I am wrestling with the whole topic of safety. Before I went in to my shell, I made a vow to own my own power. I did not keep it . I see most of my life problems as coming from that broken vow.
Once I broke that vow, I always looked for external safety.I always wanted a safe spot in which to crawl . I thought that a M should provide a safe spot so I looked there. I JUST stopped looking there(sigh)
I removed myself from the world b/.c it never felt "safe' enough.
Even when I engaged with the world, I was not "there". I gave up and stopped engaging.
.It was too much trouble ,with little reward.
Now, I am examining the topic of safety ,again. My last real group was in my teens. I KNEW that it was not "safe" . You HAD to have your own power as a means to stay afloat.It was OK for me b/c I DID have my own power.I was happy in the group and not threatened.
I hate to say this but we, as people, ARE like animals. I have two dogs--Henrietta(Standard Poodle-13) and Mimi(Yorkie-1 year). Henrietta was the dominant one UNTIL she started limping with arthritis . Then,Mimi started dominating the food bowl.
Then, when Henrietta started taking a pain killer and was stronger, Henrietta started dominating the food again(sigh).
I think that abused people(me) can be TOO innocent. We want a world of love and safety b/c we simply too bruised to face the "facts". My Aunt faces life and goes on. The truth of life does not seem to be "too much" for her. She can see human nature and CAN protect herself when she needs to. It is effortless with her. That is what being "normal" is, I guess. You come of age(loss of innocence) at the RIGHT time( NOT an advanced age--lol).
So, For me, I think that there is really no actual safety in the world. It has to be an internal state.,I am soft spoken in real life. However,I need to formulate a big stick and put it inside me. I won't have to use it very often. However,I HAVE to take it ,always. It is my ability to say,"Enough". It is the ability to say,"No more". It is my protection when things are NOT safe.
It allows you to be warm and loving b/c you KNOW that you HAVE the stick when the situation arises.
It allows you to be soft .. Once I gave up the "internal safety" , I went down. Your life descends and go go places that you never thought you would visit--dark,dark places.
So, My new motto will be, Talk softly,but carry a big stick"(lol) Ami
