Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
New Member, Looking to Share
Anastasia:
Bunny, I agree with you totally that a man is only OBJECTIFYING you when they refer to you as having the "total package!" I fart, belch and do all the normal things. And I've worked hard to succeed, get an education, travel alot, etc. Nothing comes that friggin ez. I've worked my ass off alot to get my college education and succeed at work.
I was born with a good body and great face....but, because of all the neediness I must have deeply hidden, boy! can I ruin my body with all those wonderful comfort foods that taste so good. It takes Herculean discipline for me to get this weight under control and KEEP it there.
So, all in all, I am human like everyone else.
Some guy referring to me as having the "total package" is just his fantasies running wild...and his using me as an object to admire. Better he goes and buys himself a Penthouse and introduce himself to his hand, cause I don't feel flattered by his bullshit of being the "total package" now that I understand what he "really" means underneath that "compliment."
BUT, in defense of all of us who have continually gotten the message we were "unworthy" and "unlovable" by our parent/guardian, we have some needs that were really never met when we were young--and prime candidates for victimhood by creepy/using/commitmentphobic jerks. Be warned, people.
Yuki:
Hey Cdnwoman,
I was reminded of this quote from "Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie;
--- Quote ---
Listen to the following conversation between two women. One woman is recovering from adult childhood issues and a marriage to an alcoholic. The other is of fairly normal descent.
"I can't decide whether to break up with my boyfriend or not," says a woman.
"What are his good points?" asks her friend.
"Well, he works every day. He usually does what he says he's going to do. He's kind. An he's never hit me."
"No," says her friend. "You don't understand. What are his good points? The things you listed are givens."
"Oh," says the woman. "I didn't know that."
Which of the two women do you think is the adult child?
--- End quote ---
The first time I read that... :shock: All of those GOOD traits are givens? Meaning that, from a healthy person's point of view, there's no reason to even consider being with someone who didn't have those good traits? It's even "normal" to expect to find good points BEYOND those?
I don't know if it fits exactly with what you're going through, but it came to mind as I was reading this thread. It does relate to the "total package" idea sort of - that even if someone seems to have all of the right traits, there's more to look for beyond that.
I think codependency and voicelessness are related. Actually I think that codependency creates voicelessness in some of the same ways as a N does. Codependency is also about not expressing your feelings, not rocking the boat, not getting your needs met, etc. It also makes you feel that you're not a complete person by yourself, just like a N can make you feel. I grew up with a N mom who was also codependent to my father and taught/forced me to be codependent to both of them, so they certainly can go together. In fact, now that I think about it, they're all mixed up together in my mind... I'm not completely sure which things were narcissism and which were codependency. Hmmm.
Take care, I'm glad my previous reply helped. :)
Yuki
cdnwoman:
--- Quote from: Anonymous ---
--- Quote from: cdnwoman ---I am constantly told to be the "package". I guess I always wanted to believe that THIS TIME, it will be different with whoever I was seeing. But where I am now, it's pretty obvious that nothing has changed.
--- End quote ---
Being described as "the package" is a red flag. If a man calls you "the package" he's probably uninterested in dealing with a real human being. When you become more real as a person, he flees in terror. These men have to be weeded out very quickly before you invest emotions in them. Paying attention to red flags is the way to weed them out.
bunny
--- End quote ---
Hi Bunny;
Yes unfortunately I had to learn the hard way about those types of men. With my ex, him fleeing was a combination of things. But mainly he wasn't able to relate to me as a "real person". And knowing that he couldn't handle that other part of me hurts like no other.
I have learned to be independent at a very young age. I have a great-paying job, go to university part-time, have a lot of friends, basically an allround good life. My parents instilled that independence in me, and soon I grew up thinking that depending on a man was doom for failure.
My father and mother were a victims of emotional, physical, and verbal abuse. So them sharing love and affection was sporadic. My father drank alot while I was growing up, and my mother had to suffer through his abuse. Their fathers and grandparents drank alot too. They had eight children at a young age and having to raise us without the conveniences of today. I can see why they weren't as loving towards me as they could have been. I totally understand that. But does it make ME feel any better? No. I look at myself and still see the hurt 4 yr. old (that's the age that always comes to mind) looking for love and approval from them. Still looking for a way to be heard and understood.
Once I understood about having "repetition compulsion", it is like finally admitting an addiction. Okay....I have this affliction, now what do I do? So I have been experiencing a multitude of emotions, more so now. I made an appointment to see a counsellor tomorrow. To be honest, I am kinda scared. I never cried in front of a stranger. I think it is from the "happy front" that I am used to doing. A conditioned response.[/u]
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: cdnwoman ---Once I understood about having "repetition compulsion", it is like finally admitting an addiction. Okay....I have this affliction, now what do I do? So I have been experiencing a multitude of emotions, more so now. I made an appointment to see a counsellor tomorrow. To be honest, I am kinda scared. I never cried in front of a stranger. I think it is from the "happy front" that I am used to doing. A conditioned response.[/u]
--- End quote ---
It is scary to see a counselor. And it's brave of you. Just remember that they see people crying every day and they're used to it. They don't judge it or think you're wierd. The counselor is on your side and wants to help you get better. Let us know how it goes, if you want.
bunny
cdnwoman:
Well I appreciate your concern and thank you for the input. I will come back and let you know how the appointment goes tomorrow. It's gonna be tough.
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