Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Does the N ever receive HER just deserts?
surviver:
Dear Bunny and Jaded
Thank you again for your replys, I appreciate your wisdom very much.
It is such a shocking reality when it finally hits you. I remain surprised with myself that when I was in the middle of this toxic relationship, always trying to figure out what was wrong with me, my life, my kids, shutting off all communication with my x wife to the detriment of my children...all for the N, that I never once inquired with the web to ask "what's going on here". Although, my sisters knew and they tried to tell me several times to "loose her fast..she's a sick woman" I obviously and unfortunatley ignored them.....I simply had no idea what narcissism really and truly was nor had i any idea about commitmentpobia.....it was all stunning to me.
One of the most difficult components of the healing proicess for me has been overcoming the self-doubt that I somehow developed. I have NEVER had an issue with self doubt in my life. So when she bolted with the new guy..I was so beaten up and depleted that I immediately said to myself...she has the perfect situation now...away from me and all my burdens....then I found the website for CP and narcissism...and like the GOD send that it was...I realized how I had been so horribly abused by her. It literally shook me. I then did a lot of research on PTSD, and the first thing that you read is PTSD does not happen unless a traumatic physical event has occurred or sustained emotional abuse has occurred. I was the later.
What a head trip this has been. Thank you all for listening to yet another N game and victim.
Just a double check question...has what I have portrayed to you on this site typify the N abuse and destruction of relationships that you all have experienced?
Best to you all
shixie:
Do they get what they deserve? I personally feel they deserve to be alone so they can not hurt anyone. In my case that is pretty much what happened. With my father, who was completely incapable of taking care of himself, lost first his family. Then the house which he refused to give half to my mom when she left. He never took care of it anyway. Then his health with COPD and chirrosis, from years of smoking and drinking. Any friends he had, either felt sorry for him or disgusted by his bitter stories, spent minimal time if any with him. He ended up living in a hotel and died there a bitter, sick and lonely old man.
With my ex, within 5 years of leaving him died from cancer. I feel sorry for his son, who cared for him and believed all of his lies. His daughter was estranged from him. His house fell into disrepair. His lies and bitterness continued. I asked his daughter if he wanted to make peace with me before he died. She said he didn't. At first I was hurt, but not anymore. He didn't have an opportunity to pour salt into my still open wounds. I feel sorry for his kids. They're left to pick up their lives. But at least he can not create any new damage. In a strange way I felt relief after they died.
Jaded911:
Hi surviver,
"Just a double check question...has what I have portrayed to you on this site typify the N abuse and destruction of relationships that you all have experienced? "
You described perfectly what most experience as a result of a relationship with a N. I found one thing fascinating that you wrote about. PTSD is a common side effect that occurs with a Narcissitic relationship. I also experienced this and it took me awhile to realize what it was that I was experiencing despite my medical background.
As you also mentioned, my self worth began to be questioned by myself. Even though I have a very skilled profession (I am a trauma flight nurse), I began to wonder if I was worth anything, if I was only acting the role of a worthy human being. I think back to times when my N would say, oh you think youre so F"N smart dont you, well your smarts aint gotcha nowhere, cause youre a wanna be." Ummmm, a wanna be what is what I always wondered. I just didnt know how to put all of this crap in its proper place. I remember thinking at the time, huh, I believe it is you who wanna be something so you try to knock me down to your level.
I am schooling right now for my masters in forensics. He used to tell me that I was so so so selfish because all I ever did was study. In a heated arguement, he told me I would do great with working with dead people because I was a cold Fn you know what. That was because I wouldnt agree to forget all of the horrible things he had said to me during an attack, and I wouldnt fall graciously into his love shack that night.
It came to a point and I decided to not put up with his verbal or emotional abuse. I began to throw back hurtful things and man oh man did the chit hit the fan. Got my rib broke over one encounter with him. Even after all of that, I could not find the ability to get the hell out of dodge. I had alot of factors that differed from yours. My main reasoning for staying was he had a 5 yr old precious little girl who I had raised for 2 1/2 yrs. I just couldnt pull myself away from this little girl who came to know me as her mommy. I fought like hell for her and continued to do so after the relationship ended. I often wonder why I couldnt realize that enough was enough and it was time to save my own soul.
That actually refers to the post about normal mothering. I loved that little girl as much as I love my own children so I toughed out what I had to in order for her to have hopes and dreams. So I have no regrets about how long or why I stayed for so long. I gave her love which allowed her to dare to dream of a good future.
The only thing I believe that differs between folks that have been through a N encounter is the amount of will and the ability of each individual to move emotionally and mentally on. I have fought many battles in my life to get where I was before I met him. I just happened to have a tremendous amount of determination and stubbornous. I was not about to let this man hold me in this mental hell 4-ever.
Following our breakup, I realized I had to do what I needed to do to guarantee that precious little girls safety. I went through great measures to ensure that her safety would be maintained. Heck, LOL, he even went as far as attempting to put a restraining order on me. I had 2 choices at that point. #1-I could walk away with the damage he had caused me in order to preserve what was left of me, or #2-The same as number 1 only I had to also fight for a little girl who had every damn right to live a happy, safe, and stable emotional life. I chose #2 and fought my ars off for her. This through him into a crisis as some N can have happen. I read up on everything and by golly, I mean even how to handle a N with success while seeking revenge.
LOL, I betcha he didnt know this dog's bite could be so harsh. I was like a pitbull and I wouldnt change a thing about it.
The damage that these relationships cause can be a wonderful learning experience about yourself. I had to see it this way or he would have won. He would have trapped me into this emotional hell 4-ever. It wasnt worth it to me to give him what he had been seeking during the entire relationship. I finally realize that his intentions were to drag me into his mental hell. Ummm, no thank you! I would rather die an old maid then to ever ever ever ever let this happen to me again. My determination and will to live was way to strong to allow someone else to stomp it out. :twisted:
Journaling helped me so much. I look back at some of my writings and I see a person that I dont even recognize. I see an addict in some of writings. Well hells bells, having addictions hurts noone but the addict. Over time the real Mindy began to surface in my journaling. It was such a bittersweet feeling but then I would rather have that then to just plain ole stay bitter.
You seem like you are way on your way to finding the old you. I meant the old you who is wiser.
Psssssss........Hi bunny!!!!!!!!!!!! :wink:
shixie:
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone, if I did. Was the addict remark about my post? N's frequently have substance abuse problems from what I have read. They hurt more than themselves, they destroy families. Its a double injury. Even if you take the alcohol away they still have NPD. I too am hoping to find answers in my writing.
Anonymous:
Shixie,
I had to read your post about 7 times to try to find something that would or could offend anyone. Hun, I can only speak for myself here, but I did not see one thing that could possibly upset me. Only thing that upset me was that I had to read it 7 times without my glasses, lol. They were upstairs and to be quite honest about it, I was bein lazy.
You know Shix, the good thing about this world is that no matter who you try to please, there is absolutely no way of pleasin um all. You shared your experience and by gosh I believe that is what this message board is all about. Sharing your experiences and finally finding what it is that you had been searching for your entire lifetime. That would be gaining your own voice.
I have read some things on this board that I do not necessarity agree with but I am an adult and I realize that everyone has the right to voice their own opinions. If you want to know something, pssst, you are exactly right about the addictions that some N individuals have. I believe alcohol, drugs, sex, abusive patters, etc. are just a way of dealing with, or should I say not dealing with their anger and the ghosts that haunt them from within.
I guess then if anyone was offended by your statement, they are only denying what most experts state.
I hope Im the one that doesnt offend anyone with my statements, lol. But then again, that wouldnt be the first time and it aint gonna be the last. But as the old saying goes "Opinions are like arsholes, everyone has one, its just a matter of knowing when to share it that counts."
Kudos to you expressing how you feel!!
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