Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Normal Mothering
might mouse:
Hi All,
I'm starting a new thread since I started kind of appropriating Ellie's post about Evangelical Ns.
Less asked me if I had ever gotten anything like normal mothering. So Les(s), the answer is maybe. But then do I know what normal mothering is? Probably not.
There are times when I felt that my Mom really did care about me. But usually as soon as I thought that, she'd say something with a "twist". She is very covert so an example of something she'd say is this (I sent her some pictures that I was very proud of and told her how I was starting to become a pretty good photographer): "Well, your pictures are very nice. So either you are a good photographer or you have a really good camera". And every time I actually see her (which used to be 1-2 times a year when she would beg me to come and then sort of ignore me when I was there) she would throw her arms around me and hug me and then promptly tell me my breath smelled like garlic. That's strange...she says it almost every time I see her. It's like it's good to see you but I don't want to make you too comfortable so I'll just throw something off-kilter in there to keep you on guard (my husband confirms that my breath does not in fact smell like garlic).
Now those might seem like petty things but they are a constant in our relationship. She also is very competitive...I tell her about my birds..her birds are better or more prolific. She had 8 kids, I have none (she did tell me after my first of many miscarriages that I would never have kids because I was too selfish -this after joking with some of my sibs about a luncheon mean we didn't like when we were younger). That last one was only covert because she whispered it in my ear....nobody else heard.
Last time I saw her, we had a good time together. She was on good behavior as my H was there. And we stayed at a hotel (we stay at a hotel instead of the house because then she treats us like guests and doesn't ignore us). But when I got home, I made the mistake of thinking she might really like to get closer - MY BAD. I can't blame her for this one. I set myself up for that. It went downhill quickly from there as I saw that I
was never going to have the Mom I needed or wanted. She really can't seem to differentiate between us kids anyway. I spent a lifetime trying to differentiate myself from the masses (7 other sibs). But no matter how good I did my chores, looked after the younger ones, made her creative things that I would put on her bed as a present, she would always lump us in one big mass (called YOU KIDS). As in...you kids are just trying to bug me or you kids didn't do what you were supposed to do (I always did), etc. She does the same thing to this day.
I had kids teasing me in grade school and she was more concerned about why I was in the bathroom stall (trying to get away from the teasers), and it embarrassed her. She made little sounds like she was concerned. But when it really came down to it, I never felt she was ever anything but mad because she had to deal with this. I guess these little things start accruing after while. You know even as a kid something is wrong. But you can't put your finger on it. I mean we were never physically abused or sexually abused. So what did I know except that my perceptions were never validated. You are always second guessing everything when you are never, ever validated. It's a very covert crazy making thing.
Sheesh. I feel like I sound like a baby. But all of that is past now except that I need time away from her to see if there was any normal mothering. See Les(s), you just opened a big can of worms LOL. That is why I felt like I never grew up and it's important for me to finally seperate myself from her so I can gain my individuality.
I guess what I would like to know is if anyone else feels like they are still five years old in a a way? I don't feel like this anymore since I stopped talking to my Mom. But I wonder if I will ever get to the point where I can be unselfish enough to ever have anything to do with this woman again? Right now it feels good to be seperated.
Has anyone else seperated and come back and things were better (meaning you had the skills to deal - not that the N changed - I know that doesn't happen)? And I know I'm not there yet.
MM
shixie:
I feel the only solution is to separate, as did my family from our alcoholic N father. When my mother left him he showed his evil side. It was sickening how he tried to smear her to us and anyone who would listen. We lived it and knew he was lying. My youngest sister was too young to know all that we knew and he really messed with her head. I have had a hard time forgiving this. I was 18 and decided to cut contact with him. Eventually my siblings did the same. That was the only way to begin the healing process. I have never looked back or regretted this. Unfortunately my need for a father figure led me to a 12 year relationship with another N. If only I knew then about NPD. When I ended this relationship I also had to cut off contact. Each time I left all personal possessions behind. I was not allowed to have anything. Each time I started from scratch building my life again. After all it was only "stuff", I could replace objects and left with my self-respect, something that can't be bought in stores.
flower:
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mighty mouse
Thanks so much for your insight and support.
It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven: Ecclesiates 3:1
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shixie:
It's been over 20 years since I cut off contact with my Dad who died in 1998. The pain he caused is a faded memory now. I do remember how he abused the title of parent. They made you feel obligated to them in their cruel way. The only way to get over it is to break off all contact. Even my ex-N had a way of making me feel like I was 5. Its their way of controlling you into dependence on them. Don't let it happen, its what they want. Remember, emotionally you are more mature than them. The longer you are away from them the stronger you will get. If you aren't sure stay away. They are counting on your weakness. Don't become their prey. Life is too short.
flower:
shixie,
You are right. Life is too short.
N's are twisted.
Thanks for your words
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