Well, I'm still needing to explore this topic further and come to terms with some aspects of how this sensitivity affects daily life. This feels very much like floundering, but also very necessary.
For me, a couple of key points... and rather startling revelations.... have come in the area of recognizing what's behind some of my own
seemingly overwhelming feelings.
Even just watching a movie, I know when the violent parts are coming... there's a form of arousal that's most unpleasant. And it's not just physical violence. If I close my eyes or step out of the room for those parts, the damage is still done and it's hard for me to shake it off. It's not the blood and gore, it's the awareness of the intent... whether that intent is toward murder, shaming another, or falsely accusing an innocent party. It hurts.
As noted in Elaine Aron's article about containing fear, I've been working on this:
" Do not confuse arousal with fear–they feel similar, but arousal simply means you are being highly stimulated by a situation."I'm amazed to find that many people... and situations... about whom and toward which I used to think I held an unreasonable fear - -
well, it's not really fright at all.
It's just that overwhelmingly uncomfortable awareness of so much that lies just beneath the surface... a state of arousal or excitement which has mimicked fear in its capacity to render me paralyzed.
And because it's an awareness which is often not sensed or shared by others, it can leave me feeling very isolated and lonely. So although it's not really forward movement, it's a shift... a good one, I think... to recognize that fear is not the driving force here.
What's fitting into place about this now is that I recognize a similar condition of feeling overwhelmed when it comes to good, positive events and people... happiness, the discovery of a sense of fellowship which rewards such deep longing for personal connection, the joys of success, the beauty of nature in all its colorful liberty, sharing laughter with my child... at moments like that, words fail me, my own senses fail me, I feel like I could burst... and it hurts.
Never before heard anyone describe such a thing, till I began this search. It's come out a few times in discussions here on the board, but it still feels so odd, so... unnatural... I can't describe. As much as I used to go silent when presented with conflict, the same is still true when faced with goodness... so this is something I really want to sort and balance, as it will free up alot of expression, I believe.
Just a brief excerpt from an article titled HSPs and the Problem of Bearing an Unbearable Emotion
http://www.hsperson.com/pages/3Feb06.htmA Wide Range Of Emotional TsunamisGrief, hopelessness, panic, longing, and shame are some of the potentially unbearable emotions, along with rage, guilt, jealousy, and others I’m sure I’m not thinking of. The pain come in waves, the first being the largest of course, but as we process and feel all the implications, it roars in over and over. Only times settles it down, although the waves of feeling can so wear us down that secondary depression, anxiety, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may set in (and perhaps need to be treated).
What about unbearable pleasure, closeness, or relief? These happen too. After such an experience, I had a dream of honey pouring out of something and I had only a small container to catch it in, so that it was overflowing everywhere. I knew it referred to an “unbearably” sweet kindness directed towards me by someone I respected. Other examples for me are the perfectness of a moment or scene while traveling or out in nature, or during a truly fantastic performance of music or dance, or while having a fresh realization of how much I love my husband or son. That standing ovation from a thousand people at the Congress of HSPs in Holland was certainly one of those.
I often feel frustrated at such moments that I am unable to feel them enough. Maybe I’m distracted by the stimulation of the details of the situation, or it’s too brief, or I’m too defended against it for some reason, but often it seems as though my nervous system is simply not “big” enough for the goodness it is taking in. The memory is going to be more enjoyable, but bittersweet, in that the moment itself has passed and will never come again. The only exception to this, I find, is the “bliss” of meditation. That I feel I can return to again and again, and while it’s source seems unlimited, I feel equal to it in some sense. Bittersweetly and so very grateful for this place to share,
Hope
