confronting

[janisty07]

I know that a n prob will never say they are sorry.  But i feel like in order for me to somehow get some kind of closure in order to move on~ I need for her to at least acknowledge what it is she has done, or what it is that I feel like she has done to me.
Because of her n rage tenancies, how to I get it across to her, if given the chance?

[Hopalong]

Hi Jan,

Here's the thing about

I need for her to at least acknowledge

I think you can change where you are and clear the way to heal if you try reframing it:

I want her to at least acknowledge...

This is something you can take care of without any cooperation from her at all. Like, being alone and being very honest and very clear and very heartfelt. Even alone and out loud, just telling the truth, with deep honesty:

I WANT HER TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT! I WANT HER TO OWN IT! I WANT HER TO BE ACCOUNTABLE IN SOME SMALL WAY! i WANT HER TO LOOK AT ME AND SAY, I'M SORRY, I KNOW I DAMAGED YOU. I WANT HER TO DO THAT. I WANT HER TO!

Just keep saying that, yelling or weeping or muttering it and say it as long as you need to until you can't say it again. Give it all the time it takes. And then say:

But she won't. So if I want to be happy, my next choice is _______

And just make a choice. Small or large.

To get myself a cup of tea.
To go for a walk.
To write a note to a friend.
To join a choir
To plan a trip.
To make some soup.

Whatever it is, when you feel your frustration over it not being acknowledged by the perpetrator, you can repeat it. Just say, I WANT HER TO! But she won't. So if I want to be happy, my next choice is ________.

That's my Rx, for what it's worth.
Do you think that might help?

hope so,
Hopalong

[janisty07]

Thanks,  I get it..  I can't make her do anything.  I have to change the way I look at it.  What can I do for me. 
I guess the best thing I can do for me is really realize that I can't ever make her take responsibity for her actions.  But I can take responsibility for mine. 

[SilverLining]

Ditto what Hops said..

If you HAVE to have her acknowledge what she has done, then you are stuck and she still has you in her grip.  She might give you what you think you need, but if she is an N it could be just a lie to keep you in the game.  If she refuses to give you what you think you need, then it's more fuel for you to feel bad.  Either way you really can't win. 

 

[Leah]

Ditto ditto what Hops and tjr100 said


Personally, truly worked for me.  What I did, finally, was let go of the need and simply replaced it with the want

I expressed the want --- typed it all out in a letter, printed the letter off, then read it out loud, then watched it process through the shredder.

And went for a lovely long walk   

Quite a number of N's in my shredder!! 

Love, Leah