Gaslighting/ affairs

[Whistler]

I am new to this forum- I recently separated from my wife  and am divorcing her after spending about a year and a half of hell- after stumblining onto her secret relationship" with a male co-worker, she had to have lunch with him for business reasons- that she had to have extra meetings after work with him as part of her job, and on and on...  but then the weird stuff happened...

She would get dressed in one outfit in the morning and come home dressed in another- I'd ask if she had changed clothes that day- she'd say no, I was nuts. I'd put my book marker in my book at night. Each night it would be moved- I carefully marked down the page number after a while- sure enough she was changing the book mark on purpose. The list of things was endless- I was almost insane I didn't figure out what was going on until almost the end- I mistrusted my entire reality- she became sadistic with the tricks she was playing, but she kept telling me I had mental problems- she told our friends and some of my colleagues I was mentally ill---but she always told me how much she loved me- she wanted to help me...it was all to cover up her affair  In the end I was almost nuts- I really think she was intentionally trying to drive me over the edge.

Do I have any legal standig for domestic violence against her? I can't prove most of it. I can prove a few incidents. Any one with similar experiences?

[changing]

Hi Whistler-

My husband lied and threatened to kill me constantly, threw our money away and was physically abusive as well. I am so very happy to be rid of that nuisance- I can't wait for the final divorce decree!

If you live in a state that requires fault for a divorce, you might find documented evidence of the lies and cheating useful- if you are in a no-fault state, you might still use your wife's bad acts as evidence in the divorce to bolster your requests for settlement terms, etc. You need to speak to a lawyer. Her telling lies that could damage your professional reputation to your colleagues might be something that is actionable- ask your attorney.

I hope that you are doing what is good for YOU and protecting yourself as much as possible. Best wishes for a truly Happy New Year and a new life free from abuse!

Best,

Changing

[Gaining Strength]

I haven't had a similar experience but I am glad you are here.  How horrific!!  It sounds very much like an N.  20 years ago my father did something very similar to my mother and my brothers and me.  We used to go skiing at Christmas.  He flew his girlfriend out on the same flight as my brother and his wife and then when we went out to dinner at night he would pick horrendous fights and leave everyone at the table in tears.  We later figured out he did this so he could be with his girlfriend.  He would behave so horrendously even in public so that he could get away.  Finally he has been diagnosed at NPD among other things. 

It is very important that you protect and take care of yourself.  Ns actions are often, quite frankly, evil and can be very damaging.

[Ami]

Dear Whistler
  I am so sorry for what you are enduring. Your only defense,as I see it, is to try to stay true to yourself and your own perceptions. That would be your best bet to combat gaslighting.
 I can hear the pain in your 'voice". I am very, very sorry. Keep writing. People here understand .You are not alone.  Keep reaching out, just as you did.
                                                                           Love   Ami

[Certain Hope]

Welcome, Whistler... and Blessed Christmas to you.

I'm so sorry you've had to endure all of that... been there. Some disordered individuals have a more sadistic bent to them than others, imo, and you may be dealing with more than NPD (as if that weren't bad enough).

Hoping you will get some sound legal counsel asap and protect yourself from any further assaults.

Sincerely,
Carolyn

[lighter]

Whister:

You need to straighten out all joint accounts and credit cards.

I'd suggest closing and canceling now.... before you file for divorce.

Document the things you can...... and I'm talking about the affair and short clips of details about a day so you can reference back quickly and refute any crazy shit she makes up in the future about you being abusive or nuts.

You must be stable, calm and consistent.  CONSISTENT being the operative word.  Do you need to check out tape recording laws in your State and perhaps tape some conversations between you where she's losing  it an you're being calm  and consistent, her talkng about the cheating and lying?

 Think of the stuff she'll come at you with and just try to cover your can.

She might surprise you and just want out too but.... best to have some docjumentation that nails her lies to the walls so her attorney begins to cringe when she speaks.

Please don't obsess about the affair.... try to concentrate on just getting free and counting your blessings that you're out.

Put her behind you and figure out how you can choose more wisely next time.  If you look back, there were red flags you probably ignored.  Figure out how to honor those flags and future boundaries you set for yourself.  Good luck.

[sea storm]

That is very good advice, Lighter.

A year after my divorce I would say that evrything you mention is critical.  After a year I would also say get out as soon as you can and count your blessiongs rather than obsess about how much money you will lose.  I got really skinned.  Lost lots of money and I am not a rich person.

Of course he stole money and acted fraudulently. Of course he cheated. Of course he lied. Of course he gaslighted in calculating and malignant ways. Of couse he slandered me. He did hat he does.  It was not about me.  It happens to anyone they get close to.  They try to destroy them. Get away as soon as you can. Arm yourself with knowledge. There is plenty of it out there.

Tell your story here. There is not ahame in it. We have been through it too.

Sea Storm

[sea storm]

i AM SO SORRY YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH SUCH A HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE.

Gaslighting is so sinister and weird and nasty. I can hardly bend my mind around it. But that is how we are different from Narcissists. We have remorse for cruel things we do. The N is gleeful for cruelty they get away with.

[lighter]

The N has great fun while telling lies and causing distress.......  in court, in the family, at work..... as you say SS... not personal, not about us....

it's what they do.

No.

It's what they are.

The more we react.... the more energy we give them.

Best to accept that it's going to cost an unfair and try to shorten the struggle to get free. 

Society doesn't want to hear your story and they sure don't want to believe it...... don't get all caught up in trying to get people to understand just yet, in other words.  Also, keep in mind, you want to look stable and under control when you talk about what's been happening to you.... not look unbaleanced (which can happen.)

There may be no way around going into debt to get divorced.  Mourning and struggling with things you can't imagine happening to you is a waste of energy.

ACCEPT, ADAPT and ACT.  Don't go all deer in the headlights if you can help it...... don't fight the inevitable..... not that you have to give her everything she asks for.  Just keep in mind.... things probably won't be fair, sorry, but's it may be more true than you can imagine.

There may be no way to get any small measure of a fair shake.

Just be prepared for her to do something unexpected, like say you hit her or threatened her life.... when you didn't.

Be proactive.  Separate money, residences and talk to all the best divorce attorneys... cause she can't hire them if you talked to them.

Don't give her an inch of kindness... if she asks for something.... use it as leverage.  It's all business now and you gain nothing by showing mercy or cutting her slack.

Calm, focused..... it's business.

Did I mention that it's business?

You want out. 

Don't fret about the world not seeing the truth or how unfair things are. 

You married her.... time to pull up your big boy briefs and get yourself out.

It won't be fair and it won't feel good during or after the divorce.

You just hope you come away as unscathed as possible so you can make better decisions in the future. 

If you think you deserve a reciprocal relationship with a caring person NOT bent on driving you over the edge and humiliating you for kicks..... then it's up to you require that for yourself.

Think of it this way..... you're about to go through a very intense learning process. 

When it's over, you'll know yourself a lot better and have a Phd in personality disordered people.

Expensive lesson?  Sure, but it might just make it possible for you to have a much deeper richer life after all's said and done.

Good luck.

[mudpuppy]

You don't have a domestic violence case but you seem to have very good intentional infliction of emotional distress and defamation cases. If you're headed for a divorce the extra pressure of those suits might get her off your back a lot sooner and if you want to press them to the end you can. Or you can drop them once you are rid of her and just want to forget the whole mess.

mud

[sea storm]

More good advice from the old soldiers. If ONLY I had been mature enough to accept that advice at the time. I was still a love sick puppy, Mudpuppy.
But this is so true.

I must admit that the N really scared me by trying to get me arrested. I am not a likely candidate for being arrest for assault. I volunteer with hospice, work with traumatized children, work in an elementary school.  My exN painted me as a violent maniac. And he
was very convincing. Amazing what you can do if you are a pathological liar and are remorseless.  I could not believe what he was doing. I was a reall Dodo. These tactics are  best left to the sociopaths because they are so fast and fatal in their animal intelligence. I threw in the towel and got out of Dodge.

Now I think and pray for forgiveness for myself for getting taken advantage of and losing half my house etc. As time goes by I look back and think that getting involved and loving an N is like getting bitten by a shark.  You can't really blame the victim.

So going after the N unless you are a lawyer or you can pay a lowyer is not for everybody.
I don't like disagreeing with you MUdpuppy as you offer very wise and pungent thoughts. Just tweeking what you said a bit and adding my personal experience. .

Wouldn't it be great if there was someone who was a lawyer who really understood this N thing and went around helping their clients. They could have a counsellor in the office and a psychologist and an accountant to figrue out all the fraud.

Sea storm

Sea storm

[mudpuppy]

Hi seastorm,

So going after the N unless you are a lawyer or you can pay a lowyer is not for everybody.

Couldn't agree more, ss. Going after them out of court is not feasible as that is their preferred battleground. And going after them in court without a lawyer or without funds to see it through is a bad idea also.
If however one can see it through to the end and has a halfway decent lawyer, court is where they are hoisted on their own petard.
They only seem clever and resourceful when slander and rumor and innuendo are the media they are allowed to work in. When they are forced to paint their pictures with facts and evidence they no longer appear to be old masters but infantile finger painters having a tantrum.

mud

[CB123]

where they are hoisted on their own petard.

Why do I love that phrase?  I LOVE it.  It seems the perfect justice.   

CB

[sea storm]

Whoopie!!!!!

What an exhilerating thought. Justice.  Ruining a person and calculating to take everything you can. Thier reputation, profession, trust, financial resources while at the same time keeping the person  on the hook really should have some kind of repercussions. Don't cha THINK????

Being stuck with the ball after the N acts out his calcuated and crazy making psychodrama is an isolated person who has no one to understand what has happened to them. Itis too fantastic and complicated and paranoid. How do you say " I think my partner wants to kill me. I am not sure but he is pressing me to make a will and he says he hasi included me in his will.  I am not sure though.

Maybe one should bug the phone and get some gizmo on the computer and start getting evidence just for your own sanilty.  In the movie " Gaslighting " Charles Boyer keeps turning down the lights and then saying Naaa , the lights aren't dimming, you must be bonkers. Ole Ingrid Bergman has that clever detective as her guardian angel. Most of us are left  with trauma to be suffered in a vacuum of betrayal. Climbing out olf that is very tough.  Hanging on to every straw that someone gives you when you are drowning.
Trust when you have no trust, just to go on living.

I still go down that bunnyhole of despair. And the only thing that helps is that there are people who love me.  Or more relevant: people who love.
Get clear of the N no matter how you feel about them and the feelings are most likely very mixed because we have been deliberately hooked. Take a jump into the void and just do it. It will probably nearly kill you but at least you have a chance.

Basically, cut short the devaluation period.  That is when the nasty stuff goes on and it is probably a lot nastier than you know. They have to make you look crazy, incompetent, and dangerous in order to justify dumping you.  They will destroy you offhandedly and not feel a thing.  They are pretty consistent in this.  The continuing and chronic underpining of this show is they don't have empathy and they lie. What a scarey combo.,

I am going on and on here and this is what I do in my head to extinguish my longings to make everyting all better with my ex.

I say things like : " Hey, it was just a co incidence that your new swettie bought a house and moved out of her marriage a week before you moved to thet city.
Hey, wasn't it just accidental that you put all your earnings in your own account and funnelled money out of our account? Tell me it didn't really happen.
Tell me that you aren't evil.

This is not a bad dream it is reality.

Sea storm