Alone

[Ami]

Last  night,I couldn't sleep b/c my 'identity" was changing. I was always my M's D(since 14 on).  I was "paralyzed"  in that identity. I could not think or feel. I was stuck like a crazy "mask"
  Lat night,I "saw' that my M is not here anymore.It was really sad. She had always been here when I was numb. i could construct my world any way that I wanted it if I was willing to be numb.
  The "ouch" of the human condition is big. It is a huge ,screaming "ouch". However, I am not alone in it,anymore.
  I can reach a hand out to s/one else and get joy from giving. I can allow love to fill me up and get joy from lightening s/one else's burden.
 I can simply look around and find what makes life worthwhile for me. The "currency" of life is love. You can always be filled with love and give love. No one can take that away from you b/c it begins and ends with you.
  So, what you give up with one hand ,you can replace with the other.      Love    Ami
 

[alone48]

Ami,

When my father was in the hospital and died, I remember my aunt (his older sister) just breaking down and crying. More so for the fact she was the only one left of her siblings (6), than my father's passing. At the time it slightly offended me, but as I get older I understand it more. With each year, century, etc, the passing of time changes who and what we are. I use to be a daughter, then a sister, now I am a mother and grandmother. NOne of the people that took care of me are left, I am the caregiver and matriarch of the family and I DON"T LIKE IT!!!

I then go through and think of all the friends I have known over the years, some still here others I have no idea where they are. They all seemed so important at one time. I worked with elderly and could certainly empathize with their losses. The hardest thing was when they were ill and I would say "you need to take care of yourself so you can get bettter" and the reply would be "Why".  I never had a good answer for that.

I know I have strayed far from where you were going on your subject, but it just brought this to the surface for me. Love who you have in your life now, let go of those who hurt you.........my whole point was, life is too short. Take care of you Ami, you deserve it.

[JanetLG]

Ami,

You're never alone while you make contact with other people (othr people, that is, than your mother). Because other people will always recognise the value that is in you. It's such a circular thing.


Janet

[Leah]

Alone ...

Love who you have in your life now, let go of those who hurt you.........my whole point was, life is too short


Janet...

You're never alone while you make contact with other people (othr people, that is, than your mother). Because other people will always recognise the value that is in you. It's such a circular thing


Little book of gentle words of wisdom

Love, Leah

[Overcomer]

Sometimes I feel alone because I am so busy that I do not find time to reach out and connect with others.

[Ami]

When I was thinking of being "alone", I was thinking of an incident that I had a year ago. Maria is so filled with God's love. We had gone shopping.I felt the deepest type of love from  her. The deepest  love that I have ever received has been from my Grandmother. It was totally unconditional.  I felt that from Maria.  We were crossing a  street and she put her hand out to hold mine.It  brought me back to my GM.
  That night , s/one came over for dinner.. I felt such a peace  and love inside me from spending the day with Maria. The guy was staring at me. He kept saying how much love was in the house..
  I could feel love radiating out from me, too. .
   That is a "space" that I know exists. That is what I think of when I think of not being "alone"--finding that space and trying to stay in it.             Ami

[Leah]

Dear Ami,

Are you saying that this was your experience one year ago?

Love, Leah

[Gabben]

Hi Ami,

I'm glad you wrote about your alone feelings -- me too. Aloneness is the most painful thing.

Your not alone, I'm always here.

Lise

[reallyME]

Ami,

I hope you know that i love ya.  I appreciate all your words that you share.  i also appreciate the openness i feel when i disagree with you.  We are like that...free to think differently and still care.  That has been precious to me, i want you to know.

Alone: I then go through and think of all the friends I have known over the years, some still here others I have no idea where they are. They all seemed so important at one time.

This struck a chord with me.  The other day as I was in my bathroom (of ALL places to come upon some deep introspection! ha!)...and i was thinking something similar...not about where all my former friends are, but all the former things that used to bring me such joy and feelings of accomplishment.

When I was a little girl and then for a short while after I got married, I was a ballerina, then a gymnast.  After that, in my 30's I was in choir...i could remember fighting over the car with my husband when I had practices or special church events.  I can also remember finally giving up and thinking "it's not worth battling him over it.  I'll just give it up."  I can remember leading worship, playing my keyboard and singing in different churches too...it's gone now...not the keyboard, but the desire and love of playing it.

Now, I look back on those times.  They no longer seem to hold the luster they used to.  currently, I'm about to become a grandma for the first time of a little girl.  mixed feelings about it all, but nonetheless excited.  Choir, dancing, singing, just don't seem to be the "be all and end all" that they once were for me.

Thanks for sharing everyone,
~Laura

[Ami]

The "alone" is "existential" aloneness. It is the aloneness that  shows you  that you HAVE to honor yourself before anyone else(even if you had a good mother).
 My 'crazy" thinking always put me in a category of "waiting" UNTIL.... I would love and honor myself.I think that I was waiting for the day when my M would love me. Then,I could be whole and life would begin.
  My "aloneness" is realizing that life HAS  begun. My M loving me and taking care of me could only happen IF I was "emotionally ill". Then, I could live in all sorts of fantasy lands.
  If I am "real",my M is not here. Even IF she were here, she is "blank".
 That is part of what I realized.Life has to start ,now.
 First and foremost,I have to  see that what I do have is me--good and bad. It's not so "bad" if I forgive myself. It is even easier if I laugh at myself.
  I am a "nut" and other people are ,too.
  I see that people's craziness is an attempt to run away from fear and shame. Fear and shame have us on that gerbil wheel ---at high intensity. All the ways that I tried to run on the gerbil wheel.Most of them were for my M to love me. I twisted like a pretzel . The only thing that changed was that I got twisted.
  What I am seeing is the 'death" of the wish.
   Last night,I had a strange conversation with my F. He tried to push back a feeling that I had.I knew that he did not like to look at the feeling in himself so he pushed it back in me. I just said that I had to go. However,at that moment, s/thing shifted in me.
  I took back the self that I had thrown away at 14---- strangely enough when I was talking to him. I saw that he tried to push me back b/c he was uncomfortable -NOT that I was wrong.
  I was not wrong.In fact,I CAN trust myself.
 All this time, I was always O.K.                                         Ami

[reallyME]

Amen Ami, AMEN!

Welcome to true FREEDOM!  Welcome to INDIVIDUATION!

personal meaning of that word..."realizing I am not, will not be, and never WAS joined at the hip or any other part of the people who birthed me into the Universe.  I am an INDIVIDUAL IN MY OWN RIGHT.

Keep sharing, Ami.  You are such an encouragement!

~Laura

[Ami]

LOVE YOU  Laura                                            Ami


(((((((((Laura)))))))))))

[JanetLG]

Ami,

"Last night,I had a strange conversation with my F. He tried to push back a feeling that I had.I knew that he did not like to look at the feeling in himself so he pushed it back in me. I just said that I had to go. However,at that moment, s/thing shifted in me.
  I took back the self that I had thrown away at 14---- strangely enough when I was talking to him. I saw that he tried to push me back b/c he was uncomfortable -NOT that I was wrong."

That is such a huge realisation!! I am so proud of you!!


Janet

[Ami]

Love You,Friend                        Ami

((((((((((((((Janet)))))))))))))

[Ami]

Thank you Lise. Love you  .                    Ami

(((((((((((Lise)))))))))))))