Guilty As Charged- I Am Dying Inside

[changing]

My soon to be ex husband's cat died. My husband's first cat gave birth to him, and he adored my husband, worshipped the ground he walked on. I loved that kitty, and was frightened when he left him here because the cat was with him constantly, from birth onwards. I begged him to take him, but he refused. The kitty was old ,took meds and was frail. I have been very busy and frantic, trying to make certain that everything is "perfect" in case the police or someone else is summoned again, I have moved out almost all of the furniture, and when he is not with me in my bed the often incontinent kitty was in a room without carpets except those I put down for him, that could be washed.  There is a bed in there with pillows and covered so whatever happens can be cleaned up nicely. This was in large part so there would be no problem for my pets. as work was being done, they would not get out,  or if the police came in, etc. due to lies from my husband there would be no problem. My husband once put a mother and new kittens that I was caring for out in the cold and subject to harm when he moved out before, so this was no idle concern.

I have been strectched for money and time. Friday I had a law school finals and I have been sick, working on the house, dealing with the divorce and creditors , investigators and lawyers looking for my husband. When my husband sent the police to get guns that his psychiatrist had ordered removed from his custody and they threatened me with jail or shooting, and when he sent a lawyer who jumped my fence and threatened me, I panicked and was not lsleeping at the house every day. I am sure that this stressed the poor cat even more. I hate myself right now so much. Then there was a period when I did not have a bed and slept on the floor, so the kitty remained in the other room as well during that time.

I went to choir practice Sunday because my pastor specifically asked me to sing a certain song for Christmas- I hadn't planned to sing this year, and really didn't want to go. I did all the things that my years of vocal training taught, except for a shot in the throat- still I croaked softly.  I felt even more sick when I returned. When I came home the kitty was acting squirrely- I left him in the other room and didn't bring him to bed with me, as iI  thought that I simply couldn't handle the incontinence etc  that night. He loved Baby Sammy, and I should have just dealt with it, despite how I felt.Yesterday, I went in to feed him and bring him into my room to cuddle in bed, supervised so he wouldn't ruin the linens- he always rushes out, vocalizing. It was quiet, and I found him dead with the other kitty nearby, and the water bowl turned over.

This would never have happened before, NEVER. He had a kitty friend with him, but I would have taken him to the vet, etc, if I knew that he was in distress, at any hour of the day or night, and have done this- (last time it cost $1,000) and he was great at telling me if he wanted more food or water.  I took him to be cremated today. I hate myself and what I have become- I should never have let my husband intimidate me and make me change my lifestyle out of fear, and stress out an innocent cat. I should not sing or do anything that I don't want to, and get so sick that I don't function well. Everything seems to be rushing at me at once, and I am overwhelmed and feeling unworthy of even trying to be happy, and destined to lose.

I am guilty and dying inside.

[Ami]

Changing Dear,
  I am so sorry. You are simply exhausted and overwhelmed. You  have so much on your plate. You would never hurt any creature---ever. I am so sorry about your cat,Changing.
 I can tell that you simply are totally burnt out. May God touch you in a special way tonight.May HE rock you to sleep. Love you Changing                        Ami


(((((((((((Changing))))))))))))))))

[lighter]

You're not guilty and you're not dying..... you just feel like you are.

That kitty was well cared for and loved.... you were doing the very best you could.  

Living under siege isn't easy.... your H did that to you.... not your fault.

Kitty didn't die alone..... kitty had a friend.

Kitty could have died while you were at school or any other time.

Please please please.... changing..... lay down and cry about it for a while... it's very sad.  

It's right that you're mourning and feeling like you didn't do enough.....

but you did what you could do and I promise you.... it was so much more than most people could have done.  

You're amazing and helpful and your heart's as true and committed as any I've ever seen care for those around them, during their own time of crisis.

You have to forgive yourself for any perceived failure.... you didn't do anything wrong.  

(((Changing)))  My friend.... please get some sleep after a good long cry.  Let Sammy comfort you... he knows you did your best.

[changing]

Ami I am so alone and guilty. This is a bitter loss. I have the other pets to care for and don't know how I can face the future and the new losses in all areas to come with the divorce and my husband playing dirty with me. I hope that I don't take these innocent animals down with me.Thank you for your reply.

[changing]

Lighter-

Thank you. I didn't permit myself the release of crying until I reached the pet cemetary. The thing is , I could have done more, maybe even stayed with my husband, had him visit . I was worried this might happen. If it were a vulnerable child I may have stayed with the marriage to  support their health even tough it sealed my own fate. I was torn- what was more dangerous, him visiting at will , or the stress on the old cat of all of this loss of routine? I though that I was handing things , but I know now that I wasn't.

[Ami]

Changing
  You are in a shame spiral. You are going down with FOO tapes. The guilt and shame are OLD tapes. You were overwhelmed and a terrible situation happened.
  You conduct yourself with more grace than anyone I have known with such little comfort in life.
   These feelings are old messages of worthlessness.  ,I am here  if yiou need me. I will call you at any time.,if that would give you comfort.
 You are sick,too, so your defenses are down. You have no tender hand to help you,. I am so sorry. I give you my heart  and I will call at any time you need. Just telll me. Take a bath if you can and snuggle with your dog. Keep writing Changing. You  are very loved here---by everyone on the board.              Love  Ami

[changing]

Thank you Ami. I don't deserve your kindness, and that is called grace. Thank you.

[Gabben]

Oh Changing...I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you are feeling - my heart...I once heard that Heaven holds are pets for us. God is too loving to deny us them forever.

When I was in high school, shortly the time before my mom started really going off on me, I got a little white kitten as a gift from my adopted father who is not an N. He is a good guy and he really loved me.

The kitten was only a few weeks old and it had been rescued so it was beat up and in bad shape. Kinda of like me. I got a basket with warm blankets and toys for it to sleep in. It ate like it has never eaten before and got that full round belly. I put her in the basket for the evening and kept right next to my bed. In the middle of the night I woke up and looked at the kitten, she was glowing...purring and was looking at me as if to say -- thanks, I love you.

I awoke the next morning and put her in the litter box right next to the basket in my room so I could start to train her. I went to the bathroom and then down stairs. I was gone for only about 5 minutes. When I got back she was laying in the gravel of the liter box choking on the gravel. I quickly took her to my dad to help her but it was to no avail, she died later that day. I still cry thinking about it and I still feel GUILT, even after all these years. I loved her --  even for one day....I'm sorry for you...with tears I write this.

 ((changing))...hugs and love.

Lise

[Ami]

Changing
  You  are blaming yourself so harshly. It hurts to see you blame yourself when you struggle so hard and so valiantly against such odds(N trying to destroy you, bad FOO, being alone).
  My heart cries for you, Changing. You are not to blame. You have too much on your plate. You would never hurt a fly--on purpose.
   Do you get a break from school? Maybe you can rest. What do you think?
  Rest in Jesus arms,Changing.I do that and He comforts me.He really does.            Love   Ami

[finding peace]

I am so sorry changing.  Losing a friend is so very hard.

Please don't second guess yourself as to whether or not you could have done more.  You are not safe with exH, in any way, he has proven that again and again.  He is the one at fault here for abandoning his kitty - not you.  Please don't own his shame.  You made the decision you had to make, and the only decision you could make. 

We can what if, and never know the true answer - perhaps your soon to be exH would have used him to hurt you, you can't know the outcome. 

What you do know - your kitty had a good long life, was well taken care of, and did not linger in pain.  He was deeply loved and gave deep love. 

You have too much on your plate right now, please be extra gentle with yourself right now.



((((((((((((((((Changing))))))))))))))))))))))

[changing]

Thank you Gabben- It is so terrible when you are responsible for an innocent soul and you fail-you understand, though you were a blameless child.

Thank you Ami. Poor little guy- I miss him so much. How could my husband just leave him like that? He may have taken him eventually if I hadn't gone NC, though he did this before, with an old and ailing dog, and he never reclaimed him. Eventually the doggie passed away, and my dog howled for many days with grief. His animals love him with all of their hearts, but he is somehow able to leave them, even get new pets.

This cycle had to end, with my husband coming and going and never really bonding or whatever it is- but it is hard at this moment. Thank you for helping me work this out and expose my true guilt and shame.

[lighter]

Wow...changing.

I can't help but think you'll feel better in the morning.

You were so kind to that cat.

A lot of people wouldn't have kept an incontinent pet in the house.... and yet you were kind enough to honor kitty till the end.

It was just the end... and that's not a bad thing.  It;s the way life goes. 

[changing]

Thank you Peace- I am too upset to respond properly but I can only say that you helped me. I feel so alone and worthless and horrible - you helped me face myself and my guilt. Thank you.

[changing]

Thank you Lighter- I appreciate what you said and I feel better for it. It's just that I would have done things differently and I think better for him, and I didn't.  Thank you for being there Lighter- it means a lot.

[lighter]

::holding changing... softly saying to her.... "it's OK... it's OK"

Even if it's not OK.... it's going to be OK, promise.


This is a bad patch, experienced by a wonderful woman who does not deserve the abuse she's heaping on herself.... promise.