(Victor Frankl, a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, wrote extensively about the "defiant power of the human spirit." He noted that there is a fundamental difference between pain and suffering in that "suffering" is how we choose to react to pain. "Conditions cannot completely condition us. Everything can be taken from us, but the last of human freedoms, to choose one's attitude, can never be taken away." Frankl called this the spiritual dimension)
Now that I understand what happened, I can make sense of my life. Understanding what happened to my life is very important to me, because I am now ready to move on. I have forgiven my mother. It wasn’t her fault that she was like she was. She didn’t choose to be that sort of person. She did not chose to make me a victim. Consequently, I no longer bear any resentment towards her.
Brian, my first husband, basically does not feature in my life any more. Occasionally, I might wonder how his life turned out but I have no desire to find out. I was very quickly able to work through the problems I had with Brian, because I met a very wise older man. He introduced me to a group of people, who were all trying to work out their own relationship problems and by talking on a regular basis with these people, I learnt to accept that the marriage was over and the part Brian paid in the breakdown, was not his fault but rather the fault of circumstances, which allowed us to grow apart.
Then there was Laurie. Whilst initially, I felt a great deal of anger, pain, sadness, betrayal and hate towards him for the way he totally disregarded the effort, I had made to, firstly, enable him to have some sort of life despite his physical disability and, secondly, to keep the marriage going as long as it did against enormous odds. I should have walked out in 1996, when I was told he had dementia but I didn’t. I did not think it was the right thing to do, and I still don’t think it would have been the right thing to do. After all I have to live with myself. However, I accept that what happened was not his fault. It was not my fault. It was nobody’s fault. It just was what Elisabeth Kubler-Ross calls a life lesson, see below for explanation.
(Life Lessons both assumes and proclaims some specific beliefs about self, society and ultimate reality. According to Kubler-Ross, there is a "core self," a real and eternal "you," who is not identified with actions, social roles or history. Happiness is its natural state. This self is good and pure but always learning; its experience is to be seen as "lessons." Because it learns from its mistakes, "guilt feelings" about the past are burdensome and unnecessary. Kubler-Ross believes that "the world is set up to work; it is coded in a way that brings us to our lessons. ... There is a reason for every experience, even if we don't see it.")
Once I understood what happened in these relationships, I have found it easy to forgive those people, who I thought had messed with my life. I accept that they provided me with an extremely steep learning curve and I am grateful for the hard lessons that I learnt because it has made me a better human being. I can now go out and do whatever, it is I was born to do knowing full well that I have learnt my lessons well. I am able to do this with a great deal of hope and anticipation about what the future holds in store for me. So I would like to thank my mother and Laurie (wherever they are, because they have both passed on) for the great contributions they have made to providing me with a platform from which to launch a new chapter in my life. Brian, wherever you are I hope you too have found happiness and I wish you all the best for the future.
The only residual sadness I feel is that I don’t think either my mother or Laurie had a happy adulthood. They both had what they described as idyllic childhoods, while I thought I hadn’t had a kind childhood. However I feel very grateful that I now have a chance to find happiness and contentment.
Thanks to all those who have contributed to my understanding, wherever they are.
