Spiritual Abuse

[tayana]

This subject came up in a different thread, but I think it deserves a thread of its own.  There seems to be two variations of what spiritual abuse is, so I thought it might be helpful to clarify. 

According to Wikipedia, Spritual Abuse is defined as: (please note, I have quote directly from the website)

Spiritual abuse can be characterised in two forms.

Individual and/or Collective

Both individually and collectively, spiritual abuse can be identified when following certain criteria related to their interpersonal relations to others. Some writers conceptualize a set of discernible characteristics of spiritual abuse. Ronald Enroth in Churches That Abuse identifies five categories:

Authority and Power - abusive groups misuse and distort the concept of spiritual authority. Abuse arises when leaders of a group arrogate to themselves power and authority that lacks the dynamics of open accountability and the capacity to question or challenge decisions made by leaders. The shift entails moving from general respect for an office bearer to one where members loyally submit without any right to dissent.
Manipulation and Control - abusive groups are characterized by social dynamics where fear, guilt, and threats are routinely used to produce unquestioning obedience, group conformity, and stringent tests of loyalty to the leaders are demonstrated before the group. Biblical concepts of the leader-disciple relationship tend to develop into a hierarchy where the leader's decisions control and usurp the disciple's right or capacity to make choices on spiritual matters or even in daily routines of what form of employment, form of diet and clothing are permitted.
Elitism and Persecution - abusive groups depict themselves as unique and have a strong organizational tendency to be separate from other bodies and institutions. The social dynamism of the group involves being independent or separate, with diminishing possibilities for internal correction and reflection. Outside criticism and evaluation is dismissed as the disruptive efforts of evil people seeking to hinder or thwart.
Life-style and Experience - abusive groups foster rigidity in behavior and in belief that requires unswerving conformity to the group's ideals and social mores.
Dissent and Discipline - abusive groups tend to suppress any kind of internal challenges and dissent concerning decisions made by leaders. Acts of discipline may involve emotional and physical humiliation, physical violence or deprivation, acute and intense acts of punishment for dissent and disobedience.
Agnes and John Lawless argue in The Drift into Deception that there are eight characteristics of spiritual abuse, and some of these clearly overlap with Enroth's criteria. They list the eight marks of spiritual abuse as comprising:

charisma and pride,
anger and intimidation,
greed and fraud,
immorality,
Enslaving authoritarian structure,
Exclusivity,
Demanding loyalty and honor,
New revelation.
Although some of these points form aspects of a strong and healthy society (e.g. respect for proper authority, loyalty and honor), the basis of spiritual abuse is when these characteristics are overstretched to achieve a desired goal that is neither supported by spiritual reality nor by the human conscience.

Spiritual abuse usually involves control, manipulation and deception by leaders, but is often supported by members. Spiritual abuse is not necessarily deliberate, but may be the outcome of an over-emphasis on a particular doctrine (e.g. the teaching that everyone outside the group will go to hell) or the genuine belief that the will of God is being followed. NOTE: the previous example is not to propose an error in the doctrine of eternal perdition, but to identify using such doctrine to abuse and mentally manipulate members into adhering to abusive delegated authority or to group conformity.

Spritual abuse can also emcompass families who use dogma and rigid religious practices as a form of control.  It can also take the form of a parent/partner who criticizes and defames the spiritual beliefs of an individual as a form of control.

I thought perhaps others would like to discuss this topic and perhaps their experiences with this form of abuse.

[reallyME]

Oh what a fun fun topic.
I say that very tongue-in-cheek, as I enjoy EXPOSING the spiritual abuse of the times!  Down with the devil, DOWN!

I want to examine myself/people of the past (ministers) by these things:

>  Charisma and Pride

me:  have battled pride and fell down HARD!
others:  some still battling this and hate to be confronted or corrected.

>  Anger and Intimidation

me: Thank GOD for stabilizing my hormones! Yes, I used to have a LOT of anger.  doing so much better now.
others:  only saw anger when they felt cornered by me.

>  Greed and Fraud

me: Have to battle the jealousy thing from time to time, but not really greedy about material things, no.
others: had to have the best of the best always.  Felt it was ok to do some things as long as they weren't caught.

>  Immorality

me: not lately, no.
others: not that i could tell really.  More like immorTALITY than the other. ha!

>  Enslaving authoritarian structure

me: no, I think I'm pretty good on that one.  I ain't "all that" and neither are you, but for the power the Lord shared with us.
others: definitely.  Everything I did, was seen as a "REFLECTION" on them, so I had to 'tow the line" at all times.

>  Exclusivity

me: used to be VERY guilty of this online. I'd open rooms and only let certain select people in them. Not good. Not good.
others:  YES.  Some of them delighted in feeling that they could house only the ELITE in their little group.

>  Demanding loyalty and honor

me: well, loyalty is always nice within reason, but as far as using it to abuse someone, no i don't.
others:  yes, subtly this was demanded of me.  Part of that loyalty, was that I was expected to "don't talk. don't tell"

>  New revelation

me:  very controversial issue here.  do I believe in new revelations, yes i do...but only as far as they line up with the Bible
others:  some very SCREWY ideas were portrayed about "new revelations" at times.

[Leah]

Editted:  Personal Information removed.

[tayana]

(((((((Leah))))))

I will have to see if my library has that book.  I think I'd like to read it. 

When I was little, my mom "tricked" me into going to church.  She hyped it all up, and off I went.  She claims I told her to take me, but I don't remember that.  What I do remember is being very pious and believing all I was told about God and especially about going to hell.  My parents never discussed any of this with me, and neither of them were really into the church thing.  My mom would go sometimes, but not all the time.  When she did go, it was more to prove how faithful she was, than for anything else. 

When I got a little older, and after we had moved away from the church I'd been attending, she wasn't so keen to take me to church, even though I wanted to go.  And a few years later I really started questioning all those things I'd been taught, and I didn't feel comfortable with them.

My mother has decided to return to her faith, and she wanted me and M to go to church.  She even went so far as to tell me that she was going to have me made a member of the church, even though I didn't want to.  I don't feel comfortable in church.  There are few churches, especially in my area that are open and affirming, some will claim to be open but in reality, aren't, like when I emailed the national office of the church I'd been attending.  Eventually, I decided I didn't need to do my worshipping in the church.  I could believe in God and talk to him without the assistance of a minister.  So, I talk and he listens and sometimes amazing things happen.  And I don't have to sit in a building where I feel like I'm going to be condemned any minute.

[Hopalong]

I think the main form of spiritual abuse I got was twisted thinking:

women are evil
women are dirty
girls don't matter
sex is a sin
anger is a sin
submission is good
dominion over the earth
other faiths are wrong
there is a hell
there is a heaven
saved vs. unsaved
a text is holy
we need priests, ministers, churches or intermediaries to experience what's holy

For me personally, those are abusive teachings that harm human beings, especially children. I was harmed. But now I'm okay. More or less. I also retained the teachings about love. Golden Rule covers it. Many other lessons from my religious training were very positive for me, and still form my values. Mixed blessing.

The entire culture still lives unconsciously by most of those assumptions, though, so our green planet is in big trouble...

(Please, nobody who believes otherwise correct me. I have processed this in my own way and am not looking to be "taught". I know the verses, have heard the sermons. I don't like the talk much. Love it when people just walk the walk. Thanks.)

love
Hops

[changing]

Hello-

Man's religion is not the ultimate spiritual authority, that is for certain. It is tragic when religion and those in the power structure or even those who simply have a mental abberation and self- aggrandizing bent toward religiosity, become the focus rather than right and wrong. The arrogance of those who claim some basis of superiority and a sort of divinely ordained control over others by virtue of their adherence to some religion or other leads to much hurt and destruction. There is no God, Love, or Spirit in it .

[finding peace]

Hear, here Hops

[Leah]

(((((((Leah))))))

I will have to see if my library has that book.  I think I'd like to read it. 

Dear ((((((( Tay )))))))))

Thank you.  Your story resonates with my life with my parents, more so mother, because she 'converted' for appearance only. She never walked the walk, which was of course, her own free will choice.

Sincerely, you have my empathy and understanding as I genuinely have been there also.


Love, Leah


Editted: Personal Information removed.

[tayana]

Hi Leah, thanks for your kind words.  I'll have to look for those books when I get to the library, maybe after I pay my $20 fine.  Eeek!  I have to be more diligent about renewing.

I found numerous websites when I googled this topic, including the one Leah mentioned.

[Leah]

I have this book .....


In her book; "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" --  which is pertinent to all human interactive relational situations ...

Patricia Evans lists the various forms of manipulation which together constitute verbal and emotional (psychological) abuse:

Withholding (the silent treatment), countering (refuting or invalidating the other person's statements or actions), discounting (the putting down of one's emotions, possessions, experiences, hopes, and fears), sadistic and brutal humor, blocking (avoiding a meaningful exchange, diverting the conversation, changing the subject), blaming and accusing, judging and criticizing, undermining and sabotaging, threatening, name calling, forgetting and denying, ordering around, denial, and abusive anger.


And also;

Wounding "honesty", ignoring, smothering, invasion of privacy, ignoring your stated boundaries, tactlessness, maltreatment, humiliating, insinuating, lying, exploiting, devaluing and discarding, being unpredictable, reacting disproportionately, dehumanizing, objectifying, control by proxy and ambient abuse.



Patricia Evan's above book is my "abuse free life book of first reference"

Which to me, speaks volumes, of truth.

Love, Leah

[tayana]

Hi Leah,

I've read this Patricia Evans book, and it is an excellent book.  I highly recommend it.

[Leah]

Hi Tay,

Me too, highly recommend it, have a copy firmly in place on my bookshelf.

When I started to read the book I could not put it down, with my eyes    soaking up the much sought after answers,
and validation.

Could never get those answers anywhere from anyone, it was crazymaking keep asking the question 'why?'

Gaslighting and Brainwashing has to be one of the most evil practices carried out against a fellow human being.

Had an excellent resource on the subject of Gaslighting, which I have been trying to locate, without success.

Love, Leah

[Leah]

God's grace can be abused.

Some in the First Century turned "the grace of our God into lasciviousness…" (Jude 4).   One way in which this was done is seen in Paul's Epistle to the Romans. "What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound?" (Rom. 6: 1).   Paul immediately answered his own question: "God forbid" (vs. 2).

Alas, grace continues to be presented today in such a fashion as to actually encourage the commission of sin. Instead of teaching which stresses man's responsibility to live right, we hear statements similar to:  "....the way a Christian lives, what he says, his character, his conduct, or his attitude toward other people have nothing whatever to do with the salvation of his soul…"

[changing]

Hi Leah-

My friend went to a church as a teenager with her sister. They were both dressed beautifully , etc. The preacher said to the entire congregation- "And when I see these young girls (they were about 18 and 19) all dolled up with lipstick and new dresses , I could just spank and spank and spank them for their sin!!!"

Funny, but scary too!!! This controlling of others because one feels out of control inside- as  Victor Hugo illustrated in The Hunchback of Notre Dame in regard to the lustful church offiicial's treatment of the the gypsy girl Esmeralda- seems to be a common feature of this abuse. Destroying what one feels may overwhelm you and unmask your own frailties seems to be the agenda here.

I try to stay under the radar when in the presence of these types when possible!!!

Love,

Changing

[Leah]

Hi Changing,

  Funny, especially, as my first church was controlling, which is what drew me to the article, and oddly enough, the pastor lost his church too as it went from a huge number of people down to a loyal few.  It was definitely a power thing, plus, I now realize that he unfortunately displayed a number of NFlags.

Regarding your illustration of Victor Hugo's classic work, yes, oh yes, very much so, they are driven by their own inner frailties and fear of weakness, for which they then must persecute another, by way of projection, is my enlightened viewpoint.   

Funny old world, or not so!   

Just read how you have settled back into Law School and have enjoyed it thus far, so very glad to know that, for you, Changing.

Every good wish for a successful year, you truly desire it.

Love, Leah