Does the N ever receive HER just deserts?

[Anonymous]

when I lived with that woman she'd ignore everything I said and tell me " what was best" for me. If I said anything she didn't like she always had the " you have no feelings anyway" reply, even though I was in full blown mourning for all the friends I'd lest in England. I felt like I'd died, but she kept putting the boot in. The thing is, I believe I have some major issues, but after 4 yrs of her I didn't know which way was up anymore. Now I think I'm just like her, except that I'm the passive version to her aggressive version.

This woman was obviously manipulative and a horror to live with. Unfortunately she traumatized you further.

I don't know... I see other people, and they are happy and loving and I'm just negative and afraid - aarghhhh!

What makes you think people are so happy? Most of them are not.

As for the depersonalistaion, what happens is that I have a different persona for different people, and that's something I've had for yrs. If i was in a room with my ex, my school friends and my family I'd literally go nuts. With my ex, who was very loving and kind but needing a little reassurance Inormal) I' d be overly critical, distant, dismissive. With his friends I was catatonic or extremely restless. And NEVER talked about what I was actually feeling at the time...

hmm, this isn't depersonalisation as I understand it. My understanding of it is a state where one feels unreal and can't access reality as we usually know it. What you're describing doesn't sound quite like that, but more like turning off your real self and feeling numb, frozen, or possibly enraged or hostile.

If you're dishing out s*** to people whom you feel don't deserve it, you can absolutely work on that.

bunny

[sidney]

Sorry but I think this thread has gotten way off the original topic.


Clueless,

I do beleive you have a right to be angry. But not to dole out s**t as you say. Sometimes we need to require more of ourselves.

Yes. That's a judgement. I'm not trying to be a contrarian. It's just a thought that will possibly get you out of your current mode of thinking. It sounds like you need to read about setting boundries so people won't run over you.

You could start a new thread also.

Sid

[Anonymous]

sidney,

As I recall, I believe that it was clueless speaking his peace.  Why in the hell you thought you could dictate the course of the thread is beyond me.  You know what, if you think it is getting way out of hand, then perhaps you should pass this one up.

You sounded bossy and very very insensitive on your post.

[Anonymous]

Hey all,

I don't like dishing out s**t to people, so I try not to.  What do you do? I LEFT MY EX because i was HURTING HIM. He was VERY sad, his friends thought I should "try harder" and everyone STILL thinks I'm insensitive and cruel. What should I have done? keep on hurting someone AND myself?

Talking about these things on this board has been a REAL help to me, and I'm going to go into therapy again and hope that helps more this time. As for the thread getting out of hand, I'm sorry about that, but I was just repying to people who replied to me.

[Anonymous]

I don't like dishing out s**t to people, so I try not to.  What do you do? I LEFT MY EX because i was HURTING HIM. He was VERY sad, his friends thought I should "try harder" and everyone STILL thinks I'm insensitive and cruel. What should I have done? keep on hurting someone AND myself?

Hi Clueless,

It is okay to end a relationship that has become miserable, dead-end, etc. If you were unhappy, with almost no hope for improvement, it may be the best thing to end it. However, if you made a sacrifice based on his friends' opinions, that's another story. And if your ex was so sad, he could have ended the relationship. Apparently he didn't choose to do that.

Ignore that other poster. He sounds like a troublemaker/disrupter.

bunny

[sidney]

Actually I'm not a disrupter. I had something valid to say. Like all of you I have spent a lifetime being invalididated. But one thing I have learned is that getting healthier means being able to take constructive input.

I didn't say you "liked" doling out s**t. Only that you have the power to choose not to do it. And that in not doing it, you would have to require more of yourself.

You also have the power to start a new thread. Just a suggestion.

Sid

[Anonymous]

You also have the power to start a new thread. Just a suggestion.

Why don't you start one, if this tangent disturbs you?

bunny

[Anonymous]

Actually I'm not a disrupter. I had something valid to say. Like all of you I have spent a lifetime being invalididated. But one thing I have learned is that getting healthier means being able to take constructive input.

My impression here is, "You should be able to 'take' constructive criticism (aka 'input') from me." I don't believe this stance is helpful. You'd need a lot more trust and credibility to give this advice. One person's "constructive input" is not another person's idea of constructive input. And she doesn't have to take anything from anyone. So while your philosophy may be sound, your way of saying it seems too critical.

bunny

[sidney]

I am gonna move on. I don't want to give this person any more Nsupply. I think you should read between the lines of the posts. Blaming people, doling out s**t. Maybe we should stop trying to convince her she isn't an N. We aren't therapists. My N blamed everyone but the fridge, complained ceaslessly and doled out a lot of s**t. I do hope clueless gets the help she wants/needs.

Thanks.

Sid

[Anonymous]

Whoa guys!

Didn't mean to cause all this trouble... Sid has a point about requiring more from self. Am still working on it. As for ex, broke up cause I couldn't communicate, NOT cause of his friends. Hope no one too upset, didn't mean for things to get ugly.

[Anonymous]

I am gonna move on. I don't want to give this person any more Nsupply. I think you should read between the lines of the posts. Blaming people, doling out s**t. Maybe we should stop trying to convince her she isn't an N. We aren't therapists. My N blamed everyone but the fridge, complained ceaslessly and doled out a lot of s**t. I do hope clueless gets the help she wants/needs.

Thanks.

Sid

Maybe you're confusing Clueless with your ex. I think Clueless is blaming herself for almost everything. And I don't see her doling out s*** on this group or blaming anyone. No one is trying to convince her of what she is, or is not.

bunny

[sidney]

Bunny,

Please be clear about a few things that are apparently assumed. First of all I'm not a guy and my N is not an ex. And I wasn't the one who said CL doled out the s**t..she did. I didn't say she directed it at anybody here.

As far as blaming - the roomate (why live with this for 4 years?) if she was so bad, other people telling her she has no feelings (I heard blaming there, sorry).

I heard red flags. I think we should be circumspect about drawing Ns into this group. She keeps insisting she's an N. I don't know and neither do you. I just think a constant stream of commisseration isn't helpful to anyone here at times when the person is a bottomless pit (as my N was but i'm not getting them confused). If she is an N, I'm sure she has gotten what she wanted to from this infighting (needless infighting I might add). I am sorry if I sound critical. I'm just waaaaay over this. Post on if you like. I shouldn't have responded to you and won't again...my bad.

And hey, what's ugly about a spirited discussion? I'm not mad. And I can live with whatever take you have on things. But it's different than mine...even my way of expression.

Sid

[Anonymous]

Hi surviver,

"Just a double check question...has what I have portrayed to you on this site typify the N abuse and destruction of relationships that you all have experienced? "

You described perfectly what most experience as a result of a relationship with a N.  I found one thing fascinating that you wrote about.  PTSD is a common side effect that occurs with a Narcissitic relationship.  I also experienced this and it took me awhile to realize what it was that I was experiencing despite my medical background.

As you also mentioned, my self worth began to be questioned by myself.  Even though I have a very skilled profession (I am a trauma flight nurse), I began to wonder if I was worth anything, if I was only acting the role of a worthy human being.  I think back to times when my N would say, oh you think youre so F"N smart dont you, well your smarts aint gotcha nowhere, cause youre a wanna be."    Ummmm, a wanna be what is what I always wondered.  I just didnt know how to put all of this crap in its proper place.  I remember thinking at the time, huh, I believe it is you who wanna be something so you try to knock me down to your level.

I am schooling right now for my masters in forensics.  He used to tell me that I was so so so selfish because all I ever did was study.  In a heated arguement, he told me I would do great with working with dead people because I was a cold Fn you know what.  That was because I wouldnt agree to forget all of the horrible things he had said to me during an attack, and I wouldnt fall graciously into his love shack that night.

It came to a point and I decided to not put up with his verbal or emotional abuse.  I began to throw back hurtful things and man oh man did the chit hit the fan.  Got my rib broke over one encounter with him.  Even after all of that, I could not find the ability to get the hell out of dodge.  I had alot of factors that differed from yours.  My main reasoning for staying was he had a 5 yr old precious little girl who I had raised for 2 1/2 yrs.  I just couldnt pull myself away from this little girl who came to know me as her mommy.  I fought like hell for her and continued to do so after the relationship ended.  I often wonder why I couldnt realize that enough was enough and it was time to save my own soul.  

That actually refers to the post about normal mothering.  I loved that little girl as much as I love my own children so I toughed out what I had to in order for her to have hopes and dreams.  So I have no regrets about how long or why I stayed for so long.  I gave her love which allowed her to dare to dream of a good future.

The only thing I believe that differs between folks that have been through a N encounter is the amount of will and the ability of each individual to move emotionally and mentally on.  I have fought many battles in my life to get where I was before I met him.  I just happened to have a tremendous amount of determination and stubbornous.  I was not about to let this man hold me in this mental hell 4-ever.

Following our breakup, I realized I had to do what I needed to do to guarantee that precious little girls safety.  I went through great measures to ensure that her safety would be maintained.  Heck, LOL, he even went as far as attempting to put a restraining order on me.  I had 2 choices at that point.  #1-I could walk away with the damage he had caused me in order to preserve what was left of me, or #2-The same as number 1 only I had to also fight for a little girl who had every damn right to live a happy, safe, and stable emotional life.  I chose #2 and fought my ars off for her.  This through him into a crisis as some N can have happen.  I read up on everything and by golly, I mean even how to handle a N with success while seeking revenge.  

LOL, I betcha he didnt know this dog's bite could be so harsh.  I was like a pitbull and I wouldnt change a thing about it.

The damage that these relationships cause can be a wonderful learning experience about yourself.  I had to see it this way or he would have won.  He would have trapped me into this emotional hell 4-ever.  It wasnt worth it to me to give him what he had been seeking during the entire relationship.  I finally realize that his intentions were to drag me into his mental hell.  Ummm, no thank you!  I would rather die an old maid then to ever ever ever ever let this happen to me again.  My determination and will to live was way to strong to allow someone else to stomp it out.

Journaling helped me so much.  I look back at some of my writings and I see a person that I dont even recognize.  I see an addict in some of writings.  Well hells bells, having addictions hurts noone but the addict.  Over time the real Mindy began to surface in my journaling.  It was such a bittersweet feeling but then I would rather have that then to just plain ole stay bitter.

You seem like you are way on your way to finding the old you.  I meant the old you who is wiser.  

Psssssss........Hi bunny!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was stunned beyond my own ability to believe it....I went into PTSD and it lasted for almost 4 months, no sleep, high anxiety, horrible dreams...to whole terrible process. I found a website for CP and Narcissism and was floored with what I found. I was sick to my stomach coming to the realization that I was a victum of the darkest form of abuse imaginable to the loving human soul and loving heart of a man

How well I know that feeling, the nausea and feeling of lead in the bottom of the stomach.

I was given a medical leave from work for three months because of the depression, and that was after four months of living much as you described, and a close shave with driving myself into a tree. I was also diagnosed with PTSD.

I am going on my 11th month of therapy. Every time I think I am getting better, he is back, somehow or another into my life--either at meetings or postings online or someway.

It helps to read of others experiences...thanks..

fiddlinblues

[Anonymous]

Please be clear about a few things that are apparently assumed. First of all I'm not a guy and my N is not an ex. And I wasn't the one who said CL doled out the s**t..she did. I didn't say she directed it at anybody here.

My apologies for the misconceptions. Since Clueless doesn't dole out s*** here, it's possible she isn't doling it out anywhere. Some people imagine they're much worse than they are. If she is doling out bad treatment, she can get help for that, and she intends to. So what is the problem.

As far as blaming - the roomate (why live with this for 4 years?) if she was so bad, other people telling her she has no feelings (I heard blaming there, sorry).

There are many reasons for people to remain in abusive situations. Being told "you have no feelings" is not an accurate assessment, but an attack.

 

I heard red flags. I think we should be circumspect about drawing Ns into this group. She keeps insisting she's an N. I don't know and neither do you. I just think a constant stream of commisseration isn't helpful to anyone here at times when the person is a bottomless pit (as my N was but i'm not getting them confused). If she is an N, I'm sure she has gotten what she wanted to from this infighting (needless infighting I might add). I am sorry if I sound critical. I'm just waaaaay over this. Post on if you like. I shouldn't have responded to you and won't again...my bad.

I don't believe we are "drawing N's into the group." She is not insisting she is a narcissist, she is *afraid* she is one (totally different thing).  I'm glad you're way over this and farewell.

bunny

[Portia]

Clueless, I just read this thread afresh and wanted to pop back and say: from reading here, you didn’t cause any trouble at all. I don’t think anyone’s upset and it doesn’t look ugly to me, just a usual board exchange, really. No big deal.

What did you think of bunny’s comments:

hmm, this isn't depersonalisation as I understand it. My understanding of it is a state where one feels unreal and can't access reality as we usually know it. What you're describing doesn't sound quite like that, but more like turning off your real self and feeling numb, frozen, or possibly enraged or hostile.
If you're dishing out s*** to people whom you feel don't deserve it, you can absolutely work on that.

? I agree with the “turning off your real self”. How did you feel/react to what bunny said? P