my father is n too!

[janisty07]

I have been banging my head against the wall for so long now trying to figure out where my n sister gets it from.  Upon further conversations with my mom, we've finally figured it out that my father is very n too.  He is a very quiet man normally, but I've seen so many n traits in him now that I know what I'm looking for. 
Me and my mom were the lucky ones to have outed my n sister over a year and 1/2 ago. I could not get over at the time WHY my father didn't help us...  Why he actually didn't say ANYTHING, and to this day~ won't...  Everytime there is a confrontation he actually gets mad at me and my mother..  He tells us that we must just like to fight..  My parents have been married for 53 years +
and I have very rarely heard them fight.  Over these past two years, they fight very often...  Usually about my sister.  My father will always side with her and not his partner over all of these years.  She said that is what hurts her the most.  I can now see why!
Why would he condemn anything she does...  Because in a sense, She is Him....
Does this make sense?

[lighter]

If condemning your sister is akin to condemning himself... yes, it makes sense.

I'm glad you can talk to your mother about all this. 

I think having people around who understand is very important.

[Leah]

Dear Jan,

Yes, oh, yes indeed, it makes such sense.

That's why my now exNH went off into allegiance with my NSister

He turned on me, in the sabotage.

Which aside from the betrayal, was unbearable and shocked me to the core.

After all my married years of loyalty, support and love, he turned on me, and become one with her.

Now of course, I know and understand the 'why' he did that .......... because they were and are ...... one and the same  

So glad that you and your mother can * see *

That's truly priceless.

Love, Leah

[Leah]

Aside from which, like-minded individuals always enjoy each other's company --- with some, they also stick together like glue ....

.... "they are like 2 peas in a pod"

Whereas,

I was like "chalk n cheese" to both of them.


love, Leah

[Ami]

Dear Janis,
  It makes sense. In a way ,he is protecting himself(his own qualities). 
  It makes perfect sense in the N world view. I think that you are coming out of denial ,Janis. It simply hurts--so badly. It is a shock. You want to cry and faint.It is simply awful
Keep writing. Many of us have gone ( and are going through) the same thing. You are NOT alone. That fact did help me and give me comfort.              Love   Ami

[Leah]

I have been banging my head against the wall for so long now trying to figure out where my n sister gets it from.  Upon further conversations with my mom, we've finally figured it out that my father is very n too.  He is a very quiet man normally, but I've seen so many n traits in him now that I know what I'm looking for.  Me and my mom were the lucky ones to have outed my n sister over a year and 1/2 ago. I could not get over at the time WHY my father didn't help us...  Why he actually didn't say ANYTHING, and to this day~ won't...  Everytime there is a confrontation he actually gets mad at me and my mother..  He tells us that we must just like to fight..  My parents have been married for 53 years +
and I have very rarely heard them fight.  Over these past two years, they fight very often...  Usually about my sister.  My father will always side with her and not his partner over all of these years.  She said that is what hurts her the most.  I can now see why!
Why would he condemn anything she does...  Because in a sense, She is Him....
Does this make sense?

Dear Jan,

Having read carefully what you say in "Banging your head against the wall"

I don't perceive that you were in denial at all

Instead, like myself, you were caught up in a whirlind of 'crazymaking' by the actions of the allegiance between your father with your sister.

Now, that your mother and yourself have the answers to which you were seeking, priceless understanding and knowledge will be most beneficial.

Sincerely,

Love, Leah

[janisty07]

I am so grateful, once again, to all of you who are replying to my posts with such insight and support.  I know that being able to post here, (and vent) it is helping me greatly to unravel this monster little by little.  I guess I am gaining more and more clarity every day. 

[Leah]

(((((( Jan and your lovely Mom ))))))

[SilverLining]

I have been banging my head against the wall for so long now trying to figure out where my n sister gets it from.  Upon further conversations with my mom, we've finally figured it out that my father is very n too.  He is a very quiet man normally, but I've seen so many n traits in him now that I know what I'm looking for. 

Does this make sense?

It makes sense to me.  In my experience the quiet demeanor can be confusing.  We tend to think of narcissism as something loud and obviously toxic.  I'm coming to think of N-ism as something deeper in the psyche than introversion or extroversion.  It's expressed by people in different ways depending on their personality.  And one way or another it does seem to get passed from generation to generation.

My grandfather was an extraverted N type, probably close to the classic NPD.  My father picked up the traits, but is far more quiet and introverted.  I don't know if N-ism or autism is the best description.  Now I'm coming to wonder about my brother, who is super "nice" but seems totally  enthralled with his own thoughts, preferences, opinions  and other self centered issues. 

The whole FOO is a mess, except for me, of course... 

[Leah]

Dear tjr100

My now ExNH was and is relatively quiet, but, what I did not realize was, that is was a subdued quiet, with much bubbling beneath.

But, with so many N traits ticked off the 'red flag' N List.

The whole FOO is a mess, except for me, of course...   

Quite agree 

Love, Leah

[SilverLining]

My now ExNH was and is relatively quiet, but, what I did not realize was, that is was a subdued quiet, with much bubbling beneath.

But, with so many N traits ticked off the 'red flag' N List.

Yes they are like smoldering volcanoes.  Calm on the surface.  Ready to explode not far underneath.   And I've come to believe they can be absolute masters of quiet, subtle forms of abuse.  It's like the little spouts of smoke from the volcano that keep the pressure down.   It can be hard to figure out because single interactions are usually not obviously abusive.   The concept of "covert abuse"  (from a Patricia Evans book) was a real eye opener for me.   When I realized "countering" and "correcting" can be forms of abuse, it became clear I have been through a few thousand abusive incidents with my N-autistic father.