Frustration

[Lupita]

Today ofr the first time in my life I identified a negative thougt, I identified the feeling provoked by the negative thought and I said to my slef, why to feel bad because my son is with my mother? why to feel bad becayse my son GFM is stilling him? My son can enjoy my mother and his GFM. There is nothing wronf with that. I do not have to feel bad about that. I feel flat now, wich is much better that sad and depreesed.
For me that is a huge step.

[Lupita]

So, I was driving, feeling very lonly, thinking how muhc fun my son was having at our beaches. But I combated that thought because my grand mother was very bad to my mother and I enjoyed very much being with my grand mother and I cannot prevent my son to enjoy his grand mother. He has the right to enjoy his grand mother. And I do not have to feel bad ofr that, content, because he is healthy adn having fun. I am going to have a drink to celebrate.

[cats paw]

Lupita,

  What a wonderful Christmas present you are giving yourself- a way to find healing.

Cat

[lighter]

Flat is better than sad.

I think relief is next.

[Observer]

Hola Lupita,

Lo siento that I haven’t answered you sooner, but I am exhausted, mucho cansada.  Preparing for the holidays is killing me.  Shopping for gifts, trying to finish work before the year ends and on Thursday, I’m going away for 10 days.  So, I am frazzled & tired.

Thank you everyone who said such kind words about me.

Lupita!!!!  I am so amazed by you!!!!!!!      You have so quickly absorbed this new way of consciously looking at HOW you think.  You are wonderful, so intelligent.  You are a success.

You’ve been on my mind and I wanted to mention some things to you:

First, check out the Pubic Television station in your area.  They are fund raising and in my area are showing Wayne Dyer, who talks about the importance of being consciously aware of our thoughts.

Also, I wanted to turn you on to, what I think, is a helpful web site: http://www.hayhouseradio.com/.  It’s very “New Age”, but I think there are some great radio shows to listen to.

Also, I read a post on another board written by a woman called "Oxdrover", who at age 60 has finally come to realize that her mother is a narcissist (http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/viewtopic.php?t=6843&sid=736caff5e1037a5ab44e25ce4b34a1cf
).  I thought you could relate to something she wrote.  Here it is: 
“ I was actually….laughing at myself for being "60 YEARS OLD FOR GOODNESS SAKE AND WANTING MY MOMMIE'S LOVE"---GOSH you'd think by age 60 I could have blown the witch off sometime in the past…here I am a sniviling, whinning, crying immature little 4 year old crying her eyes out cause "mommie doesn't love me." Because mommie is an N incapable of loving anyone. And to be honest about it, it makes me feel shame that I can't handle this better than I do, that I can't just "blow her off" and get on with it---that I deep inside WANT her love and that there is NOTHING ON THIS EARTH I CAN DO TO GET IT.” 

Try to read Oxdrover’s posts.  I think she’s great.

This web site focuses on N Mothers and Fathers.  Check it out if you’ve never read it: http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/viewforum.php?f=28&sid=736caff5e1037a5ab44e25ce4b34a1cf

Getting back to you, I am happily stunned at how rapidly you have absorbed this new way of thinking.  Obviously, you are extremely intelligent (and talented in music and dance) and I’ve got a feeling that 2008 will be a very successful break through year for you.  By the way, I agree:  go for a public school job:  it’s higher pay & full benefits.

But I run away all the time because something they say. I have been running all my life. I had to stop going to a very nice book club because I did not know how to deal with a couple of Ns there. They troggered me so badly.

But I am going to find Ns everywhere. According to a book i red recently 8% of people are Ns. So if I go to a group of ten, at lieast one will be an N. Then that person tells me something triggering and I come back home crying and do not go back there again.

Lupita, give yourself time to absorb your new way of perceiving other people and processing your reactions and thoughts.  You are aware that you run away and you want to stop doing that (however, on the other hand, running away from N people is often a GOOD thing).  You’re searching for a new way to express yourself to people who trigger you, while also maintaining your integrity and dignity.  I understand.  First, decide whether you want to respond to Ns (& triggering people) at all or whether you just want to walk away and avoid them.  If you decide to respond to them, first, think before you speak, use “I” statements and express yourself in a soft, non-confrontational way, while remaining true to yourself and your feelings.  It takes practice because it’s a skill, but once you figure out how you want to do it, it will be second nature for you. 

Another thing to think about is not to act out of fear and try not to let your fear depress you.  Try to confront your fear and figure out what is really frightening you.  Instead of focusing on the worst, focus on the best.  There’s a wonderful book called “Feel the fear and do it anyway”.  I don’t remember the author, but I find it helps to simply repeat this to myself: “Feel the fear and do it anyway”.   

We will always encounter the Diva choral directors, the Dr. Us and the MGF types who trigger us and frighten us, but we cannot allow these people to steal our joy.  We have a right to be happy and joyful and we cannot allow them to rain on our parade.

Ironically, it is the Ns who are very fearful people.  Ns act out of fear and depravation and that is one of the reasons that Ns make other people feel miserable and triggered.  Ns are afraid, so they put other people down so they can feel better.  Instead of confronting the root cause of their fear, Ns project their fear onto other people.  It’s very sick and sad.  So, next time someone puts you down or triggers you, ask yourself if that person is acting out of their own fear and if you think they are, don’t let it get to you.  Put up a boundary around your feelings so that you will not absorb their fear.

I’m so happy the cantata went well and the Diva told you that you did a very good job.  You see, the Diva was afraid that things wouldn’t go well, La Diva was worried, so she dumped her fear on you, but in the end, everything did go well.  So, it just doesn’t pay to worry.  You will feel much happier if you keep a positive mind and know that God will protect you (which you know already).

She bought me flowers for my birthday and took me out etc. That makes her feel the right to hurt me. That is the confusing thing of some Ns. They do nice things to you so you stay and put up with thier sh*t. My mother did that to me all the time. And she always said "after I have given you roof over your head, feed you, lower your fever when you had meassles, etc etc " then she kicks me in the face with very hurting things.

That is why this woman treggers me so badly. She is just like my mother.

I was really amazed at the connection you made between GFM and your mother.  Bravo!!!!!  It is so important to make connections and see our patterns.  Did you ask yourself “what is it about GFM that I don’t like and who does she remind me of?”  You probably sensed her vibe of “look what I did for you, now you owe me”, you felt the guilt and made the connection to your mother.  You’re doing such excellent work, Lupita!!!  You are developing so much insight into yourself and others.  Look how wise and deep you are.

Today I identified a thought that was making me feel bad. I thougt of my son getting from my mother all she denied to me. Then I thought, what good does it make to me to be sad. My son will come back in a few days. The girl friend probably will not be his girlfriend for a long time. What good does it make to me to be sad for what my mother did not give me. It is to suffer double. When she refused and now again. No reason for it.

I love that you are identifying your thoughts and asking yourself why they make you feel bad.  This is so wonderful!!  Exactly:  Double suffering!!  Life is way too short for single suffering, let alone double suffering!!

Today ofr the first time in my life I identified a negative thougt, I identified the feeling provoked by the negative thought and I said to my slef, why to feel bad because my son is with my mother? why to feel bad becayse my son GFM is stilling him? My son can enjoy my mother and his GFM. There is nothing wronf with that. I do not have to feel bad about that. I feel flat now, wich is much better that sad and depreesed.
For me that is a huge step.

Donde esta Lupita?  I think a Zen Buddhist wrote this!!  Oh My, Lupita!!!  Listen to you!!!  You are a NEW PERSON.  It is Amazing!!  You have really absorbed this thinking so quickly.  YOU ARE AWESOME!!  That’s right:  you have no control over who your son will be friends with, fall in love (?) with, no control over your mother, nor GFM, etc.  You are “letting go and letting God”.  You are freeing yourself from the unhappiness and burden of worrying about things and people over whom you have no control.  Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Fantastic.  I think you have found freedom, your freedom:  YOU HAVE FREED YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!  That's double joy!!

Mia Lupita, I don’t know when you will respond to me, but as I said, I leave Thursday for 10 days.  I may not be able to answer you porque tengo muchas cosas hacer (I have a lot to do before I leave).

In case I don’t speak to you again, I wish you a Feliz Navidad y Feliz Ano Nuevo.  Pienso que usted esta una Mujer Nueva, una Mujer Nueva por el ano Nuevo y su Vida Nueva.  I hope you will enjoy the holidays and enjoy your new found freedom, La Nueva Libertad.

VIVA LUPITA!!!

I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year.

[Hopalong]

Hello Observer,

You are giving Lupita such a tremendous amount of attention and intense motherly affection. And speaking her language too! It must feel wonderful to her to be the recipient of your intimate concern. And she is the only person you have spoken to here.

It's a little confusing, to hear this grand voice, focused so intently on Lupita alone, but not acknowledging anyone else. I apologize for this, but I am willing to be wrong: I am wondering if you have been here before under another name and do not want to be honest about that.

I might be oversensitive and feeling protective of the board, but something feels unsafe in this exchange. I tend to have intuitive skill at recognizing familiar voices, in the subtle shades of language. But it's not infallible.

That is why I am checking it out with you openly, because I may be mistaken. If I am wrong, you can of course say so. And I will be glad to apologize.

I remember asking you two questions a little while back, but you never responded:

1) would you like to tell us a little about yourself?

2) have you ever posted on the board under another name?

I am looking forward to learning about you. I hope you will respond. If you do not, then my unease is confirmed, and I will remove my nose from this dialogue and just tend to my own boundaries. I hope there is not something deceptive going on.

(Sorry, Lupita. You need and deserve much support and attention. I know this may be upsetting to you, and if you are angry with me for my concern, I won't blame you at all.)

Hops

[Observer]

Hello Hops,

I was about to turn off my computer because, if you read my post, you’d see that I said I’m dead tired.  But I see you posted, so I read it. 

If you notice, I chose the name “observer” because I like to observe.  I was a luker.  I used to read Lupita’s posts and I felt badly for her.  She really seemed to suffer.  So, I jumped in.  Seems like I’m helping Lupita.  Now, she’s really amazing me because Lupita is mastering her unhelpful thinking patterns very quickly, so I feel encouraged.  Why did I intervene into Lupita’s life?  I don’t know.  Kismet?  Synchronicity?  Who knows, but, I think it’s a good thing.

Now, please understand I’m really tired, so sorry if I sound rough.  If you read my post, I did thank people for saying nice things about me.  But, I find your latest post irksome.  Why are you pushing me so hard?  Am I not satisfying you?  Do I have to satisfy you? No.  This is Lupita’s thread, so I am communicating with her, Si?  Mais non?  Mais Oui!  Ecco!

As mentioned, I’m an “observer”, I like to observe more than get involved in the action.  I feel like you are some kind of sheriff out for truth and justice or some dime store detective bent on nabbing the shoplifter or a member of the House Unamerican Activities Committee.   What’s up with you?  What did I do to you?  Why are you after me?  What crime did I commit?  Did I kiss a Communist?

I share what I want to share and I don’t like the way you seem to be pushing and pressing me.  You seem very self rightous.

If you read my post, you’d ascertain that I’m short on time.  I’m leaving in 2 days and have a million things to do.  I simply don’t have time to respond to everyone.

Now, there’s been a lot of disharmony on this board and, although I didn’t want to add to the disharmony, you keep pushing, so I felt that if I didn’t answer you, it would appear like I had something to hide and I don’t.  I just don’t like nosy nelsons.  So, even though I did not want to add to the disharmony, you’ve pushed me.  Why did you do it?  Didn’t you post about how you wanted harmony?  I don’t understand.  Seems like you contradict yourself.  You say you want peace, but you provoke.

Again, what did I do to you?  Why are you breathing down my neck?  and why do you care if I want to help Lupita or speak to her in Spanish?  No comprendo.

So, this feels like “High Noon” and I’m Gary Cooper.  Super duper.

OK.  Got that off my chest.  I apologize.  I don’t want to bring negativity.  It’s quite ironic, because I wanted to post to you about my method for dealing with overwhelming mail and then you give me the Mickey Spillane.  Ah, what the heck:  Put a nice big basket (a pretty one) by your entry door; dump all your mail in it.  Once a week, take the basket, turn of the TV or listen to nice music and separate the bills, junk and magazines.  Now, throw out all the junk, so only the bills and important letters are left.  Take a 15-20 minute break.  Then, commit to yourself that you will spend one hour paying bills.  If you need more time than 1 hour, take another 15-20 minute break and finish the bills.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  This way, you can get through your mail in 2-4 hours and then you’re FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  YIPPEE!!!!!!

Sorry if I didn’t respond to others who posted.  Mea Culpa.  I’d love to if I had more time.  Lord willing, I will have that time come the new year.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all.

[Observer]

Hops,

The more I read your post, the more ticked I get.

Who died and made you Queen?  Is this board your realm?  Are you a supervisor?  What an ego.

Now, I see how fights on the board occur.  It's terrible.  I let you suck me in.  Great.  Here, I thought I was doing something nice for someone (Lupita) and you have to ruin it.  Why?  Don't like to see people happy?

Hops, please take a good look at yourself and ascertain your motivation.  I'm mad at myself for engaging with you.  I should have let it go and let people reach their own conclusions.

[Observer]

I've just decided that I'm not going to post anymore.

Hops:  you are poison and toxic.  I read your post again and see how jealous you are.  And what a hypocrite, saying you want peace on the board and then subtly spewing your venom.  I pity your daughter. 

Lupita:  you're on the right road, just keep going.

[mudpuppy]

I pity your daughter. 

Pure class.

mud

[anonymous]

I am wondering if you have been here before under another name and do not want to be honest about that.

Bingo.  Just wanted you to know that:   You are correct!  Trust those instincts Hops.

WHEN will it be clear to everyone who posts here consistently that there is NO obstacle to people posting here as ANYONE? 

There are no rules, no  one to answer to -- people come to this board and say and do what they want, good or bad.

And they get away with it too.  All the time.

[Hopalong]

Yes, I felt nosy. It was twitching like a beagle's.
I didn't feel jealous, but something didn't feel right.

(Again, Lupita, I'm sorry -- I took the risk of hurting you but I hope I did it for the right reasons. I care about you. Please feel free to vent anything you need to. I will understand.)
And I can see self-righteous.

But still. Something didn't feel right.
 
I don't think I can offer a better explanation. I am always able to be wrong.
I am sorry to anyone who is angered or disappointed or confused by my post.

I know it was rude in a way, to ask for a story or identity.
I don't know how else to show Lupita and the board what my unease was about.

Anonymous, if you'd please PM me, I'd be grateful.

I'll butt out now,

Hops

[reallyME]

Observer: But I am going to find Ns everywhere. According to a book i red recently 8% of people are Ns. So if I go to a group of ten, at lieast one will be an N. Then that person tells me something triggering and I come back home crying and do not go back there again.

And many of you on this board find it almost impossible that there are narcissists posting or at least lurking about?  unreal

~Laura

p.s. I agree with Mud...what class...sheesh!

[lighter]

I don't know........ for an observer, who's just passing through with no time at all.... I'd say Observer was more invested than she knew, herself.

The response to Hops was a surprise.

I was expecting something short that explained a little about Observer just as a friendly traditional hello to the board.

[Leah]

>  Just voicing with my own independent voice, that's all, WYSIWYG.


Well, I have only just come onto this thread and I am    and so surprised to see that Observer has gone!!   And in such a way.

Why?

Whoever he/she was, had only offered tremendous support and encouragement to Lupita, stepping in at a time when Lupita was floundering, as we all could * see *  and were struggling, as none of us could seemingly offer the right support and signposting at that time.

And, personally, I too have gleaned so much from Observer's posts, as I am sure others (guests maybe) have to.

Some of us, myself included, glean and benefit much from Signposting to sites, Articles and Books, I respect that they are not everyone's cup of tea, but, on a worldwide scale, the content of which brings insight, learning and subsequent life changes to the good.

Did anyone PM Observer at all to enquire?   For the record, I did not. (but, then as you may know I don't PM that way it's out on the board)


Admittedly, Observer's response has surprised me also, but then, in light of the fact that Observer said that he/she was tired, just maybe, that could have some significant bearing on Observer's response to the questions put directly to him/her.

Observer did seem to show genuine care and compassion for Lupita, in stepping in with sound insightful articles and resources, the book etc.  Which evidently has been beneficial to Lupita as we can clearly * see *

((((( Lupita )))))  you have been working so well with your book; working hard at it for you, and my heart's desire is that you will see full growth and be as you wish to be.  You are an intelligent, wise woman, you are more than you realize, and so I have no doubt at all.  Sincerely.


And just a thought, who is the "guest"  Anonymous ??  Hops, you have asked the person to PM you, shall you then be advising us to the identity of this guest, bearing in mind all the recent discussions against the use of "guests" to drop 'ripples into the clear water' etc etc.   As recently, I have been reading through 2004's postings and other's too, and there was a "guest" Anonymous there, with a similiar voice.

Just wondering and thought that I would ask the question.


Oh dear, don't know what to make of it all, really.

Love, Leah


PS>  Just read again, and Observer's first post was intelligent, thoughtful and well written, a lengthy informative encouraging post, which would seem to have been time consuming, given the time restraints mentioned, and all of which included website links that look useful.  At the end of it all, clearly, we were all on the board wished a Happy Christmas and New Year.

Maybe, just maybe Observer was tired, maybe just maybe, Observer did not have the time to spare in full posting engagement on the board??

There was only good stuff in Observer's postings to Lupita on Lupita's threads, that I can * see *


YET, we have had someone else join as a member with a name who used us all like objects in a boardgame with various moves and tactics.


As I said, sincerely, I am not sure what to make of all this really, but, I will have a think about it.