asfixiating.

In insuline resistant patients there is insuline but the cells do not have the receptors to make the insuline enter. Still the patient is diabetic despite having the insuline.

[Ami]

I UNDERSTAND. Lupita, you are starting where you are.You are admitting where you are. That is good. You never "lied" about being in a better place just so you would "sound" good. You were always honest.
  I can just speak for myself. God sends me people to help me. He sends me people to love me.
  I have supernatural experiences where I know things that will happen.
  I really should have no fear ,but I do. I have a deep fear from my "unsafe" childhood.
  Lupita,I think that we can heal if we face the truth .Look at Gabben's threads. She and I see healing in the same way. Then,God sends us people to love us and who we can love. He sent me s/one really special recently and I feel that love  inside me.
 I really don't think that God would allow us to be "doomed" b/c we had bad parents.
  There is a TV show that I watch on the computer." It's Supernatural "with Sid Roth. There are so many stories of people with our types of FOO. You can see how beautiful and healed they are.
  That is how I see it.I WISH that I were totally healed,now. However,I feel more of a "core" and a self acceptance. I know that my healing is in "strengthening my core until I am at peace with myself. Then, the world will "work" for me.
                   Love   Ami

((((((((((((Lupita)))))))))))
PS--if you watch the show--tell me what you think

[lighter]

Hey, Lupita.....

I didn't see the cousin post yet.  Sometimes I click on the last page and miss a post on the page before... wasn't intentional.

I always try to respond to your posts every time I'm on the board.  I thought it was a bit odd that you didn't respond, by the time I checked but you never know what's going on in someone's life so..... I just keep checking back and looking forward to reading your posts: )

I just popped in one last time to check the board before taking off out of town and so glad I did.....

::going to read Lupita's cousin post::


OK... so sorry you lost your cousin..... so heartbreaking even when it's not a lingering regrettable departure.  ((Lupita))

I will start a thread about my father's brain surgery and my B's cancer when I return.  It was so good to just ramble about it.... so much frustration and anger left from the unfairness of so many things.  Not just the fact that they were/are ill. 

So many things surrounding the circumstances were unbeleivably unfair..... and I hate feeling oppressed and treated outragously.

I erased it bc it was LOOOOONG and I didn't think your thread was the proper place to do it, also..... I would have liked to have re read and written it out one or two more times.... so it made more sense I was clearer on how I feel about it now.  That's the best reason to write. 

I learned a lot from those days.... I also recovered quickly and embraced the world.  I got busy and filled my life.  I worked hard, sleeping on the floor of renovation jobs for an hour then getting up and working another 10.

I have lots to tell you about those days.  Looking forward to it when I get back...((((Lupita))))

I think you'll be very interested in it, now that I think about it. 

Happy Thanksgiving: )

[Lupita]

Well well well, Lighter you are not mind reader, I thought you would read my mind. You did not.

I did not want you to say that you were sorry about my cousin.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted you to say that you were sorry that my mother said she wanted me dead. And I do not think she wants me dead, but she said it. That was the issue.

Of course I was sorry for my cousin, and thank you for that, but here the point was the deprivation of love. Lack of affirmation. To the point that my mother told me she wanted me dead.

I was thinking how many times was she thinking if I was dead how much consolation she would recieve and how much love she would recieve, and how many times she fintaziced on that in my funeral with teardrops on her face and everybody hugging her.

And I was thinking that if my son dies before me I would go with him. I would not be able to stand it.

[changing]

((((Lupita))))-

I am sorry about your cousin. It is tragic that when you were so vulnerable, your M used the opportunity to show tenderness to instead inflict pain.

I hope that you have a restful Thanksgiving, and find comfort with your true friends and loved ones, and your own special joys.


Love and Best Wishes,

Changing

[Hopalong]

Lup,
I can imagine how utterly desolate you must feel when you think of your own mother indicating she wished you were dead.

She really departed from the "mother" column a long time ago, didn't she?

I wish you could find a women's support group. And tell them everything you tell us here.
About feeling rejected, lonely, unloved. All that pain.

In 3-D. With a compassionate group leader.

I really wish that for you. It changed my life.

love
Hops

[Lupita]

Thank you Hopalong. You are very compassionate persone.

Today Friday i feel well, not bad not euphoric, just peaceful, I love that, when I just feel peaceful because that gives me rest.

I went to the custodios house yesterday, I had other invitations but I was having such a great time there that i did not want to leave and stayed there all day.

We told jokes, of all kinds, I laught, salsa music as a back ground, latin people yell, they do not talk like the european or american, they yell, including me, I love it. So, even if we are talking of regular rutinely things we are yelling, and I love it.

One of the custodios is cuban and was 22 years in jail in Cuba because of Fidel Castro. He is very thnakful that he is in USA now but the resentment about all his youth taken up in jail because of that bad man, does not go away. He showed us the scares on his abdomen and back of the tortures he suffered. He was only 17 yo. Now he is 57. The government here offered him disability and he did not take it. He is working hard at my school and he still laugh and tell jokes.

Wow, I was ashamed of my self. But I recovered pretty fast because he was making jokes.

We are lucky to be here. I forgot about that.

I feel so fullfilled for all what I had yesterday that I have peace today. But since my soil is so dry, all rain is absorbed too quickly and soon need more and more and more rain.

So, this will last I guess till my first day of work when I have to see Ms. Vz and SociialScience teacher, and librarian, etc.

Today I thought that life is beautiful.

[Lupita]

I think that joy and peace is a sample of gratitud. So that will be my thanks giving late today from yesterday.

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
  I am BLOWN   AWAY that you are so happy. You have a true joy ( not a bad boy high).My heart is singing to see you happy.It really is.
 I think that part of it is that you really,really are facing deep pain that you would not face, before.I could be wrong.I think that you are beginning to face the truth of your M ( and yourself) You seemed to take a step forward when Observer showed up.
  I hear more authenticity in your posts and more humor. I think that you broke through some of your "numbness"
  What do you think?                              Love to You,           Ami

((((((((((Lupita)))))))))))))
 

[Lupita]

Observer was of great help.

Observer do not go away.

I hurt less today than yesterday.

In fact, right now, I am not hurting at all.  Right this minute I am just peaceful.

I am fine.

I do not need my "mother" holding my hand, or a husband or anybody. I feel fine.

Today is a nice day. I am not afraid.

[lighter]

I'm so glad you're feeling better, Lupita.

Have you noticed......  really bad feelings.... they come and go?

About your mother.... I'm not just sorry she told you she wished you dead, when your cousin passed.

That's just a symptom, though I'm sure it was devastating to hear it from a parent, no matter what age you are.

What I'm sorry about is that your mother is broken and unable to parent you, unable to be a decent person and unable to be appropriate around you at all.

It wasn't one statement to feel sorry about..... it's that she's been hurtful and innapropriate your entire life that I find wounding. 

I wish she could have done better. 

She can't.

She won't ever be able to give that to you. 

She was all that before your cousin died.

Your mother will be hurtful and inadequate, towards you, until she goes to meet her maker. 

I'm sorry she hurt you when you were learning to ride your bike, I'm sorry she hurts you every time she makes you feel guilty and at fault, I'm sorry she's made you feel unworthy of love and I'm especially sorry she's so broken she'd say she wished you dead, under any circumstances.

I honestly don't believe she knows what she does and I think her world is small and scary and she's running from demons of her own..... bc why else on God's earth would a parent say and do such things to their own child?  It makes no sense, Lup and you're intelligent and sensitive so it's that much harder to make peace with.  We want it to make sense..... even when there's no hope that will happen. 

She can't do any better..... she would if she could.  She can't.

It's not you..... you're well enough to figure this out.  She's just not and for that I'm sorry too.  For her and for you. 

In the meantime....... I'm glad you're experiencing some serenity and hope this post doesn't upset you.

I think sharing that wonderful social gathering was a balm for your soul.  That's how we get over the terrible things..... we find better things and fill ourselves with them..... so there's less room for the bad.

[Leah]

An excellent book revealing the importance of unconditional love and affirmation in one's life. Baars & Terruwe describe the discovery and symptoms of Emotional Deprivation Disorder -- a syndrome which results from a lack of unconditional love and emotional strengthening in one's life.

EDD manifests itself with symptoms such as feelings of loneliness, insecurity, insignificance, and worthlessness. Unaffirmed persons generally feel unwanted, unloved, inferior, depressed, afraid of the world, oversensitive, unlovable, and unable to make friends and relate to others.

This results in an emotional prison which is only able to be opened from the outside --

by another person giving unselfish, unconditional, authentic love.

To be healed, the individual must feel worthwhile to another person, loved, and understood.

Truly an important book for our time -- a time when so many are deprived of the emotional affirmation and love that they need.

http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Unaffirmed-Recognizing-Emotional-Deprivation/dp/0818909188/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1195678941&sr=8-1


((((((( Lupita ))))))))

Have to say, can't get over this whole Emotional Deprivation Disorder concept - it is truly amazing.

Just read all of the above posting : the synopsis, on the amazon site --- and more besides - from the book review blog.

Astounding.

Reality is, affirmation and acceptance, unconditionally, can make a life saving difference!

Wonderful stuff.

Love, Leah