I vacillate between anger & depression & tears.

[Gabben]

For months I have been experiencing a deep anger and outrage at my parents betrayal, their denial of genuine love to me. I have dissociated my anger onto the N saint therapist. I think it is because she is a safer person to channel my anger towards than directing  my hatred and anger towards my mom.


My mom was a rage-aholic. Do others have stories about their raging N parents?

As I write this post I can feel a pang of fear telling me to justify myself and explain how well I have managed my anger over the years to the board. Yes, to be fair to myself I would say I don't tend to direct my anger towards others but rather it gets directed back to me, I suffer mild depression and I smoke about half a pack a day. I also have critical and shaming thoughts but just this weekend I got some powerful insight into those thoughts and how they are my mom's introjections. I could see a layer of N stuff just go by me like Ami says without having to buy into the lies.


Does anyone have any insight into how I can heal the outrage and anger I feel and suppress? What helps and do I have to release every old stored up angry memory in order to find some relief from depression. 

Depression and addiction are just symptoms...not the real problems. My mild depression and smoking are just symptoms of deeper underling emotional problems and the first emotions seems to be my anger.

Any thoughts anyone?
Lise

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
  I am so glad that you wrote about this. I can use the example of my S(20). He started not being able to face his feelings about my H. The more he would  NOT face them, the worse my S felt.. My S would not even admit that he had anger toward his F.
  After my healing,I was strong about the ONLY way to heal is to "feel" the root emotions. Once you feel and face them ,they go (by themselves)(IMO)
 So, s/how he listened to me this time when he never did before. He saw a new strength in me,I think. Then he started crying and I could see that healing  was beginning.
  Lise, this is my intuition about what is going on with you. You are not allowing yourself to KEEP going deeper with the feelings. You are saying to yourself---- ''I should be over it by now."Maybe,other people are telling you that. too.
  The degree of severity of abuse determines HOW long it will take to get "over it"
  SO, you are "not allowing yourself to KEEP grieving . How long do you need to grieve? Until it is over. That is my strong opinion. You KNOW what to do,but you are thinking that it is  taking  too long.
  I think that you were doing well, but s/how you  thought that you should be "over "it by now. That is my opinion,anyway. Compost what does not fit.                 Love   Ami


 ((((((((((((Lise)))))))))))))

[Gabben]

You are saying to yourself---- ''I should be over it by now

To read this was interesting because just this morning, as I was driving to work, I was experiencing tears and quiet cleansing sobs. I could not attach any memory to the grief or sadness. It was then that I heard my N mom's voice saying with contempt "why are you crying?" Or "what are you so upset about."  I heard a voice in me say "when are you going to be over this stuff."

I think that you are correct and that I am so programed with the messages I wrote above that I automatically respond to my lighter feelings with suppression or avoidance. Then the cycle starts all over again beginning with depression and ending with tears and grief.

I was relieved to feel the tears this morning, I thought perhaps I'm in love with my pain because I persue it? But in reality it is the painful symptoms of emotional numbness, addiction, anxiety and depression that I can't stand so I DO persue my sorrow, I want my tears and pain because as I release old pain, my symptoms, listed above, lesson and I feel happier overall, more at peace and full where I am not reaching outside myself for anything to fill because I am healing my holes leftover by the lack of love from my N mom  -- the love hunger is getting filled over with acceptance and a new perspective.

Fear of falling into the hole again, acting out my unfulfilled wishes that need to be grieved out of me keeps me doing the work.  I have to persue the unconscious, I have to persue the pain, I have to persue healing. Otherwise I am running from it, avoiding, denying etc. Sure, I take breaks, I knit, read, go to the movies. Listen to what is happening in others lives on this board and put myself in there shoes as best I can. I spend time with friends; I take the time to forget for a while but inevitably the symptoms show up again and I just want to heal and grow spiritually especially, the later.

Lise

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
  I was the assistant to one of the top holistic health doctors in the country.I learned that a symptom is there for a REASON. You don't just cut off (or out) the symptom and expect a "true" body healing. The mind is the same.
 IF you are having pain,it is there for a reason.It is SEEKING healing.
  I could "see" you putting these judgements   on yourself, Lise.
   Lise, you know how to heal. Trust yourself.  Simply trust yourself,Lise. You have very good sense.
                             Love    Ami

[Ami]

Thinking of you today,Lise.                                        Love   Ami

(((((((((((((Lise)))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

(((((((Lise)))))))

I'm not as brave an earth-mover as you.

I remember hearing once that Anger is always one layer "up"--what it is obscuring is either hurt or fear.

Perhaps asking,
What am I afraid of?
and listening for your inner whisper

Same with
What is my hurt?
ditto

could help? Maybe asking the questions, over and over, each time there is anger...will reveal?

Sending comfort,
Hops

[Gabben]

Thank you (((Hops)))!

I always appreciate your kindness and the time you take to respond and acknowledge my hurt and posts.

Peace to you

You do raise some good points and I will do some thinking on that.

Lise

[changing]

Hi Gabben-

I too was in turns angry, fearful , sad  and crying. I just want you to know that it does get better- not absolutelyly perfect, as Ns do not loosen thier tentacles easily, but still you will regain a sense of living as an autonomous being with joy and freedom, and it is priceless and incomparable. You will get through this!!!

Love,

Changing

[Gabben]

Hi Changing,

Thank you for your encouraging words of hope!! ((((CHANGING))))

Your response makes a difference to me

Lise

[Gabben]

Hi Amber,

Thank you for your encouragement and sharing of your experience.

"there is almost always a major transgression of a boundary or action that is simply mean and abusive behind this, that caused a wound of fear, terror, or anger & confusion."

Lately I have been feeling a deep inner awareness of the "wrong of a lifetime wound" or the impact of all of the trauma's that I had experienced throughout my childhood. It is hard to explain but I feel my body sort of weeping out the pain and as I re-sensitize to the fact that we were not designed, as humans, for evil or trauma, (that is what makes it trauma).

God designed us for love. just not getting the genuine love that I needed was an impact of trauma on my entire being in addition to the yelling and abusive words I had to endure. My body racks with rage tears and anguish...at time the release is overwhelming and the peace feels wonderful but then I see myself going right back to depression or smoking and I know that another layer is coming. That is where I have been this week.

Last night it hit me how traumatized I feel when I smoke. I have been living with a traumatized psyche for too long.

"realizing once & for all, that my mom wasn't simply "not right" - she was mentally ill."


This is key. As I move into deeper levels of pain and grief I am, at times, able to hear a quiet voice that is getting louder saying "it was NOT my fault." This is something that I have to keep working at but I think that the moment it fully sinks in I will begin to treat myself better and with more gentle compassion. That will be a first step, then I hope to treat myself as precious because if I can treat myself well then I will be able to treat others with great value too.

"Twiggy is very quiet these days. She's not acting out, fearful or angry anymore. She accepts that her mom was simply too sick to care for her, when she needed it most. She is accepting how I take care of her and prefers it, now. I still try to tell her things... get her to come out & "play"... buy her things. Twiggy is getting better."


This is really good to hear ((((TWIGGY))))


------------------------------------------------------

On a separate note - I don't want to drop a bomb but I was a victim of rape at the age of 11, by a stranger at gun point, when I was walking to school one morning. Soon, I will write that story out and post it here. But right now I am listening to my little inner child and she needs to be careful.

Thank you Amber!
Lise

[Hopalong]

Oh (((((((((((((((Lise))))))))))))))))

I would be

very

very

enraged

about

that.

I am so sorry (and outraged--just noticed that is "rage" plus "out").
But, there's the work. Now I know you will heal.

with love,
Hops