NPD stalking

[azgirl]

I'm experiencing what I consider stalking.

I began dating a man, who I'm convinced suffers from NPD, last summer. We had a close connection however, this quickly ended when he was suddenly arrested and incarcerated for having sex with a minor. He plead guilty and was released recently, on probation. I thank God everyday that during the course of our "friendship", the N and I did not become physically intimate.

Upon his release, I made it clear to the N that I wanted no contact with him and that he was to stay away from me.  To take it a step further, I made it clear to him that I would file for an order of protection if he did not respect my boundaries which included no verbal contact and staying away from my residence.

While he seems to have given up on verbal contact, he frequently drives past my house, follows me in my car, and does just about anything he can to get my attention.  It's no accident -- it happens too often and reflects intention on his part.  While I've done everything that I can to avoid contact with him (we live in a very small community) to include changing my daily routine, he shows up in my neighborhood (sometimes daily) and makes his "presence" known outside my house.

While I don't feel physically threatened by him, I have to wonder why he wants my attention -- I give him none -- no eye contact, no response, no greetings, nothing.  My hope was he would get bored and would look for some other source of supply. This has been going on for almost 3 months now. Any ideas outside of involving law enforcement? Will he move on eventually on his own?

[mighty mouse]

Dear AZgirl,

Sure sounds like a stalker to me. I had to deal with my NPD sister stalking me so I did some research. She wasn't local so I dealt with phone block, email and  snail mail. I have heard that stalking is a feature of some NPDs.

antistalking.com is a web site that might help you. Good luck to you. Don't let him see you sweat. These creeps get off on making you afraid or upset.

MM

[flower]

azgirl
 This guys sounds creepy to me.
 ------------------------------------------------------

Thanks so much for your insight and support.
 It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
 
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven:  Ecclesiates 3:1

------------------------------------------------------------
It may be bothering him because you drew a line in the sand and he can't stand it. Sounds like he isn't staying away from your residence if he is making his presence known outside your home, and he is testing if you carry through with your threat of legal action.  I wonder how many feet  he gets close to your house.  It sounds too risky to try something new to discourage him with your behavior IMO. You might consider doing a legal action at this point. It looks like it is getting really weird from what you write.

 I feel for you.

[azgirl]

Thanks for the quick reply and link referral Mighty Mouse. Showing him a calm, cool and collected face, though inside I'm feeling quite unsettled about it.  -- azgirl

[write]

I'd talk to a lawyer, get him to send a formal letter requesting he does not approach your home or follow your car etc ( be specific )  and/ or take out an injunction.

Paedophiles tend to be very immature, he may not even realise what he is doing is unacceptable ( story of his life?...) and he will probably have minimised his sexually deviant actions so does not understand why you no longer want to be around him.

He will have been shunned and rejected by most everybody else, so maybe is clinging to you? Many paedophiles live in a semi-fantasy world, they believe all kinds of things but ignore obvious realities; unbelievably while following you around this guy might think he is having a relationship with you and actually be satisfying some of his needs via his fantasy.

[azgirl]

Thank you Flower, for your insight.  I'm not quite sure where to take it from here. One of my major concerns in taking this a step further is I live in a small town and the man I'm speaking of is, in spite of his criminal history, loved by many locals.  The father of the girl who filed the complaint was ostracized by our community during the man's incarceration.  The father lost work, was shunned and so on. I suppose one way of handling this outside local law enforcement would be to contact the N's probation officer and simply request that the N stay away from my neighborhood.

[shixie]

When I ended a 12 yr relationship with my N ex, he relentlessly called, emailed and had his friends and family call me.  I had met someone else and moved 700 miles away.  He threateded to come to where I moved to talk to me.  It made me an emotional wreck.  I eventually caved and said I would fly home to hear him out.  He picked me up at the airport and took me to Canada.  It was a yearly trip we always took and he had a deposit on the placed we stayed.  He didn't care what I wanted or what I had to say.  It was a nightmare.  I shudder just thinking about it again.  My future husband went through alot too.  It was so awful I won't go into anymore detail.  Now in retrospect, what was I thinking?  I am lucky I made it back alive.  He was a hunter and had a arsenal of guns and ammo.  It's scary to think about it.

[azgirl]

What is shocking, Write, is the N was not shunned by our community, rather he received an outpouring of support.  There was a 13 year age difference between the N and the victim.  She was 13 at the time and he was 26.  He is now in his 30's.  When the victim reported to her father what had happened when she was 13 and the father made the complaint last summer, to the dismay of many, the father of the girl and girl were shunned!  Upon his release, the community welcomed him back with open arms.  I agree with you that he is in effect having a "long distance" friendship with me and that the contact, even though it is limited, fulfills some fantasy on his part.

[Learning]

Hi Azgirl,

I don't know what exactly you should do because every case is different, but I thought I would share my experience with a N stalker.

Several years ago I filed a restraining order against my ex-sociopath (my therapist's opinion) boyfriend.  We had been broken up for about a year but were still in contact until one day he just showed up at my house.  On that day he became very insulting to me and I told him to leave.  I felt afraid of him.  He would not leave so I called the police.  He still wouldn't leave until he heard me report his name to the police.  Then he ran out of the door.  I tried my best to ignore him after that but the emails, phone calls, cards and gifts kept arriving.  I knew he had been by my house because he would place things in my mailbox.  Sometimes he would also show up at places (coffee house, bar) that I was at (and I don't live in a small town).

I became engaged to be married to my husband about a year and a half later and still the emails were coming.  He would write things that were trying to make me doubt my choice in a mate.  He had heard about my engagement and he knew people who knew my H.  Sometime after that, I decided to file a police report.

The most important thing in filing a restraining order is to have a record of events.  I had kept all of his emails and cards.  And I sent his gifts back (including an engagement ring) with a record of the item with the post office (I can't remember what that is called right now...sorry its late   ).  

He tried to fight the restraining order and had his shifty lawyer draw up a document with tons of lies trying to discredit me and a hearing date was set.  Since I had all my records, I drafted a 20 page reply to his lawyers bs.  I had to see him again in front of a judge and I was a wreck (thankfully I had my H with me), but I am glad I did it.  The judge did cancel the restraining order (because my ex convinced him that it would ruin his chance at volunteering at Big Brothers Big Sisters ...lie, lie, lie) but he did warn him that if he ever bothered me again, the order would immediately be reinstated.  That was 7 years ago and he has never bothered me again.

Azgirl, again...I don't know what is best for you to do...you need to judge that...but in my case, standing up for my rights worked.

Take care and Good Luck!

[write]

What is shocking, Write, is the N was not shunned by our community, rather he received an outpouring of support.

denial is so common, people want to believe what they want to believe...it's easier for people to believe what they want to be true, rather than looking at the facts.

How horrible for the young lady, and what a retrograde community; the days of women being blamed for assaults they suffer ought to be well gone.

[azgirl]

"Denial" is the keyword.  I think people had difficulty accepting the reality that one of their "own" had done this.  I also think the charm of some N's is refined to the point that people are willing to overlook the "other face".   That's what's scary about it.

[Anonymous]

While I don't feel physically threatened by him, I have to wonder why he wants my attention -- I give him none -- no eye contact, no response, no greetings, nothing.  My hope was he would get bored and would look for some other source of supply. This has been going on for almost 3 months now. Any ideas outside of involving law enforcement? Will he move on eventually on his own?

This guy is a pedophile - he pled guilty to the charges - hence, there is something seriously wrong with him. Hence you cannot assume he will move on out of boredom. The reasons he stalks you will likely remain a mystery, as he is mentally disturbed. The main thing is to protect yourself. Please go to the site MM listed or do an engine search on stalking. You may want to start a log of his appearances with dates, times and locations.

bunny

[azgirl]

Thanks again everyone for your input and support.  You might also find this site of interest:
www.stalkingbehavior.com

[Anonymous]

Another good resource is a book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

[nassim]

Az girl,

I read your post last week and was concerned about you.

Are you still being stalked? Give us an update.

Nassim