How easily N's dismiss

[alone48]

I thought it was just me, but recently had contact with wife of N's oldest and supposedly dearest friend. They had known each other as best friends for over forty years. Sometime at the end of my relationship with N, he became angry at his friend for some info that he had given me about a previous girlfriend. He quit talking to him. The friend has had cancer since then and his mother has died (which N knew about through his kids) and still no contact. It simply amazes me how someone could live with themselves. I understand our ending, but not that.

[sunblue]

The level of their self-absorption is truly amazing isn't it?  Your situation exemplifies the level of damage your N has caused.  Imagine how that friend of 40 years felt when your N effectively "disowned" him, especially when he faced such tragedy in his life.  For those who don't understand or acknowledge that they are dealing with N, I think the pain and confusion of it all is quite significant.

My Nmom did some similiar things.  For some reason which I never truly understood, after my maternal grandmother passed, my Nmom "disowned" her sister and family.  Even though they had been pretty "close" as sisters, she never spoke or saw her again....UNTIL the day of her funeral.  She only went to the funeral because she was so concerned about what others would think of her.  After coming back from the funeral which I imagined would be difficult on many levels, her first and only comment was, "They were very nice to me and was glad to see me."  Not one word about her sister or the nephew she discarded or anything else.  So narcissistic!  In another situation, she also discarded a life-long friend over some really trivial circumstance.  I think Ns have to need or use for friends at all.  Friends are only important to them to the point that they can provide them with something they need.  They don't miss these friends after discarding them, never speak of them again.  It is so sad because you realize this is how they treat everyone in their lives.  They simply don't value other people in any regard.  The world revolves around them.

[Gabben]

How easily indeed.

N's think and feel like children and when a child is finished playing with a toy they toss it without even looking back, until they see another kid playing with the old toy then suddenly the toy has value and they want it back.

http://www.narcissism.operationdoubles.com/youareanobject.htm

Excerpts:

A narcissist remains forever such an infant. His world revolves around him. The people in it are but objects for him to use and control — existing for his sake, not their own. Like levers on a control panel or tools to be damaged through heavy use or livestock to be consumed. There to fulfill his needs and enhance his image. Beyond that, they have no importance. It never occurs to him that he owes them anything in return or that he should consider the effects of his actions on them.

An object has no feelings. It is not a person. It is not even a being in the usual sense of the word. You might grab an object like a screwdriver and abuse it by using it to pry something open, knowing that by using it this way you might break it. But you think nothing of breaking a screwdriver. Damaging that screwdriver is nothing. There are plenty more where that one came from.

[alone48]

oh how true, I wasn't surprised that he did it to me. I just thought a 40 year friendship meant something. Tommorrow is his birthday and I only hope that all his care is returned ten times over.....probably no such luck as I'm sure there is a new N source by now.

His friend was devestated, but after thinking about it you would think after 40 years of N he would have known what to expect. This is not something that just happened. During our relationship I saw him dismiss people so easily and there always was a reason they had slighted him in someway or another.

[Gabben]

I just thought a 40 year friendship meant something.

Wow...yep, I think everyone on this board can say they felt this way in relationship to an N. I felt that my saint friend, the N therapist, after three years of friendship and a connection would not just dump me the moment I spoke my heart to her.

The spell of disillusionment is a painful one to embrace especially when you, as you say, invested so much of yourself into this person and the relationship.

It really hurts, doesn't it?

Lise

[alone48]

I want to say more than you'll ever know, but I believe everyone on this board can comprehend the pain.

I was driving home thinking of revenge things, and the radio comes on with :Revenge is mine sayth the Lord" Ever feel like you were hit with a bolt of lightening?  I really wouldn't do anything, but now I have to let go off the thoughts too.

[Hopalong]

You're not alone, ((((((((((Alone))))))))))))

Been there, done that, it really will pass.

Don't beat yourself up about it.
You were badly hurt and you really are healing.

love
Hops

[alone48]

Gabben, I emailed a your definition of an N to his friends wife (didn't mention where I got it) and asked if she knew anyone that fit the profile. Her answer was "oh my God, it fits him to a T" and I think it made them feel better that others saw through him also. Seeing it in black and white makes it easier to grasp, I think.

[Leah]

I want to say more than you'll ever know, but I believe everyone on this board can comprehend the pain.

I was driving home thinking of revenge things, and the radio comes on with :Revenge is mine sayth the Lord" Ever feel like you were hit with a bolt of lightening?  I really wouldn't do anything, but now I have to let go off the thoughts too.

Dear (((( Alone ))))

That's what entered into my heart from Hebrews 10:30 "For we know him that said, Vengeance belongeth unto me, I will recompense. And again, The Lord shall judge his people."  (american standard version)


And I simply offered all N's and people who have wronged me; up to Him to deal with -- hoping that through Him their hearts will be changed.

As it is not within my power to change their hearts and that's where serenity gives me such peace, along with my faith and trust.


Thank you for the opportunity to share this as it has been a most important part of my life journey.


Love & Hugs,

Leah

[Gabben]

((alone48))

Forgiveness is a process. For some of us it is a very long process. Don't shut yourself down just because you have anger. Yes, we have to get rid of those angry vengeful thoughts and ask God to PUT forgiveness in our hearts. Sometimes the anger is not really always about that one particular N in the present of our lives but it touches an old wound from our past and our parents, perhaps, especially if the anger and vengeful thoughts are strong.

Please be careful about just offering N's over to God...yes, we need to pray for them but to deny your hurt over their harm to us IS NOT FORGIVENESS. we need to move through the hurt (this can take a long time) and acknowledge the wrong they did to us all the while praying for them and allowing the pain to wave through us with the thought that what is done to me is done to the body of Christ too. God feels the hurt along with me.

Justice is God's job. My job is to learn to love, search out, seek, pray and reach for God to give me a forgiving heart.

If I just deny my anger try to think that I am healed in one breath, I would have never learned so much about hurt, real forgiveness and my heart might have turned cold and bitter...instead -- my heart can be capable of great compassion, tolerance and understanding, at times, because I have worked through so much pain.

Love and peace,
Lise

[reallyME]

N's think and feel like children and when a child is finished playing with a toy they toss it without even looking back, until they see another kid playing with the old toy then suddenly the toy has value and they want it back.

Really, this IS where it's all at with the typical Narcissist.

You are looking at, interacting with, hearing from a child in an adult "form."  Do not be deceived and think that this is another rational adult you are dealing with.  A narcissist is not rational and is sometimes dangerous.

Please, be prayerful and careful when having to deal with humans who have this disorder.

~Laura

[alone48]

I haven't given up the anger, but realize it was doing me more harm than him. I have accepted my part in the situation and cannot make N see his part or deal with his actions.  I don't feel I'm totally to blame, but neither is he. I need to be more aware and not need to be loved so bad that I accept it from the wrong sources. He took advantage of that and knew what he was doing, but I had my part also. The anger is very much there, but not the need for revenge. I will probably never know if he is miserable or sorry, but I'm better off being out and away from N.

[tayana]

Alone, my mom does things like this.  She'll be sweet as pie with someone until they make her mad, or she thinks they've slighted her, and then she drops them like a hot potato.  Any friends I remember my parents having eventually all went away for some silly reason.  They were never mentioned again.  I never knew what happened, or why suddenly we no longer spoke with them. 

Recently, a former neighbor of ours kicked her abusive husband to the curb.  My mom promised she would visit her one day when M wasn't at school.  Guess what?  She never did.  Her excuse was that she just didn't want to listen to that.

I think it's one of those things you just have to accept with an N.  Sorry, I know I'm a little off topic, but I just wanted to say that I understand.  ((((((hugs))))))

[alone48]

I don't think it's off the subject at all, you think someone is a life long friend and then they're just dismissed as if they never existed. I have seen N do this so many times and of course I thought I was different and could endure. N had contacted his friend and promised he would go see him, friend waited all day but N had something else  to do. He never ever called him again to explain why he just dropped him.