I have been thinking about drinking, smoking and overeating, since I read Amber’s story. I also reviewed diagrams, I drew in 1990 in an attempt to understand the pattern of what happened to me. What happened to me when I felt inadequate for whatever reason, started off a cycle of insecurity, restlessness, and then an attempt to block out the pain and hurt so that I became numb. The numbness lead to a feeling of emptiness, which had to be addressed and the only way to do that was to eat, and drink to fill the void I felt. That in turn made me more restless, and I tried to hid or withdraw while wishing I could be invisible. That in turn lead to a huge feeling of loneliness, which in turn reinforced the feeling of inadequacy. So it seems drinking, smoking and overeating are all ways, we use to fill ourselves up, (although in Amber‘s case she was actually appealing for help by smoking). It is something to do to quell the feeling of restlessness. My mother certainly used to fob me off with a piece of chocolate cake whenever I wanted a cuddle, which then lead to a criticism about how much I ate, which started the cycle all over again.
Another cycle I noticed was when I transgressed as perceived by my mother. The perceived transgression would be followed by a warning that I had to wait for my father to come home to get my punishment. That waiting period was incredibility painful and lead to a feeling of restlessness. I just wanted it to be over. I was also griped by a huge amount of fear and made me feel inadequate. I tried to hide and knew it was a physical impossibility and so I shut down emotionally and I presented a mask so no-one knew how much I was hurting. That hurt then lead me to get angry that I was being put in this predicament, which in turn lead me to seek revenge (I think Gabben has addressed this topic of anger). The revenge lead to another transgression and the cycle started again.
