Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Feeling Lost

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bunny:
Yuki,

Considering what happened earlier, it's going to take some time to rediscover your self / identity. It's a process and a journey and we can't rush a journey or we'll get a speeding ticket.  :wink: I do understand that you'd like to enjoy life and it's tedious to still be depressed.

Here are two books that helped me get to know my self:

"Writing Down The Bones" by Natalie Goldberg

"The New Diary" by Tristine Rainer

They're both available as used books on amazon.com (cheap!), and I'm sure they're also at the library.

bunny

Spirit:

--- Quote from: yuki --- My parents are the type that... if I'd had cancer, I'd have gotten the best medical treatment possible no matter what it cost. But, if I hated life and hated myself and was emotionally suffering every single day... that was ok. It didn't matter. It meant nothing.

Thanks for reading.
Yuki
--- End quote ---


Hi Yuki,

I can very well relate to how you feel. It is the same with my parents. When my grades were going down my dad took me to the GP and had my entire body tested.. but my emotional welbeing? thats something I was expected to sacrifice for their sake.

I too had and still do have insecurities of seeking attention, and am even watchfull of not trying to post too many posts etc. Also like you said I got some personality issues that need sorting out too.

I think it is such a nice thing that this board is there, where shy people or people who feel a bit ( or very much ) insecure/uncertain/confused.. call it whatever you want can come out and say out and share our experiences without being criticised or being judged.

Ah.. I know.. I think that somehow people even here would judge me, and I would be lower tha nthe lowest here etc etc.. but I think there are people here who would even relate to that too :wink: So hey.. feel free to post.. I certainly am in the same boat !

Looking forward to hearing more from you

keeping the spirit :)

Michelle:
Hi Yuki -

Welcome to you - I am very proud of you for making this first step, unfortunately it is a hard and painful one.  We have all been through the first step - some of us are very close to where you are now.  Our stories are different, but surprisingly similar too.  I only started my healing about 7 weeks ago now, and I feel like I am finally seeing a little light in my darkness.  Hold on, Yuki.  It will get better for you.  It started getting better for me when I stopped wavering on my decisions regarding my n mother and sticking to what I really wanted and needed to do for myself and myself only.  We are all behind you here and support you.  We are here to listen and offer our support.  I hope you will start to see the light soon - don't give up.  

Lots of healing hugs,
Michelle

yuki:
You're all so great. :) :) :) You've given me a lot to think about. I'm going to need a little time to process it all before I can reply to it.

I realized something. I've let my thoughts get very judgemental and critical of myself. I'm obsessing too much about my problems and how to fix them all. It just snowballs and gets worse and worse and overwhelms me. I actually went through this about 6 months ago too... I ended up teaching myself how to think differently and how to concentrate on taking small, healthy steps. I was so proud of myself for doing that and it was going really well for a few months. I've gradually slid back into the old habit (now that I look at it, I can see the things that happened to put me back into an old way of thinking). I need to go back through the process of changing my thinking again. I got out the journal that I was writing in the first time I did it so I can remember what I did. See, the conclusion that I came to last time is that this frantic, judgemental way of thinking isn't really even 'mine' - it's something I learned from my mom. It doesn't do me any good either, it just makes me panicky. I need to get rid of it before I can do anything else.

Thanks for making me feel so welcome. :)

Yuki

Jaded:
Yuki,

One thing that always helps me calm myself down when I am in the public eye is that I think to myself, nobody knows what is going on inside my head while I am panicking.  They can not sense it unless I show it so I think to myself I just need to stop, slow it down, process my thoughts, and don't appear outwardly like a deer in the headlights.  

For example:  I am a trauma flight nurse.  There are many times that we land at a site and complete panic and fear takes over me because there is so much information  for me to process in such a very short time.  Then throw on top of that the shock of what I see sometimes.  I know there have been times that the deer in the headlight look must have shown on my face, but ya know, I have seen that look on others faces too and I really just had to learn to not be so hard on myself.  I had to think that not everyone is focussed on me in this world.  Not that I am N, it is that we worry so much that everything we do or say is being monitored by someone because thats what our N did to us.  We get into those habits and it took me awhile to realize that most normal Joe Blows could care less what I say or what my tone is, how my expressions are.  

Its hell monitoring your words, tone, facial expressions 24 hours aday, 7 days a week.  Once I begin to think to myself and I begin to take control of my thought processes, I can feel my self regaining control.  Youre doing the right thing by learning your thoughts and behavioural patterns.  Only you can tell you how you truly feel.

People have a defense mechanism that is designed to protect them emotionally and physically.  It is called the "fight or flight mode."  Yuki, if you look up the mechanisms for the fight or flight mode, you will find some of the reasons why you are suffereing with panic attacks, overwhelming sensations, etc.  Growing up under the iron fists of a N makes little innocent children experience the fight or flight proccesses.  It is not healthy on your body to be in a constant F or F mode.  

This safety mechanism is designed to provide us with the ability to battle or get the heck out of dodge.  It can save you when a crisis develops or it can kill you because it is stress factor on your body.  Emotional crisis can trigger this and so can some diseases.  My daughter has a disease that puts her in this mode and im tellin ya it just tears the hell out of your body.

Yuki, your N is not monitoring your every move right now.  Its just you babe.  You can sit up until 3 in the morning eating twinkies if you want to, you can smile if you want to, and you can continue to find the you who is dying to come out.  When that you does come out, the N wont even recognize it because she doesnt even know who the real you is.  Shes never met you, she only knows the you she tried molding  you to be.  Go with your natural instincts and your thoughts, not what the N tried pounding into you.  If they new how to be great people in this society I could understand them trying to train or teach us.  I am thinking then that obviously they dont have that ability or they wouldnt be N then would they.  

You keep retraining yourself and you will reep the rewards.   :D

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