Hi again, Kmmac.
After I posted my response, I realized that, although I shared my "don't worry, you are not in this alone" response, I sure didn't offer you any help in getting through this pain.
Here is what helped me...and i hope it's not going to offend since it is unsolicited advice on my end...I just really understand how painful the aftermath of N relationships can be and how hard it is to even WANT to get out of bed or function or exist after they get done with ya.
1.) I literally had to decide to take one second, minute and then hour of a day at a time. I would sit with a wrist watch and watch the second hand go around. I would tell myself "ok, you haven't heard from X, you haven't gone online to talk to X, a minute has gone by, and you are OK. You can get through the next minute. Pretty soon, I was OK during an hour, then two, then 5, then a quarter of a day, then a half of a day. Finally, I made it up till today and new things happened and new friends came along and I am still OK without X's phone calls, talks, messages, gifts, time, attention. It takes TIME but you can do it too.
2.) After I finally came to the place of being "OK" in my own skin without needing anything from X, I began journalling. I took a page in a notebook and wrote the following into separate columns:
Thought Feeling When it occurred What I wanted to do about it What I did about it How I feel now
I mean EVERY SINGLE TIME I had a thought or feeling about X, I'd chart it under each column. Very soon afterward, I came to notice a pattern of certain times I felt certain things. After I had a pattern of that, I began a DIVERSION. Here is an example:
Thought- I want to call X
Feeling- I miss her sooooooooo bad I want to yell and scream and throw something
When it occured- 2:00
What I wanted to do abotu it- call her, duh!
What I did about it- went and read a book <------------diversion (can be taking a walk, reading, eating a carrot, whatever!)
How I feel now- frustrated but I made it!
Ok, now, the pattern I began to see was that, every day at 2PM I'd gotten used to talking with X for hours. See, the neurons in our brains form little grooves from the habits we have. Every day, my brain kicked in on "oh, time for X to call" I had to literally write over that groove in that neuron and form a new habit (generally this takes 30 days but for me it was about 2 weeks or so). It is SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN that if you can retrain your brain in this way, you can erase a faulty, unhealthy habit and develop a healthier new one. This can work with smoking, drinking, swearing, etc. It DOES work if you work it...and thankfully I did.
3.) Next, I began reading a book called THE LANGUAGE OF LETTING GO. You see, narcissists generally prey upon vulnerable people. I was not out looking for X at the time she decided to take me under her wing. She was watching my tears from having been abandoned by person #1, and I was perfect prey for her to try to clone and fix. As I read this book, I realized it was ok to not feel needy or needed as much. There was a "safe" place inside me that worked in my favor. It became ok to just "be" without having to "do." Please, i urge you to read this book.
4.) I did research...loooooooooooooooooooots of research, on NPD and other disorders, on demonic spirits, on abuse, control, manipulation. I watched television shows that discussed topics of abuse, etc. I did whatever I could to learn all that I could and never have to relive the nightmare of loving and losing an ILLUSION of who I thought someone was.
I leave you with this...the word DIS ILLUSION MENT
To me, that means breaking the false belief that someone was who they claimed to be and who you needed them to be.
X had a front that she showed online and off to people of who she really believed she was. When I saw through that front, X decided I was a threat, because, after all, without the pretend mask, who was she really? Who are any of us, unless we are true to Creator, true to ourselves, and true to others.
NOBODY is worth losing YOURSELF for. In the end, YOU are the one you end up with.
Hope that helps,
~Laura
