What are you doing Christmas eve and day?

[Lupita]

Dear friends, would you mind to share what are you doing fro Christmas?

I am going to my son's GFM. I have itching about that but I do not have an option. I want to be with my son. He wants to be there and I had that commitment since long time ago. Before I really explored that lady's friendship, wich each day I like less.

How about you? Do you have to be with people you would prefer you did not have to be with? Are you staying alone? By choice? etc?

Thank you for sharing. I am very interested if my twisted feelings about having to spend Chrsitmas with somebody is only me or others have the same. Thank you and God bless you.

[finding peace]

Hi Lupita,

Well today, I am celebrating Christmas eve with my real family (H and kids).  We are having our favorite dinner – for my H and me, lobster, filet, potatoes (this year I am making potatoes au gratin with a bit of cayenne to add some spice), brussel sprouts (in a shallot, wine, butter, and chicken stock base with crisp bacon for an added crunch), and for the kids – mini hot dogs in puff pastry with NO vegetables (per their request) with soda in champagne glasses (makes me cringe, but it is favorite meal night). 

We are going to watch My Little Pony (my youngest’s favorite movie), Pirates of the Carribean (my oldest’s favorite movie of the moment), and after the kids go to bed, my H and I will watch a movie as we wrap a few last presents.

Tomorrow we will go to my in-laws who I love dearly.  His father is one of the nicest men I have ever known, and has really taught me what a father is supposed to be.

In years past, I would have spent the past week dreading today.  I would have been tense, snapping at everyone right and left, and today I would have been in a turmoil wondering what atrocity would come out of my father’s or mother’s mouth.  Would they mock me for the millionth time in front of everyone?  Would they try to induce shame in my children as they did me?  Would they put my husband down?  Would they criticize, argue, cause their usual choas and negativity? 

Today I am peaceful, happy, and watching the kids bounce off the walls as they wonder what Santa is going to bring them.  Content.  A bit sad at times that I don’t have a FOO to celebrate with, but at the same time that I am sad, memories of past celebrations come up – and I am once again thankful that I don’t have to do that anymore.

Lupita, I don’t know if this will work for you, but can you put yourself in observer mode with the GFM?  In other words, suspend emotion (lock it down) and go and focus on her.  Don’t think about what her words mean or don’t mean – they are words coming out of her mouth, that is all.  Maybe go in physician mode.  Observe her as you would observe a patient who is coming to you for treatment.  Try not to get hooked in emotionally.  I don’t know if this will work for you – not always easy to do.  I was able to do this sometimes with my father, and it enabled me to divorce myself from emotion enough to get through the event, wasn't always easy though.

Afterwards, when I was no longer there, I would go over the interaction in my mind, trying to look at it objectively – dissecting it with logic rather than emotion.

Just a thought but it might work.

Much love to you and will be thinking of you tonight.
Peace

[Lupita]

Wow!!!!!!!!  FP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  What a response!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you so much for sharing. So, how come that you discerned not to see your parents for Christmas? Was that a hard desicion?

Of course I will try your idea. Kind of a dettachement. I have tried that and she always catches me of guard and triggers me. It is like a subliminal subconscious competition. She wants to prove that she is more powerful than me. It is like being with my mother. But of course you idea is very wise and I will try. I wll tell you tomorrow how did it go.

HOpe that others share their feelings about the people they have to or they choose to spend Christmas.

[Lupita]

Izzi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  If you want I can come to the internet at ant time that you want tonight and tell you Feliz Navidad. You can answer and I can answer back. That would give me an excuse to go to the internet and to come the board during the "party".

[Hopalong]

For me, Christmas is a chore. Because my D does not come home, and hasn't for several years, I've gradually (after several years of suffering about it) learned to really detach. I do not have expectations of extra happiness from December 25th, so there is no way I can be disappointed now.

I do it for my mother, as simply and calmly as I can. A little tree (already decorated, just whisk off the bag and plug it in), and a few things arrive in the mail. She eats too much and sleeps a lot. Ditto, me.

On the day itself we're going where we've gone the last several years. A fancy buffet and carol-singing dinner at a lavish home in the country. The host is Mom's former piano teacher, her hubby a business school heavyweight. They're very kind people who have known my parents for years (Dad's been gone about 10 years now). So they include us, along with about 20 others. I just stay in the moment and enjoy the beauty of their home and the singing and do pleasant chit-chat. One guest is a young opera star who usually sings O Holy Night a cappella, and hearing her is the true highlight of Christmas for me. My mother is happy as long as she has food and lots of attention, and she is always fussed over. So it's easy enough.

Two days later I'm meeting my D halfway between here and her city to take things she needs, and two days after that she loads up the UHaul and heads for Florida, where she's starting grad school in January. A few months later, I hope to go visit.

For me, Christmas week is an opportunity for a few extra days off which I spend doing practically nothing, and gratefully. I was very tired. It's taken me 3 days of sleeping and dozing and resting and lolling to start to feel good again.

For me, it's Merry because it's quiet. What I used to feel sad about (no Norman Rockwell scene) now feels like a gift. And after my mother's gone, it'll get simpler still. This is the first year I really feel I've reached my goal. Leaving the frenzy completely out of my mind. Getting the www.kiva.org gifts for the family was the best thing yet. Now I know what to do in future, so that has relieved the last bit of stress. No more buying "stuff", just Kiva certificates or something similar.

love
Hops

[finding peace]

Hi Lupita,

Yes it was a hard decision.  One of the hardest I ever made.  I went NC with my family over a year ago.

My father died 3-4 years ago.  While he was alive and for awhile after he died, I tried to walk the middle road with my family.  I had as limited contact as I could with them but had not fully cut them out of my life.  It didn’t work.  Every single time we got together or spoke on the phone something nasty would be said, every single time.

Oi – the stories I could tell. 

I admire you for choosing not to abandon your mother, you and Hops and teartracks.  Even though I tried, repeatedly to get through to my mother with absolutely no success, I feel that I have abandoned her and it sometimes haunts me.  But, I get to this point and I also realize that I never had a mother to abandon, I had an incubator, and that she abandoned herself and me long before I was born.  And there is no fixing it.  Staying in that relationship was slowly destroying me, and it was taking away from my children and my husband.  It was hard though – going NC was very, very hard.

One other thought I had for you for tonight - when there is power struggle, or someone is trying to dominate – why do they do this?  I believe that it is because they feel they have no power.  If they truly felt powerful, they would have no need for this competition.  They would be content in the knowledge of who they were without trying to take something away from someone else.  What this tells me – she is intimidated by you – she sees you as stronger.  Sounds like she is jockeying for alpha female role in this newly created pack. 

I know you can handle tonight Lupita.  You have survived far worse and come out a beautiful, loving, and kind person.

Much love,
Peace

[CB123]

She wants to prove that she is more powerful than me.

Ooooh, Lupe!  I've been in lots of these--I've got a couple going at work right now.

The best way to win these is to let them win.  The power they are trying to win is all symbolic anyway.  Try to figure out the angle she's using, and then make a real effort to not get sucked into it.

In power plays, the one who refuses to play, wins.

Love,
CB

[Lupita]

East time.

I will be in the internet between 10 and 11 PM there in that house, wich will be around 7 to 8 yours.

Thank you CB. What are you doing for Christmas day, with whom?

Hops, I am happy that you have a nice relxed Christmas. Sorry that you do not see your baby. I would die if I do not spend Christmas with mine. He is so happy rapping gifts for his girlfriend. 

FP, yes, it is hard, ot maintain contact with them, and is it hard to brake contact with them. No matter what you do, it is going to be painful.

Thank you so much for sharing. It does not feel lonely to know that others have to spend Christmas with people they do not want to.

[Hopalong]

MUCH LOVE TO
Izzy
CB
Lupita

and
everyone

Take the Peace with you, Lup.
(And let us know how it goes, we'll be checking!)

Simple peace and love to you all,
(I can smell gooooood food cooking....)

lots of love,
Hops

[Lupita]

By  the way, nice lungs there Izzy. Very sexy lungs.

[Lupita]

Hope that you do not have bronchitis. LOL

[Overcomer]

Last night we went to a candlelighthng service and then to my cousin's house for food after.  Opened some gifts.  It is a showdown between my mom and my autistic daughter.  My D just does not seem to love and appreciate my mom-maybe she has a real N radar!  Then today we have a family gathering with over 30 in attendance-luckily my parents have a big house.  Too bad I work retail.  I worked Christmas eve day and will work Wed as well-no rest for the weary! 

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  I bet that your autistic D CAN pick up a radar on your M. I bet that it is exactly right.
  Last night we went to a party. My friend has a Christmas Eve party ,every year. She makes  homemade Italian dishes.My favorite is marinated vegetables(red peppers, olives, mushrooms,etc in a vinegar and olive oil dressing. )She made fried eggplant ,which was delicious too.
 Today, my H is working,but I am making a turkey . My S's are here.  I am more at peace this year thanI have been  for many,many years., The best present of all is internal peace,as well as all the other internal "gifts' that we are looking for as we find our voices.Love to you, Kelly                       Ami

[Overcomer]

I believe my D can sense a N as well.  My mom uses the same mind control tricks on her as she does on me and my other daughters.  Only problem is this kid does not think like other people do so the mind games really work against my mom.  I think it is a bit frustrating for her who can always give the disapproving look and get her way!

[Ami]

That makes sense ,Kelly. Your D processes your M differently than non-autistic people do. Your M's manipulations don't work on her b/c she  does not respond to the same cues(manipulation) as most people do. It sounds like this is the root of it,to me. Am I right,Kelly?                         Ami