Beat Up, Wrung Out, Exhausted---I Can't believe How Much I Hate Myself

[Ami]

I can't seem to write this.  I can't even look at  it myself .
It is my coming face to face with the layer inside me that is trying to kill me. I always knew that it was there,but I would never look at it-----head-on.
 I would bargain with it;if I half killed myself ,would it leave me alone? That is how I ended up with a C section. I didn't eat well enough  I was always bargaining to try to keep a little piece of  life.  I had a death wish.. Maybe,it is what the Bible calls the "Spirit of Death".It comes in when you"give up"like I did at 14.
It was  an actual presence with a "familiarity.".  As it was killing me,it was comforting me,too.
I still see people eating and I think,'How can they nourish themselves like that---so effortlessly?"
Then,I go in to 'tilt" b/c I know that my thinking is so "sick"


 
 

[Overcomer]

That layer that many people probably have but do not acknowledge.  The person who smokes four packs a day and denies they are committing slow suicide.  The person who drinks and drinks and drinks and denies that someday it will kill them.  The obese person who eats and eats and eats and has to be fork lifted out of their house....and then says, "I do not eat any more than anyone else does......."

That hate that I have for myself which swirls around my head......."I am fat and ugly......."  Put there by my mom.  "You are ugly on the inside and you are ugly on the outsie."  "Fat. Fat."  These are messages I got from my mom.  Not inferred.....stated.

Ami:  I am sure you are there.  How could you love yourself when your own mom doesn't love you?  Why nourish your body?  Let it waste away!!!

Well, I am here to tell you that you DO deserve to nourish yourself.  You are one of the most empathetic and sincere people on the board.  You are trying desperately to work through your issues and I believe you are on the fast track.  You ask the questions.  You anguish over the stuff in your life.

But you are alive!!  You are a wonderful person who is dealing with the aftermath of having a truly evil and sick N mother control your life.  You can and are breaking free from her.  You are feeling your wounds.  You are healing your wounds.  You are on the right path and we all love you here!!!

[Ami]

I LOVE YOU, KELLY!

[Overcomer]

(((((((((((((((((((((((AMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[lighter]

I think you're standing on the precipice..... and you either jump or continue doing what you've been doing.

You're at the edge and it sounds like the pain's unbearable.... it sounds like you want to escape it.   

Escape.

That's human nature..... the avoidance of pain..... becoming confused when we don't want to know the truth is too.

Time to back off the precipice and embrace old coping strategies..... staying in your room, staying quiet in your home.....

or jump and try to fly, which is new and uncomfortable too.

Jumping feels wrong, I know.... but it's still a choice.


Through the fire, Ami. 

WHen the pain of staying hurts worse than the pain of going......

Time to be a big girl, look at the big girl facts and start making big girl decisions about them.....


You have choices, that much is clear. 

(((ami)))  So sorry it has to be so hard, it just does. 

Hint:  Pretend you believe in yourself.... then pretend you're angry with anyone who tells you you're not worth believing in. 

Pretend you believe you'll be happy to be alive again soon.

It does get easier.

[Ami]

Dear Lighter,
  Thanks so much for caring.It means  a lot to me. When I put this topic up, I knew that it would be a hard one to talk about. Thanks for having the courage to respond . You have many good suggestions.          Love   Ami

[gratitude28]

Ami,
When you hit a rough spot, it means you are about to make a big change. You need to face whatever this is, no matter how hard it hurts. Then you need to let it go, and move on to the new layer. The nice thing is, you should have a happy and calm time between. Ask God to help you face it and then remove it. It never hurts as much once it is revealed.
Love, Beth

[lighter]

YVW, Ami. 

You're still standing on the precipice.

What are you going to do?

You can back down, try to go around (not likely to work), jump or do nothing.

They're all choices before you. 

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  Thanks for the Mom lecture. I want to assure you that I am not going off the deep end(even though it may look that way). I am just expressing that deep layer within us that has been driving us toward destruction. I was unaware of it before(semi- aware) and now I have faced it.(Kelly understood what I meant)
  I am taking a step toward health ,even though it "sounds'" scary,Amber.
  I am facing the layer that we had to "throw away" so our M's would not see any "life"in us  and hurt us. It is all the deep emotions: anger, passion, fear, joy,sadness . I guess that it is the animal side of us that Beth is talking about.. I had to kill it b/c these emotions would get me hurt. I had to be blank and wary of my surroundings. These emotions were a luxury.Survival mode was that I "agreed" with my M. I was the bad one--the awful one.I was the one who had all the bad feelings and thoughts thrust on me. I "ate" them ( so many eating metaphors---bleh)
 This is the layer that I am facing. .I am doing better, not worse.
   Love to You,      Ami

((((((((((((((Amber)))))))))))))))

[Gabben]

But you are alive!!  You are a wonderful person who is dealing with the aftermath of having a truly evil and sick N mother control your life.  You can and are breaking free from her.  You are feeling your wounds.  You are healing your wounds.  You are on the right path and we all love you here!!!

Ami,

You ARE a wonderful person. N mom's do such horrible damage to us, stealing our thoughts, emotions, self-esteem, twisting it all around, they still our life. Your suffering is real, every pain you feel and every thought you have is OK even if it is a damaging thought...this was the only way that you knew how to breathe. Slowly it is time to let some new air in. Slowly breathe in the air of acceptance that you are good and OK. Your voice on this board makes a difference, your valued my so many people and you don't have to be anything other than Ami. Part of what makes you so lovable is your love of truth and your ability to speak your truth about your genuine feelings. It takes huge courage to feel and huge courage to heal...your doing the work to grow or else it would not hurt so much.

Love,
Lise

[Overcomer]

Wow!  that was one of the best explanations I have heard.  The ROLE is what I call phoneyness.  It is that false self that takes away who and what you really are.  It is the expectation of acting and behaving in a way that is contrary to who you really are!  I love the analogy of the clothes on top of the paper doll-pasted on.  I am going to remember this.  It is so good!

[Ami]

Dear Kelly, Beth, Amber, Lise and Lighter,
  This is going to be really funny but I did not realize that I "expressed" myself in a dramatic way until a  dear friend pointed it out to me. I thought,"WHY are people reacting so strongly?"
Then , my friend said that you sound like you are "jumping off a bridge.". The funniest thing of all was I I "consider " myself to be a "subdued" person.
   I guess that it was like the talk show that I saw. An obviously angry guy was protesting how he never gets angry. Everybody started laughing.
  I guess that my "real' voice is dramatic,but my "shut down " voice may not be. That may be why I was very surprised at the characterization of myself as "dramatic"
  However, when I looked over all the threads, mine do "sick out" as "glaring(lol)
 Well,I guess that the board is all about getting your true voice back with all it's aspects. Many of them have been squished down so long that we can't
 even see them. However, a friend can.That is a big part of the board, too.
  Thank you Amber for that validation. It truly touched me as a  "warm fuzzy"
 Thank you Kelly,I could feel your love.
  Thanks Lighter  from talking me down "from the rails"
 Thank you Beth for seeing that there is peace after facing deep pain.
  Thank you Lise for always being that" angel " . Thanks to my dear friend who PM'ed me.    Love    Ami

((((((((((((((Kelly, Beth,Lighter, Amber, Lise,)))))))))))))))))))

[tayana]

(((((((Ami)))))))))

I understand what you're feeling, but although it might seem harsh, I love what Amber said.  You aren't the things your M told you, and you are dealing with your feelings.

Stop the negative talk.  Sit down and think about the positive things in your life.  The things you do well and enjoy.  Focus on that.  Not on all the things that are wrong.

I hope that comes out positively and not negatively.

[Ami]

After bringing to "light" these deep feelings, they seem like they have lost some of their power. Evil always multiplies in the darkness..
 Once a pain is shared ,it is on it's way out(IME)
  Thank you for allowing me to have a place to share and such loving voices to respond.
  I am looking at how I had to wipe out the primal layer of my emotions and I can see that  I really CAN  get them back . I can see that they are human ,not "bad".(starting  to see)
  As Amber says, in the "Role"  all emotions, feelings and needs were "bad"We had to be blank. We could not have any form of expression but "numb". Numb was safe and anything else was "dangerous". Selfishness was the "worst".
 I am feeling that layer of selfishness. You know what? It won't kill me. It is a human survival drive,probably.I felt that "layer' yesterday.It felt really "new".I am sure that when I felt "selfish" before , I would get some other emotion  to "cover' it over 'like depression. Depression was safe. Fear was safe. When I shrunk myself  with my M, I was safe. What was NOT safe was confidence, a strong voice, vitality , joy, pride( the good kind),gusto, love of life, love of myself etc.  All these were "having a big head'. They were "Who do you think you are?"
 I hated "Who do you think you are " so badly.
 So, I answered her with what she wanted. I am no one.Then like all of us--it stuck.
  We are here trying to find our "special set of qualities"(our voice) that makes us unique.  .Love   Ami



 

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  I love listening for your "authentic "voice.I don't know if you mean literal voice or just "means of expression. However, all our means of expression could come under the heading "voice".
 I am feeling my inner "knower" coming back--inside me. My M( the 'Role") had that pushed down very far. .
 Losing the connection to my "instincts" might have been the worst loss of all. I was really like an animal if the forest  with no protection. I can "feel " them coming back  in to place and with them vitality and the  "will to live"
 I am sorry if I express myself in a way that seems like I am on the "verge" of losing it. Actually ,it is the opposite and I am coming together.
 Tayana, thank you for expressing your caring and love. I am easy to misunderstand,I learned today.
                                      Love   Ami
 ((((((((((((Amber, Tayana))))))))))