Hi Amber,
Thank you for your encouragement and sharing of your experience.
"there is almost always a major transgression of a boundary or action that is simply mean and abusive behind this, that caused a wound of fear, terror, or anger & confusion."
Lately I have been feeling a deep inner awareness of the "wrong of a lifetime wound" or the impact of all of the trauma's that I had experienced throughout my childhood. It is hard to explain but I feel my body sort of weeping out the pain and as I re-sensitize to the fact that we were not designed, as humans, for evil or trauma, (that is what makes it trauma).
God designed us for love. just not getting the genuine love that I needed was an impact of trauma on my entire being in addition to the yelling and abusive words I had to endure. My body racks with rage tears and anguish...at time the release is overwhelming and the peace feels wonderful but then I see myself going right back to depression or smoking and I know that another layer is coming. That is where I have been this week.
Last night it hit me how traumatized I feel when I smoke. I have been living with a traumatized psyche for too long.
"realizing once & for all, that my mom wasn't simply "not right" - she was mentally ill."
This is key. As I move into deeper levels of pain and grief I am, at times, able to hear a quiet voice that is getting louder saying "it was NOT my fault." This is something that I have to keep working at but I think that the moment it fully sinks in I will begin to treat myself better and with more gentle compassion. That will be a first step, then I hope to treat myself as precious because if I can treat myself well then I will be able to treat others with great value too.
"Twiggy is very quiet these days. She's not acting out, fearful or angry anymore. She accepts that her mom was simply too sick to care for her, when she needed it most. She is accepting how I take care of her and prefers it, now. I still try to tell her things... get her to come out & "play"... buy her things. Twiggy is getting better."
This is really good to hear ((((TWIGGY))))
------------------------------------------------------
On a separate note - I don't want to drop a bomb but I was a victim of rape at the age of 11, by a stranger at gun point, when I was walking to school one morning. Soon, I will write that story out and post it here. But right now I am listening to my little inner child and she needs to be careful.
Thank you Amber!
Lise