I just have to write what is going on with me b/c this is my therapy for finding my voice. My voice is so precious to me. Please don't think that I am losing it. Expressing yourself is a way to GET whole. It is a way to bring the inside pain OUT and dispel it. That is my goal---little by little ---find my voice(self)
I went to a party last night. Prior to my 'falling in love"experience,I used to have good energy. Since it,I don't ----at all. I didn't want to go b/c I was too tired,but my H would not "hear of it".
One thing that I could see was that I am much more 'alive".. I can "feel" on all levels,. I got back my "animal instincts' and I can feel out situations and people like I used to...
I was talking to my friend. I was telling her about the board and how I FINALLY started healing from my M. She told me countless times to "get over it." What else CAN you say to s/one who is suffering.I told her how I finally am starting to feel like I can "live"
When, I got home , I had the feeling that I COULD go "out of my mind'
I recently "saw" my M ,in my mind's eye. I "saw" the blank face. I "saw" the deadness. I KNEW that it was no joke. She really and truly was the "walking dead"
I saw from all my attempts to "swim"up from the layers of lies that she REALLY can't help it. I asked that question on a thread when I first came on the board. We, ALL, ask that question. "Can the NPD help it?
I have the answer,for me and it is ,"No."
I could not help being lost under layers of lies either.
So, I am grieving a death,in a way. That is part of WHY I am so exhausted ,I think.
My whole life was oriiented to HER, to make her love me. HOW was I going to do it?---marry the right person, look good enough, be smart enough.Always trying to get the brass ring.
I see now, after a year on the board that she CAN"T give me the brass ring b/c she doesn't have it for herself ..So, that is the end of the story with her.
It has taken many "moaning' posts to face the truth about her.
Now,I am back to me. How am I going to go on from here.?
I was looking at all the people at the party--eating.I thought that they can "nurture" themselves, why not me?
So, the whole saga of my punishing myself is over,I think.
I couldn't make my M O.K.. I punished myself for it . Now, I have come to the end of the road. She is NOT OK.
Now, I have to built my 'bombed out' self back---little by little. I got my animal instincts back,so that will help. Those instinct were what helped me hang on to my voice,as long as I did as a child. At some point,I couldn't hang on anymore .
The 'falling in love " thing. I wanted to tell my friend WHAT was wrong with me. I have known her for over 20 years. I couldn't . I was so weak and tired that I wondered ,"Am I losing my mind or getting it back?"
Ami.
