Not quite over my perfectionism

[tayana]

I thought I was doing pretty good with this, until this past weekend.  We'd planned on my brother taking M shopping and meeting up for lunch afterwards.  So what did I do?  I was up late Friday night, picking up the house.  Yep.  I cleaned the kitchen, washed the dishes, cleared off the table, put all the rest of the laundry that hadn't been quite dry.  I cleaned it all up.

Then Sunday when our plans hadn't gone quite like we wanted because of the weather, I did more cleaning and decorating because my brother and sister-in-law are coming tonight.  I went home at lunch and emptied the dishwasher, put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, made the bed, picked up more stuff, etc.

I keep tellin gmyself that I don't have to be perfect, but I can't seem to help the anxiety that comes alone with having visitors.  More of the leftover junk from my mom, I guess.

[gratitude28]

Tay,
Some of it might be from your mom, but some of it might be YOU too. You don't fully know who you are yet - that will take some time. And if you do lean towards the perfectionsit side... well, so be it. I can't be late. I get anxious, upset and can hardly breathe if I am late going somewhere. That is just me.
So... if you want to put your talents to work, you can come and finish my house when you get done with yours.
Love, Beth

[tayana]

Hey Beth,

It just bothered me how anxious I was getting, even though my brother said he didn't care.  It's even worse now because I have laundry hanging everywhere drying, and I'm going to rush home do some more picking up.  I can't seem to help myself.

I'll come over and put my talents to work.  I was thinking the other day it'd be fun to be a professional organizer.

[lighter]

Tay:

I'm wonderful at organizing other people's space.... but terrible at my own.

Everything I pick up has a meaning and everything leads to another something that has to be dealt with, hard to stay on task is what I'm trying to say, lol.

Do you ever reach the point where you sit back and consider everything's OK enough?

Does it make you a little nervouse to have everything 'done?'

[Hopalong]

Please.
I beg you!

Come
over
here
and
help
me
face
the
mail

xo
Hops

[towrite]

Hey, Tay - I know from my own experience that being a perfectionist is a way to control - control my environment, myself, esp. my anxiety. What would happen if you found a way to comfort yourself in your anxiety that included purely comfort things - like a massage or a walk or throwing things????

The same thing happens with OCD - to control the anxiety OCD's do the rituals, over and over. It's all about anxiety, IMO. Take care of yourself, Honey, which means soothing your anxiety in ways which are nurturing to you. If you can .... I know it's hard.

(((((Tay))))

towrite

[lighter]

I'll help you with yours if you help me with mine, lol!

[tayana]

Lighter, I always have to be doing something.  I have a hard time just sitting and being.  If I'm not working around the house, I'm writing or knitting or going through the mail or taking care of some task.  I'm always doing more than one thing at a time.  It doesn't make me nervous to have everything done, what does make me nervous is to not have things done because I foolishly spent time doing something "relaxing" like watching a movie or playing a game or something like that.

Towrite, in a bizarre way, I find a lot of comfort in doing some of the things.  I actually like doing laundry for instance.  I do pretty good with the anxiety, most of the time.  Maybe I'm just not used to having people here.  Since I've moved, I've only had visitors a handful of times.  I was fine once they were here.  We had pizza and played with the dog. 

Of course M didn't get his homework done and forgot to bring part of it home, but that's okay.  He didn't even get started on it until late, so I didn't notice.  I'm sure the teacher will be mad, but oh well.  I don't really care.  I have to take him for a doctor appt. tomorrow.

Hops, I'd be glad to help you with the mail.  Throw away anything that looks like junk.  Take care of it as soon as it comes in.  Make a place for the bills.  I pay bills twice a month, so I just keep them all together, but you could organize them by date if you wanted.  Stack the catalogs, magazines, papers that you will definitely read someplace so you can read them, throw away or donate the rest.  See?  The mail's easy.

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Tay.
I know the actual handling is easy.

I think I'm figuring out what the resistance is.

It's fear of being short of funds. I am. Mom is.
Her care's costing more and more.
I've bailed out my daughter.

It's never caught up.

I hate dealing with it because I don't know which Peter to rob to pay which Paul.

Childish, and no excuse for not getting a grip on it, making a plan, and following through.

I tend to operate in emergency mode, late, etc. NOT GOOD for financial things.

Thank you for the encouragement.

For example, my dog is in pain and I'm taking her to the vet and dread it.
It will be hundreds of dollars I don't have. Credit card.

Ugh. People have it way way worse.

xo
Hops

[teartracks]

deleted

[Bella_French]

Lol, I'm like that. But I think a true perfectionist doesn't just pick things up and tidy the house for guests, they do it ALL THE TIME, because they can't live with themselves unless they are perfect each and every moment.

I think tidying things up for guests is different. I guess you could call it `people-pleasing', but it could also be seen as sensitivity and politeness, you know? It can be a reflection on your guests, too, and what you think they want from you. Some guests are more relaxing and less judgmental than others.

I don't think you're a perfectionist. I think you just feel a bit anxious about pleasing people who you care about (or who also make you feel anxious?)  I like it, anyway. It shows that you're a consideratre person.

X Bella

[lighter]

Hops... can you put the really important things on auto draft?

The credit cards and the water, perhaps?   Maybe the Gas and Electric?

Things you can't live without or that mess with your credit.  Credit cards for sure.

I also think, if that's not an option, you should be payingbills over the computer.... skip the exhaustion of paper work wading.

My friend finally got hers under control when she could pull up a screen and have everything there, clean neat and organize on her screen....... no mess, piles or procrastination that takes an hour to gather, KWIM?

[gratitude28]

Tay,
I think looking into being a professional organizer is a fabulous idea!!!!!!!! We need people like you! Put that talent to work, baby!
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Hey, Tay - I know from my own experience that being a perfectionist is a way to control - control my environment, myself, esp. my anxiety. What would happen if you found a way to comfort yourself in your anxiety that included purely comfort things - like a massage or a walk or throwing things????

The same thing happens with OCD - to control the anxiety OCD's do the rituals, over and over. It's all about anxiety, IMO. Take care of yourself, Honey, which means soothing your anxiety in ways which are nurturing to you. If you can .... I know it's hard.


Towrite,
  I never looked at perfectionism this way.It seems so obvious when you say it. S/one told me yesterday that I need my "relationships" to operate perfectly. I was surprised. It is SO hard to see yourself. Then,I realized that I am running away from my own feelings,mostly shame . If I can control the outside  , then I can look good to myself and others. All that wasted  energy for nothing---bleh.
                       Love   Ami

[tayana]

Hey Hops,

I pay as many of my bills as possible electronically.  I had a hard time remembering to pay my car payment, insurance and stuff, so I set an automatic deduction from my checking on the same day each month so that I was never late with those payments.  For one credit card I was desperately trying to pay off, I set up a regular deduction, but I didn't schedule it for auto deduct so I could change the amounts each month.  It worked great.  My electric bill is set on auto pay.  The phone and cable I pay around the 12th of the month so they aren't late, same with credit cards.  I sat down and took a hard look at where my money was going, what I was charging, ect, and made cuts where I could.  No more eating out at lunch for instance.  Instead I make things like soup and chili that I can warm up.  I make my own bread.  Paying bills online was a life saver.  It cut out the paperwork, and I could set up reminders and things that said, "It's time to pay your bill" otherwise I'd forget.  All I had to do was make certain I had the money when the deducts came around. 

Seriously, if you want help, I'll do what I can.

TT, it does describe me pretty much, except I'm more of an introvert.  I think I'm an INFJ?  Is that right?  I've taken the meyers' briggs test before.

Bella, oh, I think you're right, because I went to bed last night with dirty clothes in my floor, the paper scattered everywhere, the pillows from the couch in the floor.  Homework and toys all over the living room and dishes in the sink.  And do you know what?  I felt relieved.  The relief was like I'd been walking a tight rope and finally got to solid ground.

Beth, I might have to look into it.  I think it could be fun.  I could be an entrepeneur(sp?).