Author Topic: Forgiveness.  (Read 956 times)

Kimberli63

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Forgiveness.
« on: December 14, 2007, 02:21:18 PM »

(Victor Frankl, a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, wrote extensively about the "defiant power of the human spirit." He noted that there is a fundamental difference between pain and suffering in that "suffering" is how we choose to react to pain. "Conditions cannot completely condition us. Everything can be taken from us, but the last of human freedoms, to choose one's attitude, can never be taken away." Frankl called this the spiritual dimension)

Now that I understand what happened, I can make sense of my life. Understanding what happened  to my life is very important to me, because I am now ready to move on. I have forgiven my mother. It wasn’t her fault that she was like she was. She didn’t choose to be that sort of person. She did not chose to make me a victim. Consequently, I no longer bear any resentment towards her.

Brian, my first husband, basically does not feature in my life any more. Occasionally, I might wonder how his life turned out but I have no desire to find out. I was very quickly able to work through the problems I had with Brian, because I met a very wise older man. He introduced me to a group of people, who were all trying to work out their own relationship problems and by talking on a regular basis with these people, I learnt to accept that the marriage was over and the part Brian paid in the breakdown, was not his fault but rather the fault of circumstances, which allowed us to grow apart.

Then there was Laurie. Whilst initially, I felt a great deal of anger, pain, sadness, betrayal and hate towards him for the way he totally disregarded the effort, I had made to, firstly, enable him to have some sort of life despite his physical disability and, secondly, to keep the marriage going as long as it did against enormous odds. I should have walked out in 1996, when I was told he had dementia but I didn’t. I did not think it was the right thing to do, and I still don’t think it would have been the right thing to do. After all I have to live with myself. However, I accept that what happened was not his fault. It was not my fault. It was nobody’s fault. It just was what Elisabeth Kubler-Ross calls a life lesson, see below for explanation.

(Life Lessons both assumes and proclaims some specific beliefs about self, society and ultimate reality. According to Kubler-Ross, there is a "core self," a real and eternal "you," who is not identified with actions, social roles or history. Happiness is its natural state. This self is good and pure but always learning; its experience is to be seen as "lessons." Because it learns from its mistakes, "guilt feelings" about the past are burdensome and unnecessary. Kubler-Ross believes that "the world is set up to work; it is coded in a way that brings us to our lessons. ... There is a reason for every experience, even if we don't see it.")

Once I understood what happened in these relationships, I have found it easy to forgive those people, who I thought had messed with my life. I accept that they provided me with an extremely steep learning curve and I am grateful  for the hard lessons that I learnt because it has made me a better human being. I can now go out and do whatever, it is I was born to do knowing full well that I have learnt my lessons well. I am able to do this with a great deal of hope and anticipation about what the future holds in store for me. So I would like to thank my mother and Laurie (wherever they are, because they have both passed on)  for the great contributions they have made to providing me with a platform from which to launch a new chapter in my life. Brian, wherever you are I hope you too have found happiness and I wish you all the best for the future.

The only residual sadness I feel is that I don’t think either my mother or Laurie had a happy adulthood. They both had what they described as idyllic childhoods, while I thought I hadn’t had a kind childhood. However I feel very grateful that I now have a chance to find happiness and contentment.

Thanks to all those who have contributed to my understanding, wherever they are.

tayana

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Re: Forgiveness.
« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2007, 03:03:17 PM »
Hi Kimberli and welcome to the board.  I've read your post a couple of times trying to decide how to respond. 

Forgiveness is a very interesting thing, especially when there's an N involved.  I don't think forgiveness can happen until all of the anger, resentment and disappointment in a relationship have been dealt with.  I'm working on that now with my T, trying to really accept that I can't change my nmom, and that I shouldn't expect much of her.  My T says she's a very sick woman, but there's still a part of me that wants to have a mom, if that makes since.

I don't know that I'm going to be able to forgive her for the things she's done to me, but I hope so.  I hope one day I'll get there.  It makes me very hopeful when I hear that someone else has made the journey and gotten to this end.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

lighter

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Re: Forgiveness.
« Reply #2 on: December 14, 2007, 03:08:36 PM »
I enjoyed your post... particularly the part about the steep learning curve being provided.


I can always look back at terrible things and find a lesson in there somewhere.

Kimberli63

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Re: Forgiveness.
« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2007, 06:49:55 PM »
I agree that it is hard to forgive while those memories still cause pain and resentment. However,I found once I changed my attitude towards what happened to me from one of pain to one of gain, in other words, I stopped concentrating on all the pain, anger, resentment and self loathing, and started concentrating on what lessons, I had learned.  It is like changing gears. I changed my focus. The exciting part is knowing that I am now free to move on and learn to love myself for the person I am. While it is exciting, it is also a bit scary but then I think we all feel like that when we decide to do something new.

I understand about wanting a mom. I so desperately wanted to be a daughter who had a mom but I now realise that it wasn't possible. She wasn't able to be a "real" mom because she had a emotional vacuum inside her. She  had to rely on others to make her feel alive. Once, I accepted that she had done the best she could in the circumstances, I was able, just as I did with my narc husband, who was disabled and therefore not a "real" husband, to say to myself that's the way it was.  As soon as I realised I had unrealistic  expectations, I was able to accept them as they were and love them. Mind you, it is easier because neither of them are alive and I don't have to have an ongoing relationship with either of them.
« Last Edit: December 14, 2007, 09:51:57 PM by Kimberli63 »

axa

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Re: Forgiveness.
« Reply #4 on: December 15, 2007, 05:28:13 AM »
Kimberlie

Thank you for such the wisdom in your posts.  I understand my Nparents had nothing emotional to give me.  I am not angry any longer but still feel sadness at the loss of not having been loved as a child and the relationships I jumped into as a consequence.  The hardest lesson for me to learn has been that I am responsible for my happiness but it is a lesson worth learning.  I think when I cannot forgive I maintain the relationship in my head in anger.  I think a lot about forgiveness, don't know if I am any good at it but I do believe ultimately it is a process of liberation for ones self.  Which of course begs the question Do I not want to be liberated?  Now that is a scary though - many lessons still to be learned by me.

axa