May "the board" be with you

[Less]

Saw my 91 year old N mother today -I take her shopping etc. every week. On the way to her place I called on Mighty Mouse et al to be with me. As I got closer (feels like getting sucked into a swirling vortex) I  called out to everyone on the board I could remember.  Something about this really worked.  I felt stronger  than I ever have and survived the event in much better shape than usual.

thank you board.  and may the Board be with you all.

[bunny]

Less,

Awesome. Whatever it takes to get through the visit. I always needed a drink to see my MIL.

bunny

[Michelle]

Less =

That's great!  I laughed when I pictured you calling us all out by name as you got sucked into the vortex.  I am glad to hear you were strong and kept your cool - way to go!

Pats on the back for you!!!!!  

Michelle

[Tokyojim]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but.......OH NO!  91 years old?!?

I thought that one was supposed to gain longevity through love, caring, humaneness, good diet and laughing a lot.

My N "friend" is 57 years old.  I had some hopes that age would bring some humility and sense of reality.  I have lost all hope now......

[Learning]

Less,

I like your idea of calling on this board in your hour of need.  What a great visual!

Take Care!

[mighty mouse]

Hi Les(s),

I'm glad you found some strength from all of us to help "gird" you against the mighty vortex of NMom. She must be a real piece of work! Yikes.

So....less pain, less angst this go-round? Seems Less really is working as a name for you my Canadian friend.

MM

[bunny]

Tokyojim,

Unfortunately there is a myth that N's improve with age and mellow out. Actually many of them get worse with age: crankier, more demanding, and even less inhibited in their bad behavior. Sorry.

bunny

[Tokyojim]

Bunny,

No need to say, "sorry."  I need the reminder.

I have to thank this board also.  It has given me good perspective.  With an occasional reminder, I can now keep a distance.  In addition, I also listen to the infrequent contact through my now well-established filter.  Instead of listening with logic, empathy and hope, I now look at virtually all of his utterances as what they really are: Projections, fantasies and attempts to establish superiority; all this for the N supply.

[mighty mouse]

Hey Les(s),

So will you be seeing your perfect baby Mom this Thursday as well?

I'd like to hear about your visit. You should keep track of all the bad behaviour so you can write "Mothers Behaving Badly".....a cutting edge comedy about NMoms and the kids who parent them.

MM

[Anonymous]

Hi MM _Rats! I was having fun with your idea here and then deleted it somehow. Can't  find it. Where do these things go I wonder. Anyway I'll start again. Thank you for your encouragement.  It took some chutzpah to get out here and it's all too easy and familiar to just be silent again.

A comedy or perhaps a horror film that would make David Cronenberg whimper. There certainly is enough material!

CLose up: sweet older woman(me!) gazing sadly at her journal. "A few years ago" she says, "I bought a beautiful journal so I could write about my spiritual journey. [cut to gardens with dappled light, gossamer butterflies,  light green and gold shading, the haunting call of a loon]  After one beautifully written paragraph the light began to change. I glanced down at my journal and to my horror there were splotches of black and red all over the page!" [cue: punk/industrial music, screaming, moaning, wretching, head banging]  The page was full of angry, raging, blood-filled words. And so began "THE Mother Monologues -notebooks full of dark exhausting confusion. (true story)
 
The confusion has lifted. All those years of writing and I didn't understand what really was going on. NOW I GET it and it is so LIBERATING to be able to NAME the problem. And believe that she IS the problem, not me.

Shopping with mother could be so much more bareable if I saw it as  "material." Yes, yes mother telll me more about the woman who stopped you in the street and told you that you were the most beautiful, lovely woman she has ever seen (the abridged version - this story goes on and on) And she wanted to kiss you? blah blah blah (not making this up here!) Working Title -Episode 1: Two nut cases run into each other.
Episode 2:  -Perfect Mother and "Fungus Brain" (newly named, charming isn't it) Go SHopping. Episode 3: based on the true story of the World's Wittiest Woman - in which she goes to the dentist and brings untold joy and happiness to all the staff and patients.  Highlight: Dentist exclaims that he soooo looks forward to her visits and simply can't wait to see her again

Episode 4: based on last week's shopping trip.  The Star of the show and we all know who that is, says: " It would be boring if I was kind and mild."  Don't you prefer, "The Interesting Me."  Fungus brain meekly says: "Not Really." Stay tuned folks, they'll be hell to pay for that comment but
there is no turning back!!!
!

So MM,  got a few short stories up your sleeve?

[Less]

previous entry "Guest" actually "Less". Maybe a little too much wine tonight - needed for calling the big NM.

[mighty mouse]

Hi Les(s),

I don't beleive I have near as many stories as you do. I moved away from my family home at 18 (early escape) and never went back except for visits about twice a year (now down to 0 times a year). That was 28 years ago. So I haven't had to interact with NMom on a daily/weekly basis as you've had to. And I have 7 other sibs that my Mom can project onto. Although I beleive I was one of her favorites since I was quiet and shy (little did she know what was in my head) and was pretty obedient (I got to be a first class sneak though since she didn't really pay much attention to me as a person).

Does your Mom insult your siblings the way she does you? Or are you her main target? Or maybe she despises anyone who would belong to a club with her as a member? I beleive she must have a lot of self hate contrary to the image she tries to project. She sounds like an A class drag....name calling really is very infantile and primitive. Ooops. I just called your Mom a drag...must be I'm regressing. LOL.

I was wondering if there were any sort of visiting nurse's type organization that could help her do her weekly shopping? Or if you could shop on-line and have it delivered to her? I'm just trying to think of ways for you to minimize your contact with her. You've probably thought about these things hundreds of times already. I was just curious. But I don't want to bust any boundries since you've suffered that for years with this 91 year old beauty queen.

I might be able to come up with a good script for my NPD sister. Now she is a real head case. I could call it "How to get your professor/high school teacher or imaginary friend fired from his job". And she has gotten a high school teacher fired, tried to get a professor fired (and it back fired on her since she was thrown out of Harvard) and now she has a man in her university that she emails and says he's a great friend (great friend asked her to stop emailing and reported her as being suicidal to her superior). Bunny said very rightly that she may be delusional. So, yes..I'd have great fodder for stories/scripts with her. NMom is too covert and clever. It's too exhausting to even try to describe her stuff.

So the good new is...your NMom gives you more overt, over the top stuff which would better translate to a sitcom. And the bad news is the same. Good luck to you dear Canadian friend. You seem to have developed a very fine sense of humor.

BTW I really enjoy your writing style..you have flair. And may the board be with you again this week.

MM

[Less]

Hi,

I think it is appalling of me to write under the influence but I need a drink before I call my Nm (I think Bunny may have mentioned that too!)  Soooo will try to muddle through here.

thank you for acknowledging my writing.  it's slippping off the edge at the moment (please excuse) but it has been a comfort and release for me over the years. I actually stumbled into writing as a bit of a career 20 or so years ago - actually wrote some books and wrote lots of special features for science books. That was fun. No scientist here and but enjoy mucking around. ( So my mother doesn' know this about me - my sister called a few years ago and said -hey! I just noticed that you've written a book -why didn't you tell me! - who knows why....

Are you in any way quiet and shy now? Do you feel like your personality has changed and evolved? Significantly? Maybe it's just the name but you are bold and courageous in my e-mail eyes.

ha! that Groucho Marx joke! (I think?) You know, my mother wouldn't dare insult my brother and sister the way she does me. Being the youngest I think I was culled from the herd and groomed for this special job.

I saw a therapist today who was pretty good at connecting the dots. She thinks my mother was probably " sexualized" as a child - maybe a bit like the tragic little girl in Colorado ( Jon Bennet Ramsay?)  At other times I think she may be a rare case of someone who really truly, deeply believes that she is God's gift to the world. It is so over the top.  I am starting to get help for the sexual part of all this but am reluctant to post anything too much about it though.

I am beginning to appreciate the difference between overt and covert N.  The covert drives you insane - totally exhausting as you say.  When did you start to really sort this out for yourself? I am only just realizing that in some ways it's a blessing that my mother has lived so long because I get a chance to see her in action through adult/aware eyes. It's a real opportunity to come to grips with it all.

I appreciate your problem solving with me.  I haven't actually considered on-line shopping but what an idea! Part of the shopping trip is about just getting out and about.  Perhaps the most important step is that my mother is talking about a retirement home and this week anyway not laying the usual guilt trips on me. I have had to say to her point blank - we can't live together.  (oh my god, oh my god) Someone said to me -"It's her or you." I know it would be the end of me if I had to live with her.

Are you free and clear of your sister now? I've read your posts about the stalking.  What did/does she need from you I wonder.  

Take care MM and may the board be with you too.
Less

[mighty mouse]

Les(s),

You are correct in ascertaining that I am not a withering daisy. In fact my oldest sister (who did most of my actual mothering) described me in a recent email as independent, feisty and beautiful -I think inside is what she meant although I'm no mud fence LOL.

Anyway, I have a difficult time with describing my personality. If you have studied MBTI personality typing, I am an INTJ. I am introverted (I can be a situational extravert for a short time) abstract in thinking - i.e. value concepts, ideas and theories over concrete subjects, and rational and knowledge seeking.

People tend to think my type is emotionless which is only how we present to the world. In fact my type is very romantic and feels rejection accutely (I think because we don't expect to be liked). Sounds like an N in some ways. But luckily I am almost teflonlike when it comes to criticism because I usually don't know I've been "dissed" until well after the fact LOL! That's because my type is not very people or emotion oriented. I don't get jealous either. Not because of any wonderful trait I've developed - I just don't have it in me. My Mom liked to use the phrase "book smart, people stupid" which is no inane because she is soooo not people smart. And I've never claimed to be people smart because I wasn't born to be - although I have sometimes uncanny intuition when it comes to people.

Sheesh, that's probably way more than you bargained for. I could sit around all day and talk about personality typing. It's a fascinating subject to me (nobody else seems that thrilled with it - especially more concrete types). But with getting older, I think most people become more well rounded and I certainly have. I've tried developing some of my lesser skills and actually express myself better in writing than in person. That's why this forum is so great. And I admire the intellectual level here.

As to what my sister wants with me? Ahhhhh. Nsupply. That's all I'm good for. She used to call me constantly....never asked about me. It's always been only about her. I decided to challenge her one day and that's when the dam broke (as I knew it would based on her past). But I was ready to live without her. I had already made that decision when I challenged her and I unfortunately got my answer. She had me for Nsupply for so long, I think she attempted to get it back because she has alienated so many other people. Man....the woman doesn't even know me. It hurts to realize that after all these years. But I started putting the pieces of her and my Mom together about 10-12 years ago. Living with my wonderful H has helped lead me in that direction (seeing what normal relations were).

Stop me before I post anymore tonight!!! It's that time of night when the primative brain starts to take over. I hope I'm half way coherent.

MM

[Less]

No, no not more than I bargained for, not in the least, but Night Mouse, when do you sleep?!

INTJ Eh? Pleased to meet you. I am (gasp) an INFP....and very much to the "withering daisy" end of the spectrum I think!  I recall another post about INFP's being N's. At least a query... from you, non? Oh, mon dieu! (wrist to forehead) do you think it might be?  I guess it's true that N's can beget N's.  Certainly being raised by an N and alcoholic father created such self-doubt that it seems I monitored every breath I took, for fear of offending.  I guess that's not N  just F (fear)

Yes, just living opens up other parts of ourselves. Very interesting - you feel rejection acutely but don't get jealous.  So these are not necessarily linked?  Do you think that as people start resolve some of their stuff that the Meyers Briggs's results might change? Time to be retested! Maybe I'm morphing into an EGAD. Expressive, Girl, Angry, Determined!  And clearly you are already REAL. Romantic, Expressive, Attractive (no mud fence!-LOL) and hmm, and, oh yes, Little!! Would like to say Liberated. Sounds like you are at least part way there... you think? Can't seem to stop  horsing around.  Becoming Silly. a real SEGAD.

LESS (Loose, Energized, Silly, Silly)