Isabella,
It appears that you and I have very similar backgrounds, although with different names and faces involved. My heart breaks for you, as I too, have walked in similar shoes. You have been through so much that a child never should have had to endure. I am sorry that you had such callous, evil, manipulative, controllers who called themselves "parents" raise you.
I'd like to share with you the similar things that I've been through, but I do not want you to feel that I am minimizing your situation in any way, shape or form, nor am I wanting to turn things back on to "me." I want you to know that i understand a lot of what you have shared with us because I actually lived it.
Isabella,
I'm the oldest daughter of 3 as well. My mother was married twice...the first time to a man who refused to work because he was busy trying to become the next Elvis (grandiose). The second was OCD, OCPD and eventually paranoid/schizophrenic. My mother divorced when I was 3, but dad had visiting rights in which he possibly molested me and/or brother. Remarried when I was 7 and I determined that this man was NOT going to replace my "dream daddy." (first dad who spoiled me rotten to make up for the divorce).
I was abused from the time I was about 10 by my step-dad. my nose was finally broken when he flung me into the wall after I tried to defend myself from his fists. i went to live with my grandma at age 16.
I could reallllllllllllly relate to the whole "white glove" thing, as my step father used white gloves and white lint-free rags to test our dusting of the windowsills (where the sun shone in and always would remain dusty). I spent my childhood literally having to SNEAK food and sneak out of the house to play when my step-dad was not around.
I had a grandfather and step-father standing over me when I'd do dishes, saying "oh quit complaining. you waste more time complaining than if you just did them." of course, once again, like in your situation, WE hAD A DISHWASHER THAT I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO USE!
Along with these chores, my brother and I had to pick up step-father's cigarette butts and chestnuts that stained our skin and we could not miss 1 of them or we had to go back out and do it over again. same with raking leaves, sweeping driveway, etc. i learned to HATE WORK WITH A PASSION! I still struggle with it today.
I was not forced to see my father after the divorces, but I was the one in the family who was a Christian and wanted to walk in love with people, so I stuck by both of them. unfortunately it was paranoid/schiz, ocd, ocpd step dad who tried to get me to LIE to my mother about him being in her neighborhood (she had an order of protection that said he was not to be in the area cause he was a threat to her and my siblings)...the last time I had with stepdad, was when he was supposed to pick up my daughters and me and take us out to eat stacks of hamburgers with him...I got angry and said "how COULD you insist that I lie to mom." he said "it's not really lying. you just don't TELL her." I told him "I will NEVER lie for you or anyone else. Goodbye!" the next time I saw him was in a casket.
She has a knack for taking ANY situation and twisting it around so you are at fault and you end up apoligizing for making HER feel bad. She has NEVER ONCE apologized for anything to anyone ever. If she does say sorry, its in the most slimey most ingenious, "i'm sorry, you feel like that...i'm sorry you forced me to do x"...puke!
here, you described my daughter that i've been telling about. ANy time she is nasty she will say "well, if you would have done what I told you to, I wouldn't HAVE to yell at you." (as though SHE is the parent and I am her child)
As a child, i was doted on pretty much, because I was the one who was mentally 'slow" and had temper tantrums and did poorly in school and socially. i was fed food, crooned to, and i soon learned how to get what i wanted from my mother and grandmother. At tHAT time, I was very very manipulative.
The words i despise even to this day are "YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF" or "I'm gonna KILL YOU!" My mother raised me with those threats and accusations. I have since learned that I will NOT say anything to my child that i am not prepared to carry out. there is a story in the bible about a guy who made a vow to kill the first thing that crossed his path if God would turn things in his favor...he ended up murdering his own daughter. words are POWERFUL. Let's not say anything we wouldn't DO.
I ran into awful stuff at my wedding too, between my controlling foster mother, mother and husband. It was quite a fiasco, so I can relate to that as well!
My mother would say 'DAMN YOU" frequently when she'd get upset at things my brother and I did. I do NOT tell my children that I wish they were never born! EVER.
Then she went on her pity-party about how all she ever did was sacrifice, take us to our piano lessons, clean up our shitty diapers...
I am guilty of replicating this behavior. My own mother played the 'after all I did for you" card with us. Unfortunately that is a hard thing to combat. As a parent, one really feels that her children "owe" her at least a semblance of respect, because INDEED, a mother does a lot for her children.
I do not do things with strings attached, although i've been accused of it by ND.
When my ND told me how she felt about past things where I screwed up, i attentively listened and considered her feelings. I did not DENY, MAKE EXCUSES FOR, BLAME when she shared with me. It was her openness that caused me to really work on me.
i have 4 daughters...first one lived a life of promiscuity that I didn't find out the extent of till recently, since I spent a lot of time dealing with psychological junk in myself with counselors, etc. 18 yr old, pregnant and you know her situation, 13 year old is doing fine but struggles socially a bit, 8 year old tries to be the joker of the family and keep everyone's attention on her.
My mother hasn't been with me for ANY type of surgeries. She lives far away in another state. she has often gone to visit my half-sister who lives not far from me, but NEVEr come here because we are poor and don't live the way she is accustomed to...she's a lawyer and my husband is too much like her 2nd husband...ocd
3 days later of not eating, not sleeping, i called my mother up and begged her to forgive me. She told me that I would be fine after the operation. Then in the car my mother said it was too bad that it took something like this for me to see how much i needed a mother - how much i needed HER! "Now you see what the natural order of things is" she told me "the only thing I must revere MORE than her is....GOD...." (wow! That's the pedestal she thinks she deserves to be on). I couldn't believe it. My husband was somewhere low on the list . So were my children. She confessed that the operation was an answer to her prayers (sick!) Then my mother told me that i brought everything upon myself with my negative thinking and from being so stressed from not having her in my life. (She really does think highly of herself, no????)
Ok, Isabella, this is just WRONG WRONG WRONG! I have not done this to my children at all, except in jest when we were all playing around saying how 'wonderful" we are to each other. As far as telling ANY of my daughters that I was glad they got sick or wounded and that they deserved it, HOW HORRID! I am the person who rushes them to the hospital with serious illnesses when their father says "oh, they'll be fine. the doctor's just gonna tell you it's _________" (he tries to diagnose people himself based on something he read or heard or saw on tv). i almost DIED when he told me "oh you'll be fine" and I turned out to be severely dehydrated with mastitis that was going into a staph infection. I'm not the one who treats my children badly, especially when they are ill or hurt. No way.
I will NOT refuse to spend time with my children unless there are abuses going on toward me when i'm with them. For instance, if I visit my daughter's future mother in law and she verbally abuses me, I will distance myself and then I will choose to possibly opt OUT of a future invitation...that is called setting boundaries and it's healthy.
I do NOT lie. My ND has lied since she could talk, and then, even when a room full of people HEAR what she just said, she will vehemently swear that we are all nuts, she never said that, she didn't mean it, or she was just joking.
Maybe now you will see that my background is similar to yours and that I understand WHY you'd be appalled at someone for thinking mean thoughts and possibly carrying them out. The thing is, those were only feelings that i did NOT express to her nor did I ACT upon them. i do my best to have peace in my household. It is her moodswings and undealt with issues that make life hard. I am already dealing with mine and have been for years.
Again, i'm so sorry you had that sort of past and/or present. I forgive you for misunderstanding my situation and maybe being triggered by it. i applaud you for standing up to me as you probaby want to do with N mother, but I again will assure you that, although i have problems which i admitted readily here, I am not your Nmother nor am I AN N mother in any way, shape or form.
Blessya, Isabella
All God's best to you,
~Laura
