Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Does the N ever receive HER just deserts?
surviver:
I found this site about a month ago. I am a male surviver of an 8 yr. relationship (w/2 engagement phases) with an abusive female somatic N. She was picture perfect at the beginning. The first half of the relationship we were very long distance..seeing each other 6 nights per month. The extended honeymoon was grand, and I never picked up the signals or clues to her NPD or her abusivness and destructive nature. When I moved back home and proposed to her ...she within weeks started to dynamite and sabotage the relationship, criticize me, my kids, my entire life in general, she honestly tried to destroy me. I was always trying to figure out what happened, what was going on here, i used to get the worst headaches and I was always so damn confused. She convinced me that our problems were because of me, my kids, my x wife, yet I knew that they were not, yet I succombed to her abuse, for I was afraid to lose her...She did the push pull and it went on (i unfortunately allowed it) for almost 4 years, we must have pushed pulled - on again off again over 100 times...from 2 days apart, to three months, it was insane, I was insane for tolerating it. I finally somehow had the energy left in me to end it and throw her out of my home, we were engaged at the time. Within 1 week she found a newly separtated man and moved in with him. I was stunned beyond my own ability to believe it....I went into PTSD and it lasted for almost 4 months, no sleep, high anxiety, horrible dreams...to whole terrible process. I found a website for CP and Narcissism and was floored with what I found. I was sick to my stomach coming to the realization that I was a victum of the darkest form of abuse imaginable to the loving human soul and loving heart of a man.
It has been 8 months now of hard work and healing. Even with the news of her new found man, I never made contact with her. I knew I had to run to save my life. Everything is clear now, I am about 95% clear of the greiving...still have a little residual to get through.....but the bottom line is I now know the TRUTH about her, I known that she will never change and that all her relationships regardless of the image she tries to portray them in are all just big complete LIES...and I thank GOD to this day that he never answered my prayers to marry this woman.
So one of my final questions is: Do the N's ever get what's coming to them? i.e. what goes around comes around?
Would love to hear the thoughts and experience from this board.
Jaded911:
Hi surviver,
You asked this million dollar question:
So one of my final questions is: Do the N's ever get what's coming to them? i.e. what goes around comes around?
I personally feel that they do not get half of the pain, abuse, confusion, nor the emotional scars that they dish out to everyone who crosses their paths. I think these people spend their hole lives trying to find the perfect mate, the perfect job, the perfect kids, the perfect you name it. They are on a constant search for happiness. Expecting others to make them happy, when all the while they are so miserable inside that they just think the whole world sucks and that nobody is capable of holding up to their end of the bargain. Well, the way I finally figured out that a relationship with a N was a losing deal is when I thought to myself, damn Mindy, youre losing yourself in this realtionship, he is draining everything from you. Ahha, if you have a checking account, you have to deposit from time to time to keep it afloat. If you constantly withdraw and do not deposit, eventually you overdraw.
The N just kept taking those funds out of my heart and soul. He never once thought that he should deposit in my emotional bank. Eventually you begin to lose touch with reality and you begin to believe that maybe it is you. Maybe you did say the things they said you did, maybe you did give them that shitty look or the tone in your voice was harsh, so maybe they did have the right to jump you about something you did or said.
I finally wised up one day and the second he began his chit, I turned on a recorder. I ended up leaving the house and drove to the nearest parking lot and I just sat and listened to your argument. I was shocked. I heard every dang way of manipulation possible from him. It amazes me that N actually attempt, and succeed at times, to twist minds the way they do.
You mentioned that within a short amount of time, your ex-N had shacked up with another man. All I have to say is, if he thinks he has himself a winner, ummm, you came out the winner here. I hope that you dont for one minute think that she has changed for him. Their relationship is hunky dorey because you know better. I mean for god sake, how deeply could you love someone if you have the ability to walk away and not blink an eye. Love is a very deep thing and to N love is only a word to use when they need to manipulate. Their relationship is probably rapidly going down hill just the way yours did. I would venture to bet that one day you will get a call from that dude. He will call to get your input on the mac truck that just plowed him over like she did you.
Congratulations on your recovery. It is a long, hard process but you know, you gain so much insight during that time. I always tried to think of a word that would best describe what it would be like to be a N. The best word I could come up with was PURGATORY. I actually looked up the true definition and lord and behold, this is what I found.
"a place or state of temporary suffering or misery "
Replace that temporary with permanent and it pretty much describes the turmoil they have constantly. So to answer your question, your ex-N already did get what comes around goes around, she lost you, so the only loser there was her, you walked away like a big fat cat. She will live a life of hell inside her head, that seems like a pretty good come around to me.
You will find that special lady that gives back as much as you give. I know it seems hard to imagine right now, but there are good people out there and you just happened to find a rotten apple. That only makes the perfect woman more perfect. If you never experience sadness, how would you ever know how wonderful happiness feels? :wink:
surviver:
Hey Jaded...thank you, your response was awesome and dead on in point and fact.
I sincerely appreciate your comments
:-)
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: surviver ---So one of my final questions is: Do the N's ever get what's coming to them? i.e. what goes around comes around?
--- End quote ---
Their lives are miserably unhappy, confused, chaotic, there is no joy. And they don't know what true achievement feels like. So I would say that they are continually getting what's coming to them. If you want to know whether she will be punished specifically for her behavior toward you, who knows. The best revenge is for you to get happiness out of your life.
bunny
Jaded911:
TY surviver. I know it is very hard to gather up all of the information about the events that took place with her, also about NPD to put them all together in order to figure out what in the hell just happened to you. It took me weeks just to stop crying and then months to figure out which way was up. This board allowed me to have the sense to realize that it was not me and that everything that i had experienced with my N was right on Q with everyone else who has experienced this frazzle.
Nobody can make the pain go away. There isnt a word that anybody could whisper that would make sense of it all because you just have to grasp it first, then let reality set in, then move the hell way beyond it. So many people told me that they had never seen me so vulnerable, sad, confused, and ya know what, its because I had never been before that time in my life. Did any of your friends or family suggest you just quickly move on and forget she ever existed??? Mine sure did. I cant tell you how many people would tell me to just forget about him, hes not worth it. Ya they were right, lol, he wasnt worth the crying, nerve stimulating experience that I went through but I gained so so much insight about myself. The N that was in my life, well thats another story and it is very, very long and I could raise alot of eyebrows with it, but I am not ready to head down that road yet.
You keep plugging along and surround yourself with those who truly care about you. It might be little comfort, but atleast its comfort. I dumped alot of friends over this incident. I had some that just had to do the "I told you so" thing. Screw that, lol, had enough of that with him. Any person that could say that at a time like that, who needs um anyway. Love and support is what got me through the ordeal. Nobody had to tell me the "I told you so's" I already figured it out but just didnt not have the emotional strength to do what I should have done.
Oh what a tangled web they weave, when N practice to deceive. Hey, that actually can be my new motto!! :lol:
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