Why Did You Come To This Board? Why Do You Stay?

[gratitude28]

When I came to this board, I was desperate to find clues about why my home life had been so awful as a child. There was so much information here, that I could see what the problem had been. I was able to ask questions and to be able to begin seeing what problems I had caused myself, and which had come from outside influence. I was able to put my life in context for the first time.
Sometimes I still need input to see how to proceed. Ns don't change, even though we do.
Sometimes, I am fine all around and I come to see if others need some input or if someone new has come and needs help.
I came for help, and I stay to help.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

For me, I have an image of myself (in my mind) of who I really am (and was) before I "bit off the picture" that my M had of me. Inside me, way down deep ,is a strong person. I used to be a strong person.I left my whole group of friends b/c they got in to drugs and I didn't want to. I call that strong.
 I defined myself ,as to what I would and would not do. I was willing to stand alone ,if I had MYSELF to stand with. That is my goal on the board--to reclaim my strength.
 I could easily walk away from the board,now.People have told me to. However, life(3D) has the same people that the board does. In the workplace,.clubs, the gym--everywhere--are ALL types of people.
Your safe spot HAS to be within YOU. That is the answer.I have to carry my safe spot around--not expect the world to be safe for me.It won't--on the board OR in 3 D life.
 That is why I stay-b/c my safety  has to be forged inside. There is no place to run.
 How do I get safety inside me? By finding my voice. My voice IS one of strength.It is just buried,a little bit.It has integrity.. It has other things that I like, like humor.
I started finding it on the board.I will stay until I find it  b/c I will fight all the dragons for my voice                       .It is simply that precious to me.                   Ami

[seasons]

Beth you are appreciated so much.

 I came for help, especially to hear I'm not alone or crazy. kwim? I've grown so much over time. More growing to do, one day at a time.
When life gets busy I may stray but this place (friends) are always in my heart and thoughts. I know this is a place I can come back to to ask or just to... say I'm here too.

much love seasons

[Leah]

Beth, superb thread and thank you for the opportunity to share.


When I first found a board (the other one) -  I was desperately seeking the truth, with so many questions, regarding the behaviour of my life long perpetrators, from a child through to womanhood.  I was so desperate for answers.  WHY? 

Truly, I could not believe my eyes, when I started to read all the information and resources contained therein.


When I came to this board, it was after entering 'voicelessness' into the google search engine.  As 'voicelessness' was the very thought that came to me at that moment.

I was so desperate to express my voice as I felt trapped in a prison of voicelessness. 

Desperate for interactive communication regarding what I had come to understand, what I still needed to learn, the jigsaw pieces of life, for there was still more information that I so desperately sought after.

I desperately wanted to talk with people and to be able to freely (with respect) ask questions, as I wanted to grow in the knowledge attained, and grow some more.

Desperate for a voice as there was no one in my midst who was knowledgeable -- why should they?  Prior to, I had no knowledge of NPD etc either!

Voicelessness meant to me; one could not ask questions, seek, and find answers -- no healthy interaction one with another so as to enable insight and share etc.

Having a Voice means to me;  being able to ask questions, seek, and find answers -- with healthy interaction one with another, so as to ask respectful questions, receive and share valuable insight, to learn and grow.  To "chew the cud" of life!

Personally, I am an advocate of "Life Long Learning" in any shape or form.

Also, with my life experience to date, and where I stand as a person today at this moment in time, my sincere thoughts are that I may be able to give some support, with genuine understanding and genuine empathy, to those who come on board who may be where I was.

And, with a teachable heart, I know that I will be learning from all those who so freely give of their time and resources here also.

Aside from which we all have akinship as survivors.  The true friendship is of value to me and very much appreciated - 'thank you'


That's why I choose to stay.

Sincerely,

Love, Leah

[lighter]

I came to find help figuring out why people cut their own throats and behave in irrational self destructive ways, usually involving scapegoating and blaming other people when they do something egregiouse to someone else, namely... me and my children.

Trying to untie the knots of confusion based on destructive behavior (perpetrated by someone who has NOTHING visible to gain from that behavior.....) and when called on it.... they insist that NOT ONLY ARE THEY INNOCENT BUT.... we should fall over ourselves heaping pity and sympathy on them...... the more egregiouse their behavior towards us, the more pity and sympathy they demand. 

They're quite sure their version is the one you should swallow, please.... don't MAKE them shove it down your throat... just believe the consistent implausable party line and ignore that naggling feeling of doom and confusion you keep experiencing while your trying to choke it down..... again.... and again.... and again.

The reason they behave this way, as it turns out....


is because they're sick.  Broken.  Beyond restoration. 

Because they're empty vessels filling themselves with the pain and struggle of other people, in order to feel alive. 

Because they're static..... waiting to be.

Who can make sense out of static, waiting to be?

Nobody, bc it doesn't make sense. 

Now..... I'm making peace with the way this type of sickness weedles through my life.... I suppose I'm making peace with the fact that it will always be with me, in some fashion...... how to get used to the taste of vomit.... or learn to choke that impossibly improbable reflex before it lands in my mouth? 

Now there's a question... ::nodding::   

At some point.... I hope I stop throwing up.... is that the best I can hope for? 

It's interesting to come to this board and find the static alive and well...... active.....happily going about it's business like it's invisible and entitled to take it's pound of flesh and go on about it's way. 

Maybe it will, hard to say, really.

Sometimes it just visits.  Sometimes it stays awhile. 

It's morbidly fascinating to observe, I'll give it that.

Interesting in the way you're fascinated by the changes turning a dying loved one's thighs to hard bumpy sides of bacon hardness....

or the way their tummies bloat up so large you have to cut the top of extra large jammie bottoms so they'll fit.  Who knew the intestine's lubrication will go into overdrive and produce lubrication till the tummy looks like it'll burst... gee....?  ::scratching head::  It would be nice if the doctors would warn a person about this sort of thing.....  I'm so glad I had a nice neighbor lady gift her time and care to helping me understand what was on the way.... before it presented itself as a shock.   

They really should warn a body...::nodding:: 

It's chaos and destruction at work....

::BAM!!::

right where you have to witness it....

and you can't get away from it bc when you trun around....

it's behind you too.

So.... you learn to deal with it. 

You try to pity those who can't do any better and forgive them.

You try to limit your exposure, your children's exposure but.... alas... your the little Dutch Boy with his finger in the dyke. (spllg?) 

And of course, you wrestle with the struggle to let the static have it's way with innocent bystanders, right before your very eyes...  and sometimes you just have to watch it eat. 

::crunch crunch crunch::   

For the sake of peace, or lack of time or bc priorities just don't allow it here and there bc you don't have enough strength or fingers.

I don't know..... there must be more to the lesson.... ::shaking head::

must be. 

I guess I have to learn to let chaos and destruction flourish around me.... make peace with it?

The Yin and and Yang of life.

Tell the innocents to watch themselves then step back and let them make their choices.

I sure don't want to spend my life standing watch...... policing the static..... making people safe.

::envying those who are blissfully ignorant of Cluster B Personality Disorders bc they haven't been touched (much) by them::

I guess there's lessons in everything....

lessons that everyone must save themselves.....

everone must survive hardship....

I can't save anyone from themselves or the Cluster B.

Not boardmembers, myself or my children. 

Chaotic static.... alive and welll... going nowhere. 

The what and why are done.... that leaves how (to live with it.)

Maybe the nice neighbor lady should have done what the doctor did..... and left me alone during the entire struggle with the chaos that was cancer?  Why should she step in and deny chaos those little chuckles at my expense? 

I could do the same thing..... it would save time.  ::nod::

Eh.... maybe I'll turn into that nice neighbor lady, despite the examples the doc set?

Hard to say really.... the lessons still unclear

[teartracks]

Hi Beth,

When I came to this board, I was one pitiful puppy.  I needed it.

Good sense, great stories and encouragement are some of the reasons I stay.

tt

[reallyME]

Well, I started researching NPD (Narcissistic Personalty Disorder) through the internet, after I returned from Jodi's house (former mentor whom I believe has some major dysfunctions in her family and life).

I started looking up info about controllers and ended up on Sam Vaknin's website.  From there, I ventured into other sites like angelfire, etc, finding tons of info about bullying, controlling, manipulating, and, finally, some site I was on, pointed me to the Voicelessness Board.  I decided to sign on and check `er out.  I was fascinated with how many others had not only been through what I had, but also those who had NPD parents and family members.  I knew this would point me to some useful information to explain WHY Jodi was like she was toward me.

At first, when I posted my story, I was accused of being an N myself, of wanting attention, of wanting revenge, and of "not letting it go" so I just waited a while and then attempted again...which met with less resistance from the board members.  Finally, Dr Grossman set up the "story board" where I posted my story.  This time, I didn't get a whole lot of comments either way, which I was fine with...until. Jodi and clan, themselves, decided to make an appearance on the board for reasons i still have not figured out.  It all ended ok, with me blessing Jodi and friends and sending them on their way.

From there, I got kind of quiet for a while, till I was sure that the hubbub died down.  I posted here and there and got nice responses...which leads me up to this point.

Why do I stay?  I just wanna.  simple as that.  i have some friends here, some enemies...it's not all bad/all good...it just is...the place where everyone has some sort of VOICE. and i like it.

~Laura

[reallyME]

forgot to add this...WHY did i come?  to find answers.  to verify if my suspicions were valid about people of my past, to get SOMEONE to BELIEVE that i wasn't making everything up, to find people who had gone through it and really UNDERSTOOD the feelings of abandonment, rejection, disillusionment, loss of identity, hopelessness, and any fears and ultimately, find people to walk with me to VICTORY.  I found some here.  Thank you.

[tayana]

I found this board while researching emotional abuse.  Through that research I had discovered articles about NPD in general, and as I was reading them, I was noticing how similar they sounded to my mom.  So I started reading more about NPD, and I found Dr. Grossman's articles on voicelessness.  For the first time I found something I could point to and say, "This is me."  I wandered onto the board from there.

Most people don't see thing my mother says or does to me as abuse.  They see her as just overprotective and concerned.  It's taken a long time for me to see that her behavior is abuse, though subtle abuse.  In fact, my T can't believe some of the things she's done to me.  When I joined the board, I found people who understood what I was going through.  For some reason though, I stopped reading and posting to the board until recently, when I went searching for it again.  I think when I found the board the first time I just wasn't ready to tackle the great monster that was my mom.  When I came back though, I was searching for help so I could escape and start my own life. 

I stay on the board because I like being with people who understand, who I can explain why I have been NC with my parents without someone rolling their eyes and saying, "Don't you think you're being petty?"  No, I don't.  I think I'm being sensible.  We encourage battered women to leave their abusive partners, why should I stick around for more abuse from my parents, just because they're my parents?  That's why I stay, because the folks here understand.  They aren't going to tell me I'm being petty and cruel.  They're just supportive.  That's what I like and why I stay.

[Hopalong]

I was depressed and lonely and living with my aging Nmother.

Am still living with my aging Nmother.

Amazed to say no longer depressed. Still occasionally lonely.

Forever grateful,

Hops

[JanetLG]

I came here  seven months ago, because, despite having had NC with my NMum and Nsister for 12 years (but not knowing about NPD as such), I had just had 'contact' again, and it had been very upsetting. So, I searched online and found another forum (on 'relationships'), which was helpful, but most people didn't undertsand the idea of STOPPING ALL CONTACT with your MOTHER, of all people. Then, in one of my threads, someone mentioned about NPD, so I went in search of a more relevant forum, and found this one.

There were so many people here who understood what I had been through, I was amazed.

I stay, even though it can be toxic at times, because

(a) there are more people on here who understand about N relatives than anywhere else
(b) I have worked through a lot (not all, by any means) of my issues regarding the Ns in my family, so I can sometimes help other people (especially when they are struggling with whether to start NC or not)
(c) there are people on here who I really care about, and even if I went back to just lurking, I'd like to keep up with how they're progressing


Janet

[finding peace]

I came to this board because it is, in a sense, a home of understanding that I never had as a child.

I stay to learn and grow, and to, hopefully, give back what I have learned.

(((((Love to you all)))))

[axa]

I came here because I was in pain, knew I was living in the midst of madness which most people did not understand.  I knew that I was part of the problem because I was still living with the N.  I came here to learn how to be an adult, how to take care of myself, to hear soft acceptance and questions which would prompt me to look to myself for my healing.  I came to be heard and I was.  I do not post as often as I used to because I did experience significant healing with the help of the people on this board, my T and ME.  I feel I can come here and try and give a little of what I received and also for support.  I post when I feel I have something to say which might help myself or others........ sometimes I have nothing to say and I don't post.  I am grateful.

axa

[Gabben]

Great topic Beth - I just addressed this on our AA thread yesterday - you know,  about my anger issues being the reason that I came here:

I came here because I was in pain too. Although I knew what NPD was I had never really come to identify my my mom as one or look so directly at the issue of NPD until I had a run in with someone who triggered me. This was a T or Spiritual director. For the last two years I was having pain come up, once again, specifically my anger. Since I'm in AA, I have learned that anger shuts us off from grace and it certainly does not feel good to have resentments. I had learned back in my twenties how to master the angry thoughts, speak up when offended and save myself from carrying angry thoughts.

But this N saint T was so covert and sneaky. I'd leave appointments feeling so confused and yucky. I kept wondering is this me or her? The resentments started to mount and when I tried to clear the air with her she shunned me. Then she slandered me and patholigized me as the agressor (common N behavior). The hurt and anger was larger and out of proportion to the situation, I knew that much.

It pushed deep buttons of pain - I thought that I was the problem, rejection is so painful. Every week, I'd show up at my T's office with a new PD asking her if it described me, she would lovingly laugh at me, "no."

By the time I came here I was already working through a ton of layers of the pain but I still needed confirmation that I was not alone and I wanted to bounce it off people who would help.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it

Lise

[Gabben]

To answer "why I stayed?"

Well for me, a lot of reasons but today I have one reason - friends, I made a few friends.

Lise