How Do You Love Yourself When You Think N Feelings and Thoughts?

[Ami]

I am sorry if I ask the same question----over and over. I know that  I keep getting stuck here.
I feel so guilty and horrible when N responses come in to my mind. I feel like I should go in to a corner and hide b/c I am so terrible.
I know that this sounds crazy,but I am so indoctrinated with shame for any "bad'" emotion.
  I 'know" the answer(in my head) as I write this.I know that it looks "ridiculous' and that it is,in a way. However,I really feel it.
  How do you love yourself when you have the same feelings and thoughts that a horrible N does?
  I think of my M and she is so vile and so damaging.  My actions (mostly)  are O.K.If I think a "bad" thought,I don't act on it(95% of the time). However,it tears me up inside JUST to have it.
  I feel like I am being a hypocrite by acting like I am a "good" person when I have thoughts that are otherwise.
  Sorry for the "denseness" of this post,but I just want to hear your reasoning. You helped me so much with the "detachment" thing that I am so much better. I thought that I would put this out there,in the same way.  Thanks  so much            Ami

[changing]

Ami-

Jesus saw people doing hurtful things and let them have it, big time!!! He also recognized good and evil, was tempted, etc- he was not bad for using his intelligence and insight, and neither are you. You do not have to hurt yourself to be good - get rid of that Pig Parent voice in your head that says that you are bad if you see that the Emperor has no clothes- do it as a Thanksgiving present to yourself. Speak to yourself as you would your sons- you are precious and deserve to be a wise as a serpent!

Have fun and be happy my friend! Life is short!!!!

Love and have a great holiday,

Changing

[Gabben]

My actions (mostly)  are O.K.If I think a "bad" thought,I don't act on it(95% of the time). However,it tears me up inside JUST to have it.
  I feel like I am being a hypocrite by acting like I am a "good" person when I have thoughts that are otherwise.
 

Hi Ami,

What is highlighted above is what is all that matters - What we actually do, or our actions are actions are what count the most. The very fact that you do not act on your inner N thoughts is significant.

I too feel that way but I'm not sure if this following example is along the lines of what you are talking about but I will convey it anyway. I was having dinner with a family tonight, the woman, who normally adores me seemed a little cold and distant from me tonight. My first thought was it was about me but of course I did not act on it. Later in the evening she confided in me that she is suffering from some distressing medical news about her health and it is weighing on her mind heavily. What I picked up on, her distance from me, was not about me at all. Of course I intuitively knew this. I feel like I take in so much more than others do because of my past constant need to affirm my NM and look out for her potential abuse. I'm ultra sensitive to the feelings and goings on with others. But I will not act on it instead I act as if.

I don't know if this helps or not.

I love you just the way you are!

Lise ((((((((AMI))))))))

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
   I know that this thread sounds silly,but I need to put it out in the light b/c it is "killing' me in the darkness. My "bad" thoughts  are any selfishness, pettiness, jealousy, self centeredness(maybe that was your example) etc.
  Just anything from the N level that I just realized that we all have --the other day---bleh.
  Recovering from N brainwashing------very painstaking,Lise.
  Thanks so much for your response         Love   Ami

((((((((((Lise)))))))))))))

[Gabben]

selfishness, pettiness, jealousy, self centeredness.

Perhaps this will help. These are the thoughts of your little inner girl. You are not these thoughts. As  child we are naturally "selfishness, pettiness, jealousy, self centered." Of course... we are children. Those thoughts are not coming from you they are your little girl inside who never got to feel and be that way without a mom to shame her or judge her.

Let you little in child be selfishness, pettiness, jealousy, self centeredness. She is adorable to me - I can see.

Lise

[Hopalong]

Ami,
I understand. You feel there is so much cruelty to compensate for, if you are responsible for your mother's character.
Hon, she came first. She and her character were well formed by the time she had you. You were just fighting your way out into the earth's air from the spiritual universe.

When you have these thoughts, don't judge them morally (good-bad) so quickly. Try using beautiful-ugly. When you have ugly feelings, thoughts, or impulses, I think you just need to breathe in and out, quietly saying this word to yourself until they (and your shame about them) pass: mercy

This is what you can give yourself, and it spares you the fight. Nothing to struggle with, when there is mercy.

with love
Hops

[Ami]

Hops,
  What do you mean--so much cruelty to compensate for? I hear you and I know what you are saying is important but I can't grasp it emotionally..I was hoping that you would answer this b/c I was set free on that detachment issue just by talking about it. Thanks so much  ,Hops                                                           Ami


PS  I am having so much angst over this question b/c I "know' that it is silly. There is a piece of me that is out of "whack" and that is why I can't see the obvious answer to this question.The answer is that we all have an N layer b/c we all went through an N stage,I think. However,I shut down when I have any" N "emotions or feelings. That is it-----I become numb if I have any N emotions or feelings. I just can't let them go by and say that they are "human'. That is the problem.I think that I become "paralyzed" when they come up. I feel like I was hit over the head.Then,I start thinking that I am a horrible person.
 I really do need to let it go. It is a 'glitch' ' in my thinking---Whew
  Any help would be appreciated.

[seasons]

What I picked up on, her distance from me, was not about me at all. Of course I intuitively knew this. I feel like I take in so much more than others do because of my past constant need to affirm my NM and look out for her potential abuse. I'm ultra sensitive to the feelings and goings on with others. But I will not act on it instead I act as if.

Lise,

This really hit home. Thank you, I know I am not alone with this pattern. I am OVERLY sensitive too. Wonder why? Seeing it really helps. Changes that I need to make in myself.

love and peace to you (seasons)

[Hopalong]

Hi Ami,
What I meant is that, without boundaries protecting your sense of self, you feel enmeshed with who your mother is. And you know she is cruel and crazy.

So anytime you detect ugly feelings in yourself, it's not just "here's a human being haveing an ugly human feeling...it'll pass, I'll not be acting on that, feels awful but it'll pass...look for a positive distraction or action, now move on..." (how I think it usually goes). You feel instead: DOUBLE ugliness.

Because unconsciously you feel you are your mother, so your negative feelings are multiplied (in your mind) by hers when you have them.

You feel responsible for her because you feel you ARE her. You are still not separated from her yet.

That's all conjecture and maybe compostable. But that's the logic I was using.

(Course, neither I nor anybody else thinks you should carry double-weight for her. But maybe you do?)

love
Hops

[Ami]

WOW----- Sigmund Hops AND Kahil Hops.
 That thought makes sense. It IS some really deep twisted thinking for sure...   Thanks Hops --so very much     Ami

[seasons]

Ami,

Very helpful thread. Sad though that the pain of our friends help us see our own. You have recieved great insight and has helped me also, thank you.

wishing you a light as the layers are peeled back. slowly, carefully and safely. with much love seasons

[Ami]

So, Hops, you are saying that I should watch the N thoughts and feelings just go. They are human b/c we ALL have an N layer by virtue of being human. Would that summarize it?
  So,I almost could do a meditation on them by just seeing them float off like the wind.
  I am slowly feeling some clarity in this.
  This is the deep level for me where I abandoned myself.(I think)
 I remember the moment that I chose to abandon  myself and embrace my M's reality. My feelings and thoughts that I HAD let just float by(before),I started attributing"badness" to them.
   Thanks for all your help.It is very life enhancing to me.         Love   Ami
 ((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

EggggZACTLY.

That doesn't summarize it, it takes it out of the park!

love,
Hops

[Ami]

Thank you Changing, Lise, Hops , Seasons,
   I  appreciate all your wise responses. Thanks so much    Love  Ami

(((((((((((Changing,Lise, Hops, Seasons))))))))))))))

[betr4]

I'm pretty sure that questioning behavior and reflecting on behavior are not n traits.
A person who is a n would not ask those questions or have those thoughts you are talking about.
And I do know that like my own the thinking gets very distorted trying to make sanity out of insanity.
I think questions are good and hold us accountable for our behavior and growth.
That seems to me reason to see yourself in a positive light of wanting to have a healthy perspective by asking for others' perspectives.  Otherwise would you really care?   IMO. Thanks BR