Watching the "Layer of Selfishness " Go By

[Ami]

I want to thank everyone who helped me to face some more deep layers.. I can see that I was "paralyzed". I could not think or feel. I did not realize it until I COULD think and feel(just recently).
I see that whenever I had an 'unacceptable" feeling(most feelings ), I pushed it down and had a depression come over me.
 I see that when I felt selfish, I had one second of identifying it. Then, depression "hit' me. I guess that,in my FOO, I simply did not have the luxury of being "normally selfish". Now, I have been  shutting down the layer of selfishness on my own.
  This is a really huge thing. I can see "selfishness" float by. I can see other "ugly' thoughts and feelings float by.I feel very liberated.
"  The really scary thing is  when you are "out there" with your emotions and  you really don't know HOW  to come back. This has been the scariest thing of all for me. That is why I hang on to "You Shall Know the Truth and the Truth Will Make you Free" so tenaciously. It is my life line.
  I had a great experience . My S (younger) is harboring anger to my H that he is afraid to look at. I allowed " him to go deep and face it.I told him that healing was really "very simple". He was not an anomaly. It worked the same for everyone. He started crying and saying that he was afraid that his F would not love him if he was angry. He felt much better, afterwards.
                    Love Ami

[Ami]

I think that the "other "part to seeing that layer of selfishness is "embracing" it(totally).It is .owning that you HAVE to be selfish. We HAVE  to love and honor ourselves. It is NOT bad. It is good.It is life affirming. Hating ourselves  is life diminishing..We were taught backwards. We were taught that it was good  to  diminish ourselves and bad to get a "big" head.
  This is where I am now.
 My loving myself IS giving to people  I love. I could help my S yesterday MORE than ever before b/c I healed some deep things.
 I feel so "strange' going from point A to point B. I couldn't sleep last night b/c my identity is "changing" right before my eyes.I feel like I am on a "fast escalator"
  I am not JUST  my M's  D  anymore.I am losing the "Role".      Love   Ami

[Gabben]

He started crying and saying that he was afraid that his F would not love him if he was angry.

Hi Ami,

Thanks for this post.
This is supper insightful for me because my inner C feels like your S. I'm afraid to be angry on deep levels yet I have had so much anger and it is so painful. I think that I would be able to release it better if when I am feeling the old anger I am not also telling myself that I am unlovable and wrong for having so much anger. I can hear my Nmoms voice saying "what is wrong with you?" Even the slightest bit of upset from me to my mom could send her into a rage. However, I started working on my anger, just getting in touch with it, over 15 years ago. I used to use a yellow whiffle bat and hit a couch.

These days I feel a burning rage broiling up in me and I just want to scream -- it is so painful I want to stop the work but I can see how much I have healed and at times I can feel a deep peace wave over me as well as I see my behaviors changing...it is like God giving me a preview of my future emotional health if I keep doing this work, maybe?

((((((((AMI))))))))

Lise

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
 I am going to give a very STRONG opinion. Lise, you are really, really negating the severity of your childhood abuse. I felt this even before I read your last post. You are "expecting " yourself to be "over it now."
  That is very ,very  destructive to you. You will be over it WHEN you don't hurt anymore. TRUST yourself. Trust your emotions. Trust that God really CAN heal you IF you use HIS prescription--You Shall Know the Truth and the Truth Will Make you free."
  Please ,Lise. I can see the truth on this one. I am "waiting" for that thread. Drum roll............   Love   Ami