sitting here thinking

[alone48]

I've been thinking alot of the past few days, struggling to keep the NC with N. I very much want to call, write, anything, but know that it's not of any useful purpose. That's why I'm writing here rather than making that call or whatever. It would only add to his arsenal of weapons against me and make me feel smaller than I do, why do I have this need???? It's been seven weeks, I have had no contact since he called my ex-boss and defamed me. I must be crazy to even want that contact.

Just another of my rants

[isittoolate]

Hi alone

It will be a while that the thoughts are there but put NC first.

Sometimes it seems the thoughts are obsessive, but the longer the NC the sooner the thoughts of the N begin to fade until..........well maybe you will be where I am. He might pop into my mind and I just think 'Loser'.  Ha!.... and go on with what I'm doing then he is gone again.

To reach this stage took abour 2½ years, then he was relegated to "some fool to talk about now and then" on here when people are having what  I went through.

Love
Izzy

EDIT] My then therapist estimated 2 years.

[Ami]

Dear Alone,
  It is very tempting to "romance" the substance that we want--person or thing.IOW, if you are romancing a chocolate cake, you can be sure that you will eventually  go  and  get it.
 I hear you "romancing" him. That is dangerous ,if you  truly don't want to call him.
 I am sorry ,Alone. I really am.
  I am sure that you are thinking about the warm times. I went back to my M many times until the one last time that I simply had had enough. Also, I had come out of enough denial to really see her for who she was. Then, there was no more" romancing."
  Keep writing, Alone                     Love   Ami

((((((((((((((((((Alone)))))))))))))))0

[alone48]

I do know that it' obsessing and my head I know that if I were to call, he would be cruel and enjoy the one upmanship. Ami I agree I will try to think of him as a piece of chocolate cake, that I don't need.

[Ami]

Dear Alone,
  I just watched "News Bloopers on U tube. They will make you forget about him and laugh until you can't stand it anymore.
  Tell me if you do it.                 Love    Ami

((((((((((((Alone)))))))))))))))).

[betr4]

I was just having some of the same thoughts so thanks for sharing yours.
I think I asked what is the emotional attachment all about.  It just seems to me I could move on and let go and I do.  For a while.  I don't know what it is I am doing.  Sometimes I am okay and for sure I am better than I used to be.  However, I can slip back into some of the old thinking and reacting.  I have different ways to get past it.  And I don't know if those or working or not.  I just know I have to keep living and trying to get better, or over or whatever it's called.  I used to have such a hard time "believing" this could be happening.  I'm over that.  I know it is and did happen.  Now what am I going to do from this point forward is my question.  Sometimes it seems like one day is never ending and others go by in a snap.  My perspective I guess is what I have to keep working on.
Thanks, BR

[Gabben]

Hi alone,

I think that N's are too low to be associated with the thought of something so good as chocolate cake. But I get what you and Ami are saying.

Lise

[alone48]

Maybe that's why I'm not very good at letting go, I'm not very good at dieting either

[lighter]

Maybe that's why I'm not very good at letting go, I'm not very good at dieting either

I think 'dieting' is a very loaded word.

It means witholding and denying...... it means you look elsewhere for comfort too.

Food was our first comfort in the world.  Sometimes it was our only comfort.

How can you expect yourself to give up what may be one of your primary ways of coping, in the middle of crisis?

I don't think that's fair or realistic to have that expectation.

For me...... eating properly is a natural side affect of being busy and happy in my life.  I don't require food as comfort, when everything is going well. 

I have to make myself eat when I'm really really busy, for instance.

I can eat like 6 men when I'm terribly stressed, in contrast.

It's not about forcing myself to forego comfort..... it's about finding other coping mechanisms to take it's place.

Feeling better means I don't require for emotional reasons, IME.

Buying good foods, enjoying a salad with chicken and nuts and fruit..... a beautiful balsamic dressing, that's a good thing.

I know I'm not going to be able to eat 'healthy' if I'm in crisis.  I make peace with that and know I'll come out of it when I get through the crisis and fill my life with busy happy things.  It's nothing I can force.  I forgive myself for eating for comfort and don't beat myself up about it.... but I'm always aware of what I'm doing and why..... aware that I will move out of it if I can get myself in a healthier emotional space.


I know how to eat healthy.  I bet you do too.  That's not the problem.... it's WHY we eat that's the problem, IMO.  KWIM?